This is Where the Word Nostalgia Came From

It's been a long time since you brought me here
I can't even remember why I came last time
Today, you beckoned me here again
The rain stopped and the place was open to just me

Walking onto the first few wooden planks of the park
Flashes of the last experience here came to mind;
Being caught in the pouring rain
Trying to find shelter under the wooden planks
Which only lead to leaky drops on my head
And a wet phone

Now I'm back to the same old seat
The red one. My favorite.
I throw my keys to the side and take a deep breath
I can see the mix of sun and shadow through my closed eyelids
Pushing off the dirt, the euphoria begins
A drug that begins it's effects right away
A drug with no side effects

Keeping my eyes closed I lose my breath
Waves of nausea fill my limp-less body
All the feelings rush to the surface
And I'm more aware of my age because the skin falls and lifts with every swing
The purest meditation

You knew you couldn't leave me there for long
And a voice came out through the wooden castle
Two young boys in matching black camo tshirts emerged
They just stood and stared until one said, "Hello!!"

With a smile, I said, "hello!"
In past times, an interruption like this would have caused frustration
Though today was marked with a feeling of joy and a new beginning

One of the twins yelled out, "What's your name?"
I responded and asked the same
One then proceeded to ask me a question that has been lingering within me for some time now....
"Are you a mommy?"
My brow lowered as I wondered what kind of four year old would ask such a question
"No, not yet," I answered

These two boys then joined me next to the swing
We talked of the holidays, batman, spiderman
Cars, starwars, who was going faster,
and who was going higher
Plus many other childish adventures

These young lads were being watched by their "opah"
The name they called their grandfather
He wore a hat and a belted blue jean
He didn't talk much but was enjoying himself

Then one of the boys took off and yelled, "come get me GIANT!!"
His grandfather got up and with a limp, chased this child around the park yard
He couldn't get that far before he had to begin walking again

What a blessing to be living around different generations
The young, the middle, and the older
It made me think of my father
Whom I hope will one day be the greatest grandfather to my children
He was a great father to us as kids
The best play toy around
Irreplaceable

I ran my feet across the pieces of wood chunks on the ground
Slowed my pace to a full stop
The boy still swinging next to me says, "Are you leaving?"
"I think so," I said. As if hoping he would ask me to stay and keep being a child with him
But I knew it was time to grow up and keep walking

So I said my goodbyes and walked off the wooden planks to the black cement
Key to the silver hole in my black truck
I entered with the new scent of my air freshener
Looked in the rear view mirror and said goodbye one more time
and drove away with a peace I can never describe

It's been some time since you've brought me here
Nothing will stop you, rain or shine
You will always meet me in this place
And I will never be the same

I think I've repeated your name in my head a thousand times 

Come On Skinny Love

My soles are stuck to the ground
Can't move a single inch
An immovable object
But my heart is being pushed by the force of a tornado
It can average about 200 mph

"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?"
I'm about to find out

Time has had control the past few weeks
There's no where to go and no way to escape
To exist and disappear all at once
My shoes are glued to this cement

Who starts a conversation with goodbye?
This isn't what I expected
I'd hoped I would have met you before this
This day, this time, this-this

I will find pieces of you in her
Like a child learning new things about the world
You're presence will always be there
Your face can be found in the shadows of her face
Our joy will be yours to look upon

But for now, I'm an immovable object
Feeling this force get stronger
Waiting to be lifted off the ground
Will I make it out in one piece?
My soles are stuck to this ground

Story of My Life

Flip. Flip. Flip.

Flipping pages
Back and forth
Forward, backwards
Future, past

Do I keep turning pages
Or stop here, intact

Fear of what may come
Fear of what may not
Fear

Flip. flip. stop.

Im aware of the beginning
Blank pages at the end
Keeps my head spinning
The words seem to blend

Flip. flip. flip.....STOP.

...a new chapter

Forever and Ever, and Ever and Ever

Tomorrow's the day they burry you away
Many expressions, no words to say
Is that why funerals are so quiet
You're gone and I can't deny it
Maybe it was your time to go
But the knowledge of death we don't know
Never been explained
These days are just stained
Do I allow myself to believe you're in a better place
Hide these tears and face the Grace
Or just believe that you're gone without a trace
No body, no soul, no face?

