Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco

Lupe is awesome. Read the lyrics:


[Skylar Grey]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco]
I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit
Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets
How much money does it take to really make a full clip
9/11 building 7 did they really pull it
Uhh, And a bunch of other cover ups
Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts
If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut
The school was garbage in the first place, thats on the up and up
Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust
You get it then they move you so you never keeping up enough
If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the f-cks”
Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such
And that aint Jersey Shore, homie thats the news
And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth
Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist
Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit
Thats why I aint vote for him, next one either
I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful
And I believe in the people.

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 2]
Now you can say it aint our fault if we never heard it
But if we know better than we probably deserve it
Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship?
Murdering is not Islam!

And you are not observant
And you are not a muslim
Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them
Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the Kush went
Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for?
Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up?
Just listening to Pac aint gone make it stop
A rebel in your thoughts, aint gon make it halt
If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor
Pills with million side effects
Take em when the pains felt
Wash them down with Diet soda!
Killin off your brain cells
Crooked banks around the World
Would gladly give a loan today
So if you ever miss payment
They can take your home away!

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said, never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 3]
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said

What are the chances?

Yesterday, something crazy happened.

I'm not sure how often this happens but I'm pretty sure it's rare.

I've written about a person. Someone I don't know, I've just seen them and they inspired me to write about something. Months later, I was in a meeting somewhere over an hour away from where I originally saw them. They walked into the meeting and I noticed the one aspect about them that I had noticed the first time I saw them and I had to take a double take. How odd is it that someone you don't know, that you've written about, shows up in your life again and they have NO idea you know who they are. Kind of creepy but kind of meant to be?? yeah??

That's all. Sorry for being general. I'm unable to talk specifics : |


----- JUST SAW THEM AGAIN!! IN THE ORIGINAL PLACE---- woah : )

Won't fence me in

I agree

Pride & Joy

Pride & Joy
By: Brandi Carlile


Time of day I can't recall

The kind of thing that takes it's toll

Over years and over time

Over smiles and over wine

All in all it wasn't bad

All in all it wasn't good

But I still care

That's the problem with the days

They're never long enough to say

What it is you never said

All the books you never read

I throw myself into the wind

Hoping somebody will pick me up

And carry me again

Where are you now?

Do you let me down?

Do you make me grieve for you?

Do i make you proud?

Do you get me now?

Am i your pride and joy?

I believe this to be true

Nothing sacred nothing new

No one tells you when its time

There are no warnings only signs

And you know that you're alone

You're not a child anymore

But you're still scared

All your mountains turn to rocks

All your oceans turn to drops

They are nothing like you thought

Can't be something you are not

Life is not a looking glass

Don't get tangled in your past

Like i am learning not to

Where are you now?

Do you let me down?

Do you make me grieve for you?

Do I make you proud?

Do you get me now?

Am I your pride and joy?

This pretty much sums up the life I've been living. A life spent looking through the binoculars of my life. Constantly stuck in the past and feeling like I was never going to be able to live inside MY life again but instead, a life that other people would rather view through the looking glass. A life I would rather view through the looking glass. A life I'm no longer going to be looking at but living. A dangerous process but a healing one at that. It's going to be very difficult for me and very easy all at the same time. It will be a growing process until the day I die and I will live through a lot of hardship because of it, but it's better than the fake, unhappy, facade of a life I choose to show you.

Whats It Feel like, This Love We Speak Of?

I keep waiting for the day it no longer hurts
You'd think four years was enough time
I've done more than cope and adapt
But my scar reopens and spills out
Is this what love feels like?

Seventeen Years of Silence

Sleeping, living, loving, dying
I awake to the mating call of cicadas
A miraculous, odd, and unexpected existence
Humming in the distance
Attacking passerby's with one quick swoosh
An annoyance, pestering us all
But then the rain came and quieted the world
The cicadas died off and tears fell to the ground
A nuisance, now a loss

And the days keep passing by

And I have no evidence to show

But one day you will be mine
And I will be yours
Our love tightly wrapped between our fingers
And swiftly between our breaths
We will be like cicadas; living, loving, and dying
The world will watch as we disappear
Together all at once with no fear

This is a true secret....

And as much as I dislike this postcard, I still say: I am capable of anything. I am capable of this. And so are you. We have no right to judge anyone

My Path

A path once divided in two and one was less traveled by but my paths have diverged into one consistent path that is rocky and bumpy, it has a lot of hills but it leads to the same place.

