Surviving Your Own Home

Honestly, whenever I hear a holiday is coming up, I get emotional. I don't talk about, I just shut down and pretend that all is well within me. It's the easiest way to cope with the feelings. I've never planned anything for spring break and I've always spent time at home. I only had two expectations for this break: 1) to study for my test the upcoming Monday and 2) go home for at least 2 days to see my grandmother and get some errands done.

I usually call my grandmother the day before or a couple of days before I go see her. I wasn't actually planning on going to go home until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday but I woke up not feeling to well. Which then lead me to want to go home to get some TLC. I called her while still in Milly but she didn't answer. I called her cell phone as well but she usually never picks up. I thought maybe she was on a trip and I didn't know about it because I hadn't talked to her in awhile. Either way, I needed to get home to do certain errands.

As I was driving to Fayetteville, my nana called me from her cell phone. I answered and asked her where she was. She said she was in North Ga on a small trip for the week. I knew it. Here I am already sad that my guardians live in Montana, my dad in California, my sister in TX, and I'm stuck in GA, driving two hours to an empty "home." That's not the best feeling in the world, to say the least.

I also left my phone charger at home so my phone is dying at the moment and I can't contact anyone which isn't good for me while I'm here alone. There's always been something about this house that has freaked me out. It's a two story house with one bedroom downstairs and three upstairs. It's a fairly large house for just my grandmother and I. I usually sleep in the upstairs guest room...they're all guest rooms but there's one in particular I sleep in. Every night when I try to go to sleep I get paranoid. This house has an alarm but it only works on the windows and doors downstairs. I creep myself out by thinking of situations where the "bad guys" get in upstairs and I'm trapped. I know I can't defend myself. My roommate Michelle is a wee gal and she takes me out in one blow.

Also, I've had a lot of anxiety attack episodes in that room. I have these attacks when I sleep. I've also been woken up at early times in the morning with sharp pain, nausea, and labored breathing. So, it's not my favorite place to sleep and when my grandmother isn't here, it's only escalated. I'm currently in her bed watching TV and I plan on falling asleep in here if I can. It's the place I feel safest. Sometimes I text friends till I fall asleep because that seems to help but with my phone dying and all, it's not an option.

The rest of the week I have to study so this spring break is again, another reason for me to hate holidays.