She breaks like thin ice
You're old voicemails just don't suffice
When tears were meant to heal
They only remind of how you were real
How long until she regains control
Never again will she be whole
But changed inside and out
Beyond any doubt

Will you send a message from above
Something with a dove?
I'd like to remember you with peace
A sweet release

Tomorrow they burry you away
I don't know what to say
But I'll believe you're somewhere safe
You're body gone without a trace
But alive and well with a soul and a face

Everybody is a genius. but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its entire life believing that its stupid

Shake the Limbs

Gentle walks the roused eyes

Forces affix together in alliance

Within the terminal power source

Whereupon love is never compliant

The forces take cover and retaliate

Against "these feelings"

Excruciating, persevering thoughts initiate

Forces fight with bitter strength

Bitterness churns into anger

Screaming, biting, yelling

Nothing, no nothing can defeat Love

For Love conquers it all

Worms its way past barriers

Past our forces

Into our centers...power sources...souls

A moment

It crashes in without warning

It lives, breathes, sustains, flourishes

A moment

A painful wreckage

Or a faithful friend

A moment

Fixed. Moving. Shaping. Growing. Gone.

Synapses harness them for future reference

Forces decide: fight and disguise, the heart shys, the heart dies, or the heart tries
Gentle walks the sleepless eyes

Bluebells - Will Stratton

sooo good

... and I digress

Read My Lips

We all do it.

You're driving in your car and a song comes on and you only know half the words, but you pretend to sing the whole thing, knowing your friend won't notice you really don't know the words. Yet, if you had a deaf friend, you couldn't get away with that. Cause most likely they'd know how to read lips, lol.

Winter Heat

I loved you

Never in love with you

Knew I could be

Still do

Wasn’t meant to be

But it could have been

Didn’t feel free

A dolphin with one fin

I don’t regret a thing

I regret it all

Made me want to sing

Made me want to fall

Opened my eyes

Closed my eyes

Absolutely no lies

So many cries

I walk in contradiction

This life is fiction

A dream within a dream

Reality isn’t what it seems

I will love again

I will never love at all

I will live in fear

Will I ever live at all?

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

I'm having ONE OF THOSE DAYS:

 When you want to jump out of bed and take on the world
 When I find so much love in nature, I wish I knew how to share it with others
 Where I want to go out and help everyone
 I want to share my trials and tribulations and encourage others through theirs
 I want to soar through the sky
 I want to create and invent new thoughts and ideas, new projects
 I want to tell everyone I know how much they truly mean to me
....and more

These are also feelings I get when I drink good coffee : )

חדש בתחילת

White and glowing far above my reaching hands

Powdered material, touched but untouched

Has kept every promise and hence is my lover

Though your alluring beauty took that away

The first to notice it’s importance to me, was you

So I gathered up more selflessness and love then folded it in your hands

Falling asleep to the bright, goodnight, outside my window

Thoughts of you ruminated with the silhouettes of love on my wall

The love mixed together like the browns, reds, and yellows of fall

They fell, fast, they fall

Was it ever love at all?

Attempting to scrape them off the cold pavement

Finding myself striving to return them to their complacent home

Searching my hands for mere revival

Yet met with fear and bloody tears

Days were met with fewer and fewer colors

Till there was no leaf left

Only barren, lonely trees reminding me that life goes on

To allow the wind to pay it’s respects

Revealing my dark, silent silhouette

My love still yells for me from the black sky above

With it’s bright, perseverant light
Though my eyes no longer search for him
My lover still says, goodnight....goodnight

Just a dream within a dream

"you're going to be like this..... (forever)?" Though she never got to the "forever" part because half way through the question, she realized how rude it was to ask that. To ask that question would be like asking me if I would have brown eyes forever or if I was going to be white forever. As if it was a part of me that was easily changeable. Sure I could just "change" but I would be lying to everyone, especially myself and I couldn't live with that.

Distant Lover

I will leave like every time before
Nothing but dry, dead, green grass
The wind will pick up and fly
There's no reason to try

I've folded my clothes right this time
Used the bleach and the cleaner
Thick lines between you and I
Twenty feet of mysterious static

You're the perfect height
Energy always at full charge
Your favorite drink is a Dr. Pepper
Two week old, white paint, still streaks your hair
You smoke half a cigarette every time you light up
Have two beautiful children waiting at home
With the third now developing a nose, eyes and ears
And you sold your wedding ring only to buy it back

This is the way everything should be
No trace left behind
Was there ever even a trace at all?