From the Depths of My Soul I Cry Out

There are times when I see something or someone specific and think of the past. Sitting in Blackbird, a man walked into my peripheral vision and he was pouring cream into his coffee. I first noticed his hands. Rough, old, and tan. My pupils dilated to see the full view of this hard working man, wearing his dark blue pants, and light blue shirt. An auto mechanic's shirt, with the sewn in name tag, black cursive writing, and his name...Doug.  Sunglasses that sat on his blondish-white hair that was almost as long as a mullet but not enough to call it one. I couldn't help but have the feeling that I was so proud of him. That I appreciated him for whatever he has done for the world and will do. A sense that he was special to the world, to me, without having to do a thing. The funny thing is that every man I've ever met with rough, thin, tan skin were men that treated the people in my life with the upmost disrespect. Men I hated the most. I remember all their faces, their names, their violence. I remember the finest details of their physical features; from the acne scars on their face to the calloused hands that rubbed me the wrong way.

It's been over 8 years since I've seen one of those "men." I know that I'm healed because I am able to look at a man that I don't know, with similar features, and be proud of him. A subconscious feeling that I didn't even have to try and create inside me. It almost makes me want to cry.

It reminds me of the story I wrote awhile ago about the little boy that touched my heart. I've been thinking about that moment a lot lately and I've come to realize that I myself was that child. I can look back and remember the times I'd lay my head across the table in class, hoping that someone would notice me. That my hurt was real and that it was worth giving attention to. I was definitely connected to that child and I did want to take him home...but I think he reminded me of the pain I had felt so long ago and had forgotten about. Of course...it all makes sense now. Growing up I was never listened to. I had no voice. As I grew older, I became more popular. Now I have a ton of friends and people who love me and listen to me. Because I went through such pain and misunderstanding, I tend to seek out people that I know are hurting. I reach out to people I know other people won't talk to or give a chance to because I know they are just like me and they have SO much to say but no one will listen. Even mentally ill patients have something to tell us. They have a voice too. This little boy had a voice and he wanted so badly to share it but wasn't listened to enough...so he got quiet. I love that little boy and I pray to God he heals and uses that voice to change the world one day.

Terrible

Some people will NEVER understand.


http://www.advocate.com/News/Daily_News/2011/05/09/Antigay_Uganda_Bill_Nears_Vote/

"Present" (not as in gift, but as in existing/being)

You know, you could possibly understand...if you tried. But you haven't. You haven't even asked. I've spent most of my life trying to be there for other people and listen to what they have to say, because I know that I've been neglected in that area for longer than any adult, adolescent, teen, child, or toddler should. I make excuses for you, over and over again because I like to believe that people should be given chances. I also believe in HOPE, something that lets me down all too often. And so today, I make a change. If you care, then be involved in my life. If you choose not to be involved in my life, then I am thankful for the time we've spent together. I hope that since you're not involved in my life, that you're involved in someone else's.

I LOVE THE LIGHT TOO MUCH TO FEAR THE FLAME

2 newbies....

&

BANG BANG

I need to learn to dance like this. next project since I'll have so much time on my hands!

Hold On

I have to credit Britta for this video because she's posted it on her blog a while ago. I've listened to it a few times in the past couple of days and I've listened to the words over and over again. But today, they hold a different meaning for me and today, they are encouraging me more than ever.

So, I'll hold on because I feel like letting go. (not suicide. A different type of letting go)

WATCH THIS!!!

LISTEN & LOVE & SHARE THEIR MUSIC

DAWN MITSCHELE COVERS PATTY GRIFFIN: BOTH GREAT ARTISTS

THE LUCK MAN

I'm going back to the bank to get some more luck from Mr. Funke. Yeah, that's his name.

Footy Pajamas

"Intimacy involves care, and care involves kindness and treating someone well and making them feel like they are respected and important."


A new friend of mine sent this to me today (now yesterday). It's interesting, because she's someone who knows very little, but so much about me at the same time. And when someone who doesn't know what's going on in my life, sends me something that makes my mind rattle and have an epiphany, it boggles my mind. Almost destiny, if you believe in that kind of thing. I think it was destiny. I think she's a huge part of a healing process for me. Definitely not what I was expecting at all but then again, maybe not. Guess I'll see.


Anyway....


Intimacy. After looking up the definition, I realized I had always believe intimacy to have one definition. That it involved a sexual relationship. That was the intimate part, the sexual part, or any physical part. But when my friend stated it as something between friends, I though...no, I don't think I've ever heard of that. That's not okay. Friends don't do intimate things together unless their more than friends. I grew up with my father and we never talked about intimacy and when we would have bonding moments, they were not called intimate moments, but bonding bro moments. I didn't think intimacy was for anyone but two people who were in love. 


But the actual definition of INTIMATE:

adj.

1. Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.

2. Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature: intimate prayers.

3. Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.

4. Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.

5. Very personal; private: an intimate letter.

6. Of or involved in a sexual relationship.

Definition of INTIMACY:

–noun, plural -cies.

1.

the state of being intimate.

2.

a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

3.

a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with japan.

