Looking For Warmth

We tend to have days where we make major decisions that hurt us and other people. Sometimes these decisions make us take a step back and review our selves. We can be very self criticizing and I fully understand that because I've done it before. It's a way to cope but also very unhealthy.

Over the years, I've had people come to me saying how terrible they are and that nothing good ever comes from what they do. That they are not worthy of praises and that they'll never change. That no one will ever appreciate them and so they need to push people away. In the past, I thought of reasons why I would say things like that to my friends. I would say them because I was looking for encouragement and for them to tell me that what I was believing were lies. I needed outside help. That's what I expected, but even after someone tried to give me hope and encouragement, I still pushed what they said away and kept talking negatively about myself. I think a part of the reason I did that was because no matter what people said, I still didn't believe in myself, so how could I believe them?

Over the years, I've come to accept who I am and have hope and confidence in myself. I have tendencies to be negative but for the most part, I am an optimistic person. If I have a friend come to me saying negative things about themselves (asking/looking for approval and encouragement), I give them as much positive words as I can. If they keep pushing what I'm saying away and aren't believing in themselves then I quit trying. I quit trying because I know deep down there is nothing I can say that will change their mind. It's their own thoughts that will change how they feel about themselves. Sometimes I wonder if quitting is the best idea because sometimes people want you to climb up the wall they put up. Almost like a test. And if you push long enough, they'll come through. But I'm no longer willing to do that because in the end, I can't change how people feel about themselves. Only they can.

It's like when someone is having a hard time in life and a relationship comes along. They are all of a sudden "better." Their problems disappear. They think it's all because of this person they're with now but soon enough, these problems are going to start creeping up again because you can't hide from your problems. People tend to move to different states to escape people and issues but they always follow. Even if we're in a relationship, we are still going to get jealous and we're still going to have insecurities.

I will do what I can to encourage people but I'm not going to sit down and pamper someone who comes up to me asking for help and then refuse it when I give it.

Down & Out

What a fantastic day compared to yesterday! Take it to heart when people say "there's always another day." It's true, it's true!

This morning I went to Putnam Middle School and did scoliosis screenings on the kids. It was kinda scary at first thinking about how to say "please, take of your shirt and bend over." It wasn't as bad as I thought. I remember doing them in middle school and high school. I just don't remember how I felt about them. A repressed memory?? haha, jk.

I had my "meeting" today which was SO hard. It always gets harder but easier at the same time. It's invigorating. I always leave with a challenge. : )

I also had a one-on-one date with Mary Butker. What a joy. I love that girl. I don't think she knows the influence she's had on me. I am so thankful for her.

Now to watch more Dexter in my favorite place and then acoustic night.....AHHHH great day!!!!!!

<3 <3 <3

LUPE!!

Ghosts In My Halls

I've had blackbird mostly to myself this week. The only people coming in were families and older people. It was quite nice seeing adults come in here and hang out. It felt as though I had extra space to think. No distractions (besides a few guys here and there :p).

Now that there are people back from SB and hanging out in BB, I can't concentrate as well. It's like all their energies are distracting my own. I haven't had to consciously push them away for a week.

It's just funny to me how a room full of people can make me feel uneasy. I can't even understand why besides the fact I know it deals with all this stimulus. Oh well, back to studying for that test tomorrow...eek

Everyone hides who they are at least some of the time. Sometimes you burry that part of yourself so deeply that you have to be reminded it's there at all. And sometimes you want to forget who you are all together.

I should be graduating in 42 days but alas, I am behind. One summer class and my practicum at home next semester, then I'll be a college graduate. I don't think I'm ready for the real world. Who's ever ready for that? Then again, I'm stoked.

~~ So much for this post :\

HIV

I'm currently reading about HIV and at the end of the section, it talks about the emotional feelings of the patient/clients. It talked about the different ways that parents cope, etc. The thing that caught me off guard was the child infected with HIV from their parent.

These children don't know their diagnosis. They just think they're constantly "sick." At what age or time point would you tell your child that you gave them HIV? As a parent, I would feel extreme guilt and feel terrible. I wouldn't want to tell my child that I gave that to them. After awhile, you have to tell your child what happened. So when would you tell your child? 6 years old? 12?

It's a really unfortunate situation. Would you keep yourself from getting pregnant to keep the illness from your child? Or do you accept the fact that even a child with HIV has a right to live and is just as equal and important as any other child? Just something to think about.

When I encounter this situation one day, I hope now I'll have more of an understanding of the situation.

TEGAN & SARA

No comment required.

She's really good!

In Case You Didn't Know the Difference

POLYAMORY

POLYGAMY

" If my grandchildren come out short and stubby we'll know why. It's those pants. He paid more than $100 for those girl pants!!" - Break Upward (movie)

Re-post: Earth Rotating Too Fast?