I'll shut the door for the hundredth time
Only closing it slowly to breath in the last scent of memories
The sun will shine and the birds will still chirp
My hands will let go and the balloons will soar off into the sky
A celebration of an ending and a beginning to come

We are. We are.

They say. I say.
Stop thinking.
The loss of thought is ignorance and stupidity.
Don't feel.
The loss of feeling is numbness, pushing it down further.
Don't cry.
The loss of tears is vulnerability.
Don't frown.
The loss of a smile is an old, wrinkled face.
Be strong.
The loss of strength is weakness.
Don't love.
The loss of love is emptiness.
Be fake.
The loss of "being fake" is being real.
Don't be real.
The loss of "being real" is a false reality.
The loss of reality is psychosis.

Silhouette

You give me two choices:

I live the way I do and you see me as a monster

Or,

I can live the way you want and let the monster eat me up inside

BUT, I can live like I want to, and see myself as nothing but who I really am. Where some others would see me as a lover, instead of a monster, and I can get rid of the "monster" all together.

I choose MY CHOICE. You can see me however you want to cause what really matters is how I view myself.

I love this song

Talking Out Loud

   "No, it's not going to hurt. Don't be such a baby. Be a man!"..... "Yes, it will!! It's a boo-boo just like when I was a kid. I'd get in the shower and it'd burn like heck." Then I realized I was having a conversation .... with myself. No, this isn't the first time I've made this recognition. Although, it is the first time I've decided to dwell more on it's complexities, than usual. At one point, I even said, "Natalie and I aren't going to do that anymore." I said it in my head which almost made it three people.
   Why do we talk out loud in our minds? Why can I hear my voice when it's not being used literally? It's interesting how we can remember voices. When I think about certain people and things they've said or something they write me, I read it as they would say it. Their personalities are so evident in the way the speak. I really enjoy that. Though, I have my own voice in my head, which isn't actually my voice. It's the interpretation of my voice along with the echo inside my head. That's why when we actually hear ourselves through a video and wonder why we don't actually sound like we think we do, we get confused. When we talk, it causes a vibration in our head so we're actually hearing mixed sounds. You probably already knew that.
    I was just so flabbergasted by the thought of having a conversation with myself. How could I have contradicting opinions and views. How could I debate with myself? We do it everyday though, through the choices we make, etc. Technically, I don't necessarily believe in two opposing views, I'm just talking through the negative and positives of both. Maybe I do this more than others. I tend to side with both sides of any argument. I put myself in both shoes and find understand in both and a misunderstanding in both. Same as the good and bad in all things. It keeps me from getting upset as well. That's also probably why I'm the mediator in my family and sometimes my friends. It's quite entertaining to listen to myself argue with myself. I think it's great. It doesn't happen out loud that often though. Usually I don't even know I'm doing it. So today, it was extra obvious. Maybe it's all the vitamins I'm taking. I've been taking Ginkgo Biloba which helps more blood get to your brain, increasing the oxygenation to your brain and supposedly helping your memory. Thing is, there's actually no research to back up the memory part but from nursing school, I know that getting blood to your brain is a huge part of health, thinking, growing and healing of the brain.
    Did you know there are vitamins to lift your mood? Yep, go check 'em out. I've never used them, but if you are interested, they are there.

END.