That completely changes it's meaning for me. I know plenty of times I've had "intimate" moments or have had/have "intimate" friends. I'd say MOST of my friends are intimate friends. I'm just the type of person to have deep conversations which stem from deep experiences and if I can't share those with people, then they usually become acquaintances, rather than close friends. And as I've mentioned in prior blog posts that I am a very affectionate person, but I've had my moments lately where I haven't been affectionate at all. Although, lately all I've wanted to do was hold someone and be held. I kind of see it as a sign of weakness so I don't initiate it.....


Intimacy is basically an unconditional love. A comfortable place with someone that you have no worries about what you are going to say or do. You know that no matter what they'll love you and agree to disagree if they have to. And as my friend said, it builds the more you get to know someone. So much so that it can lead to physical affection. Affection, that is known to both partners, as "intimate," in a non-sexual manner. 


What's your take on intimacy? Do you view intimacy as something different? What times do you feel intimate? (PG please, lol :p)

Giving it up for lent...

Usually people give up what they love for lent...be it soda, chocolate, facebook, etc. If we're giving up things we love then why don't we give up LOVE, or happiness, or joy. How about that? Or are they just things that we love but shouldn't love. Maybe their more things that should be used in moderation? Love could be used in moderation in some cases...but happiness seems to have no moderation. So I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Eh, just a ramble.

Attractive

I've been told more than a few times lately how "attractive" I am. I'm not going to lie when I say it's a very uplifting word. I think all girls need to be told how attractive they really are.

Thanks guys! : )

I LOVE THIS VIDEO/SONG

Feeling "lost" again

Over the whole 22 year period of my life, I've had a lot of scars created inside. And today....

...I lost something internally. It's either missing or it's broken. Something's twisted or cracked. Maybe it ran away; for now or for good. But I can feel that it's gone. It feels right and it feels wrong.

Sometimes There is Never a Right Answer

An old memory just came to mind again. It was from at least four years ago. I was working at the Eckerds pharmacy back home. At some point I began talking to this woman who came into the store. We somehow got onto the topic of toilet paper. Which way we like the end piece to hang: front or back. You can't deny it, we ALL have a specific way we like to load the tissue.

The funny thing is, we got into an argument about it. To the point that other people in the store were getting uncomfortable. It started off with her saying that she liked the tissue to hang away from her, so the back.... like so:

http://media2.ct.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/_Y-XzYF4ZLTxGsrKwOfZqg/ms

I've always liked the toilet paper to face me because I've tried it the other way and it just doesn't work out for me. So I told her how I liked it. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive... her face was like:

http://www.thedarkalliance.co.uk/_images/shocked_face_final.gif

She began to explain that it is SO much easier to just pull the paper and rip it. Ten times easier then if you had the roll FACING YOU! I was like NO, because if you pull on it from the back, it just keeps rolling sometimes. It's hard than if you just grab the roll from the front and tear across. So here we are in the middle of an Eckerds store, with all the pharmacy employees watching, as we argued about easy access toilet paper directions. This lady was getting heated and as the calm person that I am, I just said whatever lady, and walked away.

It was awesome. lol. But I was seriously about to slap her. But hey, I've always believed...To each his own, right? right.

YES.

The Winter Holds a Bite We Never Felt Before

I like my horoscope today:


A sudden insight or intuition, perhaps even in the form of a precognitive dream or "psychic feeling" will come to you just in time to prevent an unpleasant situation today. You may have a strange encounter with a child who is wise beyond their years.


I'm not sure if what happened already today has anything to do with this horoscope. But I just looked at the horoscope so there was no way for it to be fake. 


Today, for clinicals, we went to a school to do vision and hearing screens. Many children stopped by my area and got tested for nearsightedness. Hilarious kids, quiet kids, happy kids, all kinds of kids. But about 3/4t hs of the way through, my teacher brought me a child around the age of 8. Not sure the exact age. She lipped the fact that he probably wasn't going to open his mouth. 


This wasn't the greatest news to hear considering the test I was doing was like a reading test. I place a card 14 in away from the child's face and see what they can read. They have to say out loud what it is they see. So, here I was looking at this small child wondering what it was that made him not want to speak. I just decided to do what I could to make him comfortable. 


He sat down in the small, blue, chair and looked at the ground. I said hey and asked him his name. He didn't respond but rather looked up at me with his small, puppy dog eyes, red and swollen and then looked back down at the floor. I changed my tactic by pointing out the colors on his shirt. I said, "hey, you're wearing a red shirt...is red your favorite color?" and he nodded his head, yes. I immediately realized what I had to do. I knew he wouldn't speak so instead, I just asked him if the number that he was trying to read was, say a 3? a 4? a 5? and he'd nod yes to the correct answer every time. So I was able to make sure he had good vision. At that moment, I felt really good. I honestly didn't want him to go. I wanted to spend more time with him. But he needed to go to the next station so I watched him walk across the room and I began to just cry.


