This song seems like a recurrent theme in the lives around me:

You were from the North, I was from the South
We were from opposite places, different towns
But I knew it was good and you knew it was too
So we moved together like a ball and chain
Minds becoming two halves of the same
It was real, but in shadows it grew

Cause you've got a secret don't ya babe?

I would've shouted loud and broken through
I would've given it all to belong to you
But there were different plans, different rules
You said "where I'm from there is a lock and key
If you'd be so kind as to follow me
I will show you the way to the rest of my sins"

Cause you've got a secret don't ya babe?
Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe?
And I should know
Yeah I should know

So this room was damp where your sins laid
There was that smell in the air of an old place
That hadn't seen much daylight in years
And you threw me down, said, "If ya don't mind
I'm gonna leave you here until night time
Then we can do what we want my baby out of the spotlight."

Cause you've got a secret don't ya babe?
Yeah you, you got a secret don't ya babe?
And I should know
Yeah I should know
For I'm your secret aren't I babe?
Yeah I'm your secret aren't I babe?
Aren't I babe?

One Art

Oh the agony.
The longing for more.

It can't be true the way I'm feeling. I just want to drop nursing for English. I want to read all the books in the world, I want to sit underneath a shady tree and let my eyes wander to new places. I want to write constantly and learn different writing styles. I want to drink cups of tea with other writers and talk about people and why they do the things they do. I want to talk about interesting characters and revelational thoughts. I want to learn French and speak it as well as I can English. I also must learn sign language. There's a passion in that I can't begin to explain. It started in high school and I can't seem to let it escape me. When signing, I feel like I have the world in my hands. The words slide off my hands as smooth as a bird flying in the air. The combination of facial expressions and soft hand motions create this urge in me to learn it. These things I have an eager passion to do NOW. I don't want to wait. I love nursing but I want to put it on hold. Is this so bad?

Hot senses rush through my skin
Into my bones and out my soul they fly
Passions arising, they are not shy
Soaring hither and within


A new sunrise over the horizon
Colors never seen to this likeness
Festering and bursting forth, unable to suppress
No longer old and wizen


My dearest passion
Coming for me once again
Lips begin speaking, amen
For you, compassion


- Natalie Wright

This is awesome!

I Cannot Do Gray

...so it became "one of those days."
My day started off in a hyper, crazy mood which quickly turned into a lazy, procrastinating, mood. I don't want to get up for clincals in the morning. I have to shower later and get everything ready. I'm trying to understand this newborn heart defect stuff and I'm just not interested right now. I don't feel like talking to people but can't go home because I'll fall asleep and that cannot happen. I have to go to bed around 9 tonight so that I wake up around 4:30am tomorrow. I have a lot on my plate right now and I'm not really sure how to deal with it all or if I'm handing everything correctly. I'm sick of every type of music genre. How can that even happen?

It just feels like things aren't going my way lately and I've lost all control. I can't handle it. I've dropped my writing utensil about five times today and it's really gotten to me. Don't ask me why I'm so touchy today. Maybe I did have one of those mysterious dreams that left an emotional scar for the day. Maybe it's the weather.

Another Old Poem

No interference
Here I am, vulnerable to you
Flashing my brights
Straight at you
On, off, on, off

I'm a pole cemented in your way
The warning sign of a missing person
The flashing lights of a cop car
A leaf flying dead into your face
The "F" marked on your test
The glare shining off a watch

How can it be that you don't see the sun in the sky?
When was the last time you looked at the stars?
If a car was coming right at you, wouldn't you see it?
I'm torn open
I'm torn apart

This makes me giggle :D

<3

How Long Can You Hold Your Breath?

To start of this blog, I thought of these lyrics as I pondered the thoughts of this post.
Lyrics by Brandi Carlile:
Dreams, I have dreams when I'm awake when I'm asleep 
And you, you are in my Dreams 
You're underneath my skin, how am I so weak?