Who Knew Blessings Could Come From Anti-Diarrheals

The only noises I hear, are my feet constantly shuffling from aisle to aisle, and the long, drawn out sighs from my dry mouth. Six hours of treading rubber to and fro, then up and down, stocking Kroger merchandise. My job is very intelligible and tedious. Stock shelf, open box, stock shelf, organize, pace...back and forth. This goes on for about eight hours straight. On occasion, a customer will inquire about where to find some laxatives, a specific vitamin, or sometimes, like today, a young lady asked me if we sold underwear. Obviously, I don't stock the entire store. I work in the OTC area. Which means that 99% of the customers that enter the vicinity of my work space are, yes, the elderly.
   Let me first enlighten you about the important aspect about my job, timing. We were recently hounded about not getting our "productivity" finished on time. Before every stocking experience, we are given boxes and totes with merchandise and a dreadful paper that tells us an incredibly impossible amount of time the boxes and the totes should be emptied. This is our "productivity" time limit. We were also notified that if we cannot meet these ridiculous expectations, we are given warnings, "progressive discipline," the manager says. He even had the audacity to turn to me and ask in a southern accent, "do you know what progressive discipline is?" Yes, I do live in the south, but any average person, with a high school degree, should know what 'progressive' and 'discipline' are and be able to put those two together to get what it means.
   I digress, returning to the blue totes, the laxatives and the fear of getting older. I find myself stuck between a ticking clock (which I can't stand) and a precious wrinkled face that can't seem to stop moving it's lips. We've all been here before. The awkward moment when an older person talks like they've had no human contact in years. Who've gotten tired of conversing with their dog, Ginger, realizing the dog never speaks with it's mouth, only it's eyes. So far, I've only encountered woman who have this characteristic. Not to say they are the only ones who like to talk, but I find that older men would rather just keep their mouths shut. I think they've realized over the years that the woman always do the talking. Even though my mind tells me to be annoyed and keep working, to get them to leave me alone, I never do. Not because I find it disrespectful, which it is, but because I realize that they really do need people to talk to. Insanity is not far from anyone's mind, whether old or young. This is besides the point though.
    The other day, a woman approached me in an automatic wheelchair. You know the kind the store provides for people with disabilities to use? Well, I wanted to help her because it's not easy to grab lower items off the shelf when using one of those contraptions. She was looking for anti-diarrheals. She said, "I need these because the antibiotics that the hospital gave me, just tear me up." I responded with the same response I use anytime someone says something that could make them uncomfortable, I said, "oh, I completely understand. I'm a nursing student." She stopped and looked at me and said, "well, I was a nurse for over twenty years." "Oh, that's fantastic to hear, " I said. She inquired about my current schooling. I mentioned that I failed out of nursing school and that I'm taking the semester off and returning for my public health degree, etc, etc. She stopped me and said something that threw me off. She simply said she had failed out too, long ago. The words came out of her mouth like smooth butter to bread. As if it was no big deal, just a fork in the road, a small stepping stone. She continued the conversation by saying something I tend to tell a multitude of people, "you know, I tend to have a hunch about people. I'm not always right, but I have pretty good feelings when it comes to people and I look at your face and I see a great nurse. I know you'll be a wonderful nurse. When I look at you, I can see it in your face. You WILL be a great nurse." It blew me away. What an encouraging thing to say. It lit the spark that had once burnt in my soul and digressed into a small ember.
   It reminded me of the days before nursing school when I always said I would never work with geriatric patients. For the longest time, I thought I could never relate to them. I tried and it never worked out for me. I couldn't even get along with my own grandmother. Once nursing school started, I spent more and more time with them. During some of their most vulnerable times and sat and talked with them. They always had the most insightful and wisest things to say. I finally began to relate to them and I'm in a place now where I would gladly work with the elderly. This experience also reminded me why it's important to never neglect someone, even if they annoy you or interrupt your work, because they may have something to tell you that you need to hear, or that you never would have learned without them. One person can change your whole day. You can also change their day by spending time talking to them or encouraging them in some way. Anger, frustration, and impatience interfere with blessings, love, and gifts that we could be receiving. It's easier said then done, but I hope these words remind you to be thankful for the strangers around you, and also the people in your life that love you and want the best for you.

Middle Ground

It's a hard life being a good friend. First of all, it's not an easy thing to do. To always be there for them, to treat them with the upmost respect, to make sure you help them when they are in need, to stop what you're doing to comfort them, to encourage them, etc. Once you actually have that down pack, your friends tend to just expect that of you because they wouldn't expect any less. If you're being a consistently good friend and screw up once, it's like you committed the worst crime in the world because they would never have expected that. That's why people who aren't religious get so upset at Christians because they think Christians are supposed to be perfect beings and when they fudge up, they are considered hypocritical. 


Now if you're the type of friend that doesn't meet really any of those expectations. Where people don't really consider you a friend but more of an acquaintance, your situation is different. At some point, people won't expect anything of you anymore and when you actually do-do something nice, kind or more friendly, it means the world because that's not what you would usually do. It has some exponentially higher meaning. 


Maybe I have to try being both so that nothing is expected of me and kind gestures are still considered meaningful. 

There's a Light At the End of Every Dark Tunnel

My father has smoked cigarettes all of my life. For the longest time I thought it was a nasty habit. I'm not sure if that was because I really believed it was or because that's what my other family members told me. As I've grown up, matured, changed, and become who I've wanted to be, my mindset has morphed into something I never imagined it would. As far as my dad's smoking goes, I've learned to see in a different light. To me I see love, art, imagination, pain, struggle, ease, peace, and many other things. I've been trying to find light in every dark place I see.