 I tried to hold it in but my eyes just watered. At first I wasn't sure why I was crying. I've heard sad stories about people and have never cried unless it was a built up emotion like in movies. This time was so different. It was like I could feel his pain and I understood there was something wrong going on. The fact that I reached a part of him made me attached immediately. I wanted to keep being there for him. I watched my other nursing friends use the same tactic that I used to get him to do the other tests. It made me feel like I had done something so important...and I did. 


He finally left the classroom and I began to talk about him to the other girls and began to cry again. It was an unexplainable emotion that really got me thinking. I'm not sure where I'm going with the thoughts yet so I won't express them quite yet.

Your Time Won't Be Lost

Simmering heat
Bare feet, calloused souls
Onward to the new, you entered
Tiny, tragic, tempting
World closes
Creating a telescopic view of you
Marching and matching
Shoes unknown to us

Gathering around green grass
A memory, flash, a laugh
Musical musings of your mouth
Hands gather like clouds
Become lighting sounds
Eyes all enticed, focused on you

Distance: distracting, daunting
Energies get closer
Shadows entwine
Fingers, friction grinding fabric
Scraping nerves away

Green, gathering eyes, garble my mind
Words, a vapor
Catching them one at a time
Visions of far away places
LIfe, different, daring and dreamy

Magnetic connection challenging me
Time: ticking and towering
Your feet to the floor
Fingers softly through my hair
Again your vapor, name on paper
On to the new, nice to meet you

UGGGHHHHHHHHH.

I took this the other night....

COMMENT BELOW

I'm curious....why do you read my blog? Is it because you want to know what's going on in my life? Is it because you like the interesting topics that I write about? Is it because you want to get to know me and what I like? Is it cause you're bored?

I have this blog for YOU. For my family and friends. What is it you want to know?

I sit here thinking about what to write. I want to write something you'll read. So comment below, whether you're apart of blogger, or not. You're allowed to comment even if you don't have an account. What do you want to know? What do you want me to write about?

If you don't comment then you obviously don't care about what I write OR you're a creeper from some other country, haha.

Soo....

I may buzz my hair off this summer. Natalie Portman obviously looks good with it. I'm not doing it to look better. Just to do it.

Also, my friend Holly Shell has sort of inspired me to do it....

Bow Chicka Bow-wow

I haven't been blogging. Which means I haven't been thinking. Which means I've been super busy. This either means everything is going well or that everything is about to fall apart. That's usually how it goes.

I need to find time to think.

If You Are Wondering About My Cuddling Status

DEFINITION: To fondle in the arms; hug tenderly; to nestle, snuggle. 


As a young girl, middle school age, I didn't start the cuddling even though I was okay with it. The only time it would happen was if the other person came over and started cuddling with me. It was still something new to me. I was raised by my father growing up so there was no mommy to cuddle with and I didn't cuddle with my sister because we were always mad at each other. I hated hugging people and I would never, NEVER, say I loved them.


After middle school, I moved away from CA to live with my Aunt and Uncle in GA. They became my guardians. They were very loving and affectionate people. To an extent that was too much for me at first. They always wanted to hug me and I was just like back off. It kinda freaked me out. But as time went by, I realized they gave me a lot of the love and attention I never got in CA. After about 2 years with them, I started to really love hugging people and saying I love you to them all the time. One day I realized how much I had changed in that department. It was a good thing for the most part. I still didn't cuddle that much with people though.


Then in college, I cuddled with all my friends. It was a mutual thing and I never felt like I was intruding in their space.  I knew I was loved and welcome and they did too. So I did some snuggling here and there. Still gave tons of hugs and said a ton of I love yous ....sometimes too many. Around my junior year of college, some things in my life began to take hold. Some things I had left to rot in the back of my mind started growing again and destroyed a lot of strong parts of my life. My friends began to notice that I'd stay away from any form of affection. I had to reaffirm them all that it wasn't personal. I stopped telling people that I loved them and even when I wanted to give people hugs, I wouldn't. I'm slowly getting out of this place but I'm still there. There are people I'd like to hug but I don't unless they ask. Although I like cuddling, I don't like cuddling. If I tell you I love you, then I'm really comfortable with you. If I don't, it's not because I don't love you, it's just because I can't handle telling you yet. 


So that's part of my story on affection and where I am with that. 

Step On My Toes

I know forgiveness is a virtue but right now there is someone I should stay upset with and should dislike. I have a habit of letting things go easily and right now....it's not helping my case!!! ugh.

I hope this person treats me like s*** so I can move on.

I can keep other peoples secrets. Why I can't I keep my own....

Hi!! I haven't written anything in a while. I've got tons to write but need to sit down and think, which I haven't allowed myself to do. So just listen to this for now.... :D
I <3 you!