 Dreams, the outlet to all of our thoughts. The secret confession rooms for our hearts. The best theater shows you'll ever see. Our subconscious' playground. The truths hidden in our heart that we didn't even realize were there. Disneyland claims it's a place where anything can happen but they're lying. Your dreams are where anything can happen: unseen, unrated, possible or impossible, crazy, weird and twisted.


And now in my dreams, I can feel the weight
I can just come clean 


 I share my room with my roommate. She has been the one who inspired me to write this. The inspiration came out of the dark, silence of the night. This silence soon turned into full sentences coming out of her mouth while she slept. This odd habit of hers happens EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, yes, it does, lol. It's to the point now where it doesn't startle me at all. Honestly, once I move out, it's going to be a weird adjustment not hearing her talk in the middle of the night. 


 Anyway, the things she says aren't important. They range from old locks, to computers, to her saying my name last night; along with all the other words I never remembered because I was too asleep to actually memorize them. Every morning I explain what she's said and ask her if she remembers her dreams. She claims she never remembers any of her dreams.


 Here's where I break this down: What if we have dreams from our subconscious that happen while we're sleeping that we never remember but actually leave emotions behind. Remember, these are the dreams you don't realize you had. You don't for a second know you even had a dream. For example: let's say one of these mysterious dreams was a fight with your best friend. You wake up and are really upset but you have no idea why and the only one you seem peeved at is your best friend but you don't know where it's coming from. Maybe even emotions that don't show up until later in life or maybe ones that build up inside everyday. It could explain all those days we wake up and say "it's just one of those days." We never know why we have those days but there's some underlying emotion we can't put our finger on.


 These unknown dreams could create no emotions at all, considering I'm sure my roommates story about an old lock not working or how they could just use a computer, aren't going to cause her any issues. Well maybe, haha. For some of us, like myself, who have dreams that they do remember or who have a lot of anxiety or stress, may tend to have subconscious dreams that torture our emotions without us even knowing. 


Dreams...they could be great, but they could also be detrimental. A place of healing or a place of torture. 


Mind, can you read my mind?
Has it come undone, am I showin' signs? 

This is all just stuff to think about. Obviously, I didn't research anything. This is all just coming out of nowhere.

Side note for Tori - I started off with the title "Dreams" and laughed because of our conversation about titles. ha.

Good Morning :D

I canNOT for the life of me get over this woman. It has to be something in her voice that lures me to love her even more. Maybe it's the Australian thing. I want to go there so bad! I wish she was still touring here :\

gahhhhhhhhhh. <3

Valentine's Day

I don't usually talk about Valentines Day, or even mention it at that. I like to pretend it's not a holiday until that person actually comes around to celebrate it with. Everyday is "love" day for me, so this day isn't particularly any more special.

But today was actually a great day! I'm glad I stepped outside of my usual routine to do something different and just let things happen. I didn't worry about who I would see or wouldn't see. I didn't care about school or what I needed to get done. I grabbed a book and a blanket and I enjoyed the warm breeze across my face as I closed my eyes and reminisced about all the things going on in my life right now. Then my awesome new pal, Tori, came and talked with me for a spell. It was needed and very enjoyable!

After that, I came home to some Dominoes pizza with my roommates and a couple of friends. We played Wii sports for a bit and then sat down and watched The Last Song. I'd already seen it before but it was still nice to be with people I really care about and people that care so much about me. I don't get to do that very often considering nursing school and all.

I guess I was wrong when I said that this day is just like every other ordinary day because it wasn't. This day and any day can be more than we ever expect it to be. If we just expand our minds and our horizons and allow it to become something beyond our expectations, then it will be.

Happy Valentines Day <3

RAWRRR

Just a pure vent-latte with extra expresso.

THIS INSTRUCTOR DRIVES ME UP THE WALLS, OVER THE HILLS, THROUGH THE WOODS AND INTO THE DAMN RIVER WHERE I'M DROWNING.