I'm adding to the previous post. About doing things in a half-caring manner. Well, this week I've done a lot of that. One incident in particular.

There are a few things that happened this week that totally changed my mindset about life and what I think and feel about it. I don't want to say what they are because I don't think people will like it and I don't think many will understand.

I just felt like writing that out. Thanks for reading it despite it's hidden mysteries.

This is pretty cool. These guys are so odd though, haha. I love this stuff.

Is the Earth Rotating Too Fast?

I think my life is off kilter with the rest of the world. Things are happening that shouldn't be happening. Stories are being created that are extremely opposite of my usual stories. It's just a constant...."wait, what?!" running through my mind. CONSTANTLY.

Almost like an awkward, what do I do what that? I've been going with the flow a lot lately and it's been really, really good but has caused me to kinda just let things fly and I'm not so sure that's a good thing but not so sure it's a bad thing either.

Chaos. Woah.

To Give or Not To Give, That Is the Question

A couple of days ago, Jay came up to me and asked for some "change." I usually say I don't have any because honestly, I don't carry change but also because I know he lives with his mother and I know he could be saving his money instead of just spending it. Actually, I don't know what he does with his money. He could give it to his mom. Who knows...but I just feel like after all the years he's been on the streets, he needs to start trying to take the opportunities he has to work. He knows everyone in Milledgeville and people have given him that option. So I just don't want to be handing him money all the time.

This time though, I gave him about 3 bucks. I didn't even think about it, I was just like sure, heck, why not? Maybe it was because I was in a really good mood. Anyway, ever since then, he's been coming to me for money thinking that just because I gave him the 3 bucks the other day that I'll keep giving him money. I'm too good for that and I'm not afraid to tell him no.

He just came up to me and asked me for change and I said I didn't have any. Then he came into Blackbird five minutes later and asked me to buy him a cookie and I said, no. The thing is, I want to give him money and buy him food so bad but because I know he'll get it from someone else and because I know he's not going to save it, I don't want to do that for him. I also don't want him to expect me to give him change every time he asks. It hurts to say no to him but I have to do it. I couldn't imagine how different it would be if it was my family member constantly coming to me asking for change if they were homeless.

There was a time I went home to CA to see my dad and he has a smoking problem. He pretty much begged me to buy him some cigarettes and at that point in my life they disgusted me and I hated seeing my dad so addicted to something like that. But because I loved him and understood his withdrawals, I gave in and bought them. Although, I've changed my ways since then, I won't do that now. He'll survive. Jay will survive too.

TACO HELL

I don't go to taco bell but once a year, maybe. It kinda grosses me out knowing that bad things happen there. When I pull up to the drive-thru, I don't feel so bad about eating the food because there are always other people there. It must be OKAY. In moderation of course. I think once a year is okay, haha.

I pulled up to the speaker and the guy said hey how are you doing today? I was surprised at such a question because usually you hear, "what do you want to eat." Especially from Taco Bell. So I said, "I'm great, how are you?" He said he was fine and asked for my order. I pulled up to the window and he gave me a good look and I kindly asked for 10 packets of mild sauce. He said, "I can do that for you." I waited a couple minutes and he handed me my bag while giving me this creepy wink. I wasn't sure whether to take that as, you're really pretty or I just put something nasty in your food...ENJOY!!

If I die, you have this as proof!! Now to finish studying and watch Atonement :D

LOVE THESE GUYS

- So how do you feel about being dead?

- Ugh, my neck hurts

I Never Learned My Lesson

"The preschool child who runs out into the street is at risk for being struck by a car. Teach preschoolers to stop at the curb and never go into the street without a grownup."

Now, take out preschooler and add "Natalie" and you get:
"NATALIE, who runs out into the street is at risk for being struck by a car. Teach NATALIE to stop at the curb and never go into the street without a grownup."

So when I was a child, I was put on one of those kid leashes. I used to run/walk across the street without looking. I guess I thought I was invincible because I did it daily and I never got hit. There were close moments but I'm still here. Even today, I walk across the street without looking and just expect people to stop for me if I'm in the middle of the street.

I guess I'll never learn! :D Muahaha

Not For Children

I'm not sure how I feel about this:

"Masturbation in the toddler often causes a great deal of discomfort to the parent. The parent should not draw attention to the activity, as that may increase its frequency. The parent should calmly explain to the toddler that this is an activity that may only be done in private (what??). If the toddler is masturbating excessively or refuses to stop when in public, then there may be additional stressors in the toddler's life that should be explored."

First of all, when would I ever tell my child to go masturbate in private? I know what their saying and all but shoot, I've never heard of toddlers doing this. TODDLERS! And if they started doing it in public, oh my gawd, I would die.

Thought you'd like to know. :p