When I went to California this summer, I took a few *new* pictures of my father. Pictures of him smoking and the way I see it. My sister commented on them and said, "eew, gross." If she doesn't want to see the light in that darkness then that's fine. I know that I live a happier, more peaceful life, realizing what Lady Gaga said:

"If you don't have shadows, you're not standing in the light"

Through the years I've forgotten all the traumatic things that have happened in our lives, all of your failures as a father and all of the times I cried or couldn't cry from being so numb. Now, all I see is a man that I love unconditionally, a man I'm related to, a man that's just like me. A man who is me. 

I love you daddy.

El Club de Combate de Hormiga

Ha. As I was just thinking my first sentence out in my head, it was in Spanish. "Las hormigas......" 


Here's to a different style of writing *cheers* 


* What I think about when I think ANTS *


- They're small, but wise
- They are strong and do have an overseer, the queen ant, as opposed to what the Bible actually says about them
          Proverb 6:6-8

          6 Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! 
          7 It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, 
          8 yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. 

          Proverbs 30:24-25 (King James Version)

         24There be four things which are little (smallest) upon the earth, but they are exceeding wise: 
         25The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat (food) in the summer; 

Also, the Quran speaks of the ants as well:

         In Surah 27:16-19

         [16] And Solomon was David's heir. He said: "O ye people! We have been taught the speech of birds and

         on us has been bestowed (a little) of all things: this is indeed Grace Manifest (from Allah.)" 
         [17] And before Solomon were marshaled his hosts, of Jinns and men and birds, and they were all kept

         in order and ranks. 
         [18] At length, when they came to a (lowly) valley of ants, one of the ants said: "O ye ants get into 

         your habitations, lest Solomon and his hosts crush you (under foot) without knowing it."
         [19] So he smiled, amused at its speech; and he said: "O my Lord! so order me that I may be grateful

         for Thy favors, which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may work the 

         righteousness that will please Thee: and admit me, by Thy Grace, to the ranks of Thy righteous

         Servants."

"King Solomon was given a special power by Allah. This power was the ability to hear and understand the communications of human beings, jinn, and animals. His kingdom was outstanding, and his army was dreadful. Even one foot from one of his soldiers would have been enough to squeeze an entire colony of vulnerable ants, but Solomon heard the appeal of those ants and was reminded of the favor that Allah had given him.

Interestingly, the Quran clearly indicates the female gender of workers ants-a fact that could not have been known when the Quran was revealed. The Quran is talking about feminine ant." (http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/105309/religion/what_do_the_bible_and_quran_say_about_the_ants.html)

- Ants can carry up to seven times their own weight! 

- Ants carry the dead ants back to the colony. Talk about respect and honor

- Ants are social, organized, loyal, and hardworking. Imagine how our economy would be if we had their work ethic and respect. Maybe we need a queen ant. Hence....female leader. Just a thought.

- My name must have been derived from ant. Think about it

- I think ants hold a really important secret that we as humans will never find. Even if we did, I don't think we'd understand

- I wonder how big we look to ants. It reminds me of the Xena episodes with the giants. Although, we are much bigger to ants than the giants were to humans. We all freak out about hurricanes and tornados but imagine if we had threats that humans were attacking us. I bet the highest cause of ant mortality is human stompings. The second cause being chemicals. 

- After an ant hill destruction, the whole community of ants comes out to attack and immediately start re-building their home! It's as if they have no fear. They even come up to us and walk all over us. I want fearlessness like the ant

* My Ant Stories *

- I highly enjoy seeing baby ants crawl on me. It's like watching a sideways colon (:) with a mustache run around on your body. Plus, I love miniature things. Baby ants are miniature to me so I get extremely ecstatic about seeing them

- Yes, when I was younger I did try to use my glasses as magnifying lenses to burn them with the suns rays. No, I've never actually killed one that way. I was too sympathetic to actually let it die that way. I have no problems killing ants (sorry, Lisa) but I've always had a terrible fear of dying by a fire or being burnt. I couldn't do that to a poor ant or anything for that matter. Now I'm going to be hypocritical in my next story because I killed ants with fire....haha. oops. 