Discovery of the Internal Self

 You know those times when you are searching for something specific, then you come across something else that you weren't even looking for, but are really glad you found? This happened to me today while I was searching blogs for exciting topics to write about. I came across a blog titled "I Hate My Flatmate." This guy writes something he hates about his flatmate every single day. It is the most terrible but hilarious thing I have ever read. He has a fantastic writing style that I can't even begin to explain. Even if I don't agree with some of his comments, I still love his form of writing.

 It makes me jealous because I've always wanted to be an amazing writer. I take that back. I haven't ALWAYS wanted this. It started about a year or two ago. Sometimes it takes people a long time to really realize what their major passions are, especially as we grow and as our beliefs and passions change. If you haven't noticed, writing and photography have been hidden passions of mine. I never talked to people about my writings or poetry. I never had a great camera and I never took pictures, so I never told anyone how important and joyful these things make me.

I've had a lot of set backs, starting as a child. As far as books went, my dad never read to me, so I was never interested in reading or anything to do with English. The only times I would read were for class assignments and I found no excitement in books. Today, I can't put books down. I hate that I spend most of my time reading nursing books when I could be reading something more life changing and revelational.

 I hang out with a lot of English and creative writing majors and I feel really ignorant when I'm around them. They know about all the famous writers and their famous quotes but I have no clue. I've heard some famous names before, but I've never been able to pick up on the sarcasm or jokes about them. I dream that one day I'll be able to understand what they're saying and even join in on wise conversations concerning books and authors. If I had to choose a different major it would be English, creative writing and/or photography. I want to go out and read all of the well-known books and read well-known author's novels. Sometimes I even get anxious that I'll die before I'm able to accomplish this. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not, haha. I don't want to miss out on a thing.

 What are some of your hidden passions? Or passions you've just recently discovered? I'm curious. Comment if you'd like.

My Addiction

Just so you know.


 I love Reeses more than anything.
Also, I find it amusing when I find a Reeses rapped in two black rappers instead of just one.

Instant Nostalgia

Polaroids.

I'm not sure I can say I miss them, can't say I don't. Thing is, I don't ever remember using one. I must have though because I remember them as a child. Honestly, I'm really sad we don't use them anymore. I love my new T2i so much but I'd love to have a polaroid camera. The pictures that come out of those things are astounding in their own way.

The pictures come out of those cameras instantly. The cameras have internal black "rooms," so to speak, that shoot out a gray sticky substance. Give it a few seconds and your picture comes to life! It's amazing! Even though the colors are very different in the polaroids, you can't say they are worse or better than colors we have now. It's almost like a different type of music. They can't be compared. Their both great. Polaroid pictures cannot be replaced and it makes me wish we still used them. Even if we had them as separate cameras from the new, expensive ones we have now. They stopped making them though so it's not as easy to keep them going. I think I own one polaroid picture and it is of a friend of mine in California. He was from Russia. He name is Artem. A fantastic memory to have posted on a polaroid! :D

Credit for this topic goes to: Britta Gervais

You're Worth A Thousand Words

A picture can speak a thousand words

Watching you from the other side of the room

My mind gathers thoughts that I assume

They fly around my head like soaring birds

My heart begins to race at the thought of your pain

Your eyes reflecting more light than usual

Due to the crying that has been continual

Every part of you unmoving like a strain

Nothing within you leads you to speak

Friends cannot understand the wreckage beneath

Your heart surrounded by a powerful sheath

One small blow, on your knees, you are weak

I can’t sit here and watch you fall apart

Can I share the pain in your heart?

You can’t do this alone

Walking swiftly into the unknown

You think vulnerability is your weakness

No one ever sees you cry

You think the best thing to do is die

You breathe carelessness

Winter has been your only friend

Icy breeze blowing inside you making you numb

What has the world let you become?

Twisting and contorting you into their bend

Your family is unavailable to tend to your needs

They have their own issues to fix

Taking it out on you with their sticks

Your heart bleeds and bleeds

I stand here and watch you slowly fade away

You don’t want to live another day

You’d rather lay there and die

Not even giving hope a try

I slowly begin to step back

Knowing there is nothing I can do

The emotions inside me spew

Tears surround me, I am drowning

What’s worse than knowing a friend is broken

Is knowing they’ve given up

That you aren’t enough to help them through

That there’s nothing you can do

Like watching the agony through a glass wall

Unable to pry through to save their life

You just scream and pry and squall

Sharp pains stabbing inside like a knife

Nothing you say can get through to them

So you just watch...

watch a picture worth a thousand words

unfold and burn away before your eyes

Hidden Views

Feeling stuck to this dark table. A book, phone and chapstick linger close by to this thirteen inch Macbook. I look past four friends who have been exchanging words of various sorts. Laughing and drinking the water-soaked coffee grinds that hard-working baristas have created. Locals we call em'. Beyond them, a wall sized glass barrier to the outside world. Automobiles, log trucks and fermented beverage trucks pass by restaurants with after hour bars, vintage shops containing old jewelry and someone's old valuables, as well as other small businesses.

It's fairly simple to veer past these images into a world unseen. My internal thoughts which are currently being bombarded with musical lyrics that contradict my actual emotions. A beautiful contradiction and annoying epiphany.

Coffee shops bring about the most unique of people. Theater majors hug the glass barrier, left alone to their imaginations and monologues. A middle-aged man with black glasses sits near a tall lamp to a wall near the back. He is focused on a stack of just-printed pieces of paper filled with words of entertainment, or rather words of enlightenment.  There are two women of unimportant ages sitting behind me. I am unsure of their conversation but it seems to be filled with hurry, frustration and friendly advice. Their voices ring out an echo of low tones through the open spaces of these headphones. I can feel their words fly into my back with a forceful strength, reminding me of the hairs sticking up on my arms, like soldiers halting in a formed line with their guns straight in the air.

Engrossment fills my ever-wandering mind, enjoying the contemplation of other people's lives. Where were they born, what amazing or mind-altering experiences got them here, what emotions created the personalities they uphold and maintain, or why they chose to come into this local coffee shop today. We all have a story enveloped inside of us. These stories can impact our lives in ways we never would imagine. Stories of hope and understanding. One time I met a man named, Talden. He was your ordinary change collecting, homeless man. The kind you meet walking on a busy downtown street in a bustling city. He had peppered hair and a long, red beard.

On a warm, sunny day, I asked this very man to take a stroll with me. He politely accepted. We walked past several people downtown as they watched us walk side-by-side into the city park. I sat down on a black, two person, park bench. With a suspicious look, he looked around the park, then at me, but did not sit down. "You can sit here, it's alright," I said. Slowly, he placed his glove covered, dirt stained hands, onto the bench and lowered himself into the metal barred seat.

........TO BE CONTINUED

My Heart Beats Faster Than Yours

So many things have happened in the past few days. It's been pretty crazy, fantastic. It was something that seemed like it came straight out of a movie. Intense.

Aside from all of that, today we learned about the heart some more. I want to share with you some insight into that. There is this hole in the heart between the right and left atrium. Don't worry about what those are in case you don't know, lol. This hole is supposed to close at the first breathe of a newborn baby. As adults,  that hole has already closed. It is used in utero for a specific purpose. The hole was there because it helped the blood leak straight into the rest of the body instead of the lungs because a baby doesn't have to use its lungs yet. The first breath closes the hole, so the blood can immediately rush into the lungs to be oxygenated.

When I think about little things like this and how there are so many different aspects about our body that work out perfectly and purposefully, there has to be some "being" out there that created it. I just can't believe that two rocks collided to make the world we live in. Of course, everyone has their own opinions and I'm totally open to hearing other people's thoughts about the complexities of life. This is just something I thought I'd share with whoever reads this so you have more insight into the human body and how AWESOME it is!!!