- One day I came home to the famous Blue House that I lived in and there was Tyler Pearson, a guy that I've never been fond of, setting our grass on fire. I walked up to him and rudely asked him what the hell he was doing. He was putting gas on the huge ant hills that we had and setting them on fire to kill the ant colony. Because I love fire (how ironic?) I watched him do it and found complete excitement from it. I'm not really sure how I can tell you that I would never kill ants with fire but how I love watching an ant hill light up with flames. Sometimes I'm a walking contradiction but I'm being completely honest that I love it and I hate it. Guess it depends on my mood or the circumstance

- I love flicking ants

* My Imagination Running Wild *

- What would it taste like to roll up ants and smoke them? Maybe the effect would be less laziness

- Is there racism between the red and black ants?

- I wonder if ants go on dates at the top of their hills

- I'd love to have an ant adventure like the one in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. "Mommy, I want to ride the ant!!"

- They should create cocoa ant cereal. Could you imagine fake, chocolate looking ants in your cereal? nom, nom

- I've never understood ant farms. Considering the ant and it's simple, hardworking life, it seems like animal cruelty to me.  What do you feed ants in an ant farm?

- If there were ant tribes, I'd totally join them. It'd probably be the most successful tribe ever

- What would be an ants favorite music while working? I wonder if they whistle while they work

- If ants had down time, what would they do? 

- They eat human food. I wonder what their favorite human food is

- I wonder if ants die of broken hearts

- I would highly enjoy watching life size ants wrestle. Is that weird?

Just for fun. Sorry, I forgot it takes a mirror image of the photo. Alien Ant Farm, the band :)

     

I Traced the Stars and Nothing Happened

"What are you so afraid about? What are you so afraid of?" - TEB

For the most part of my life I thought I had everything somewhat figured out. I thought I knew everything that I wanted in my future and how it might go. I've had a pretty consistent view of my life since I was really young and it hasn't changed until the past few years. The world was right when they said that college is a place where you change and try to find yourself.

Although, at this point in my life, I feel like I'm forever going to be changing and no matter how hard I try to be consistent or live how I think my life should go, it won't happen that way. So for once in my life I have no expectations besides the ones I just naturally have. I'm not going out of my way to make things go a certain way. I'm not expecting them to go like they would in a movie, a book or how society says it should be. What a relief it is to finally feel this way. To just breathe....and only worry about breathing. The moment. The now or never. The tomorrow may never come. That I no longer have to live to please other people.

For once I can tell Fear that I don't care what happens in the future. I'm up for the challenge and I'm up for overcoming the fears. I don't think I'm alone in this either and it makes it even more exhilarating.

Here I am life. Bring it.

The Truth About My Art

I am no artist but I am an artist. I draw well and I draw poorly, but at least when I draw it comes straight through me; from my soul to my heart, then to my hands. Seems wrong to even use an eraser because then you're just erasing who you really are.

The Embers of Growth

Mouth agape with vocals vibrating, across the patio railing, whizzing past window sills, through childrens' ears, past cars and up into the air to be dispersed into vast nothingness. Everyone hears the melody of pitches, but nobody opens their hearts to listen to the echos of pain.

Salty tears make large, looking glass puddles. Words fall out like broken puzzle pieces waiting to be put together. Hands writhe and wriggle, wandering passionately through the air, expressing their emotions through dance. Eyes quickly peek at this distant motion due to peripheral vision. Being so acquainted with such movements, the eyes look away at other musings. So easily conformed to the tragedies of this world, our hearts no longer breathe empathy, but breathe out carelessness.

Attached to our feet are immortal shadows. If you see no shadow, you are not standing in the light. For we all have gray beings that follow us about...taunting us, making us vulnerable in the daylight. When nightfall arrives, our lives entangle inside old buildings, hiding the true self that screams out loud through the thin, plastered walls. Screams, screams.....SCREAMS! Every voice yelling for understanding. Every voice quiet and pretending. Every face mashed with scars. Every voice looks away without grace. Compassion vanishes without a trace.

Aisle 9

It was exactly 6 am. I was overlooking the grocery store at Krogers. I tend to forget that grocery stores have an upstairs where they can see everything that's going on below. It was my second day at work and I was waiting around for someone to tell me what I should be doing.