Will You Remember Me As Much As I'll Remember You?

Last week, I had an eye appointment. It's never something I look forward to. I don't hate it, I just don't like having to buy a new pair of glasses. I can't seem to ever find a pair that I really like. Fortunately, I had an amazing woman help me out by just grabbing the perfect 2 pairs. I was amazed at how well she did that. I came to find out she has been working in the optometrist field for over twenty years.

Now I'm really excited to be getting my new glasses. I bought two pairs. One is just my everyday pair and the other are some really eccentric, plastic, dark purple pairs.

There's something new that I'd really like to delve into. I've never had an attachment to my glasses. I've always just given them up and never looked back. This time I plan on trying to remember all the great memories and visions I've had/seen with them. Hopefully I'll remember some really great ones and look forward to the new ones I'll make with the pair that have yet to come :D

Yay for change and new things!!!

Actually, My Two Year Old Made This

Do you ever look at art and think, what is it about this art that I'm not getting? You don't really see the "art" in it so you try to make up reasons why it must be this amazing piece. Cause sometimes people sell art pieces for so much money and it's just a white canvas with like a red dot in the middle of it. You're thinking, a two year old could have made this, what's the big deal?

Maybe that's the way art is supposed to be. That anything is art, it's just a matter of interpretation. The artist has an underlying meaning for the art but in it's entirety, it's the audience's choice as to what it means or says. Music is pretty much the same way.

I really love that. It makes it more fun to share opinions with other people. I don't think art should be confined to one interpretation. Life shouldn't be confined to one interpretation. People shouldn't be confined to one interpretation.

One of my older poems.....

How is it that someone can influence the way you feel

You can't go a day without wondering where they are or what their doing

You get jealous of the time other people steal

I can't even breath without it hurting

oh, the sensation of burning in my heart

constant love converting

Don't even come near me because I can't stand

I stumble when I just think of your smile

After you, even food is bland

There's nothing that compares

And it hurts to be away from you

Knowing where you are makes me want to have an excuse to go 

But the obsession is out of control

I'll do everything in my will to take this slow

even when the small parts of you make me whole

I can't even write this note without crushing you more

oh my bones and my muscles are weak and sore

Don't turn your back on me, you must begin to see

That I'm unable to live with or without you

My chest is caving in and my words don't even rhyme

I'm scared that you're leaving and I won't have enough time

Oh, I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all

but I'd rather have you than no one at all

How can you have such an influence

I feel full of arrogance

I don't even need to know your name

and I'd still feel the same

How can a mere human being

Change your thoughts within minutes

I can easily forget the important things I have to do

but I'm on top of it when it comes to you

I'm Winging It

We all have different things we look for in a friend. We all have different friends.
So how do you know if you're being a good friend? There are obvious characteristics of friends you don't tend to look for. An example would be people who like to lie or get into a lot of trouble. Friends that you've watched backstab other people, etc.

But for the friends you do love very much, how do you know you're being a great friend or if there are areas you need to change? Usually, my friends will tell me where I'm lacking or the areas they need me that I may not be noticing they need my help in. Yet, sometimes friends don't tell you anything for a fear they may be the problem instead or that they shouldn't expect so much from you. It could just be that they have a hard time communicating.

Yet, what about someone new that you meet? Should you add them as a friend on fbk or wait till you meet again? Do you ask to hang out one on one or as a group? How do you know when asking questions is too much or not enough? Do you wait for them to initiate or do you? Then when you have your first disagreement do you keep your comments to yourself or speak your mind? Because if you disagree, they may not want to be your friend "as much," but if you just keep your mouth shut, you're safe. When is a joke too much?

A friend is so many things and cannot be defined by anyone but YOU. We all have different needs and we look for different people. I just hate the fact that we have to monitor our feelings or thoughts depending on certain people, our insecurities and our fears of losing them as friends or losing them as new friends. Is there an answer to this question? or do we just wing it?