I could see most aisles and loved the fact that no one could tell I was watching them. Not too many people came in the morning but for the most part, the only people who came into the store were the elderly women. Not a surprise at all. Then, I saw a couple men come in at different times. They were well groomed, showered, and well dressed. Not dressed as if they were going to work but dressed in casual clothes. And I thought to myself, what better way to meet good men but at the grocery store at 6 in the morning. I assume that anyone who gets up at this time has a good head on their shoulder. That they enjoy life and don't spend so much time stuck in the house. That maybe they tend to spend more time outside thinking about all the things to be thankful for. That obviously they weren't out partying hard last night. Maybe these are the more "ready to commit" men. More responsible and level headed.

Just a thought.

The Long Journey Home

You never know where life is going to take you. You never know if you'll actually make it out alive or not. When you accidentally go down the wrong path, you'll run into potholes, sticks, stones and other hurt people along the way. Some of us are prepared and some of us never cope enough to actually finish the path. Somehow along this journey we grow, get stronger, and change. The more emotions and hardships our hearts endure, the more strength that develops. What an interesting concept...but even Jesus said, 'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.'

At times I find myself pitying those who are going through trying times. Yet, those are the very people who are learning to be stronger than I am. They are the people who will reach their destination and help others fight through battles till they too become warriors. Maybe that's why God wants us to rejoice in our sufferings, to not carry others burdens, because it doesn't give us strength at all.

I've been walking down a narrow path. A path chosen for me. I've been battling Finances, a Broken Heart, Change, Stress, and Failure. There is more to the list but that is not the point. The point is that I am hurt, frustrated, sad, happy, angry, and fascinated. I believe this is the path I should be on. I believe in strength, hope and perseverance. I believe. As emotional as this time is for me, it makes me relieved to know that I'll make it out alive and I'll be tougher than before. I humbled kind of tough.

I've always been the type to love change and enjoy learning new things. This is a time in my life where I've learned so many things I can't even begin to explain what they are or how I learned them. When I finally reach my destination, I hope God uses me to encourage and help someone else in their time of need. For now, I'll be trusting in the Lord and His promises for me. I'll walk the narrow path and fight for my future.

OH HI!

I plan on returning to my wonderful blog life soon. Just a heads up :) Enjoy college.

A Faint Tic

Mouths duct taped

Voices locked deep

Solely feet apart

Culprit: unnecessary pain

Flowers bloom, die away

Heat rises through the day

First memories never forgotten

Souls connected, never broken

I can always feel you there

A connection we'll always share

Weight holding me down

Time ticks, ticks, its sound

Begins and ends the same

Healer, it's other name

Vapor in the night

Coming for us both

Freight and fight

Till the morning light

Will We Ever Learn?

I'm singing another sad song America
"Haters are gonna hate"
"My father drank himself away"
and "what's my happy ending"


Sometimes we never find the truth
But the words in our songs are true to us
Our somber words leak from our hearts
If it's true for you, you'll feel a change
And now I'm singing another sad song


History repeats itself, repeats itself
We live torn between what we want
What we think we want
What we need, what we think we need
How to love, who to love, what's love
What's true and what's real, what's not


What's true for you might not be true for me
But what's true is that I walk a blinded path
Where nothing's right and nothing's wrong
Everything is wonderful and everything is a sad song


The world can never be a peaceful place
Because we never learn the truth

He does a great cover....haha

Tik Tok Cover by Jay Brannan

This is great :)

Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco

Lupe is awesome. Read the lyrics:


[Skylar Grey]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco]
I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit
Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets
How much money does it take to really make a full clip
9/11 building 7 did they really pull it
Uhh, And a bunch of other cover ups
Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts
If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut
The school was garbage in the first place, thats on the up and up
Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust
You get it then they move you so you never keeping up enough
If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the f-cks”
Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such
And that aint Jersey Shore, homie thats the news
And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth
Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist
Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit
Thats why I aint vote for him, next one either
I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful
And I believe in the people.

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 2]
Now you can say it aint our fault if we never heard it
But if we know better than we probably deserve it
Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship?
Murdering is not Islam!

And you are not observant
And you are not a muslim
Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them
Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the Kush went
Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for?
Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up?
Just listening to Pac aint gone make it stop
A rebel in your thoughts, aint gon make it halt
If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor
Pills with million side effects
Take em when the pains felt
Wash them down with Diet soda!
Killin off your brain cells
Crooked banks around the World
Would gladly give a loan today
So if you ever miss payment
They can take your home away!

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said, never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 3]
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said