Middle Ground

It's a hard life being a good friend. First of all, it's not an easy thing to do. To always be there for them, to treat them with the upmost respect, to make sure you help them when they are in need, to stop what you're doing to comfort them, to encourage them, etc. Once you actually have that down pack, your friends tend to just expect that of you because they wouldn't expect any less. If you're being a consistently good friend and screw up once, it's like you committed the worst crime in the world because they would never have expected that. That's why people who aren't religious get so upset at Christians because they think Christians are supposed to be perfect beings and when they fudge up, they are considered hypocritical. 


Now if you're the type of friend that doesn't meet really any of those expectations. Where people don't really consider you a friend but more of an acquaintance, your situation is different. At some point, people won't expect anything of you anymore and when you actually do-do something nice, kind or more friendly, it means the world because that's not what you would usually do. It has some exponentially higher meaning. 


Maybe I have to try being both so that nothing is expected of me and kind gestures are still considered meaningful. 

There's a Light At the End of Every Dark Tunnel

My father has smoked cigarettes all of my life. For the longest time I thought it was a nasty habit. I'm not sure if that was because I really believed it was or because that's what my other family members told me. As I've grown up, matured, changed, and become who I've wanted to be, my mindset has morphed into something I never imagined it would. As far as my dad's smoking goes, I've learned to see in a different light. To me I see love, art, imagination, pain, struggle, ease, peace, and many other things. I've been trying to find light in every dark place I see.


When I went to California this summer, I took a few *new* pictures of my father. Pictures of him smoking and the way I see it. My sister commented on them and said, "eew, gross." If she doesn't want to see the light in that darkness then that's fine. I know that I live a happier, more peaceful life, realizing what Lady Gaga said:

"If you don't have shadows, you're not standing in the light"

Through the years I've forgotten all the traumatic things that have happened in our lives, all of your failures as a father and all of the times I cried or couldn't cry from being so numb. Now, all I see is a man that I love unconditionally, a man I'm related to, a man that's just like me. A man who is me. 

I love you daddy.

El Club de Combate de Hormiga

Ha. As I was just thinking my first sentence out in my head, it was in Spanish. "Las hormigas......" 


Here's to a different style of writing *cheers* 


* What I think about when I think ANTS *


- They're small, but wise
- They are strong and do have an overseer, the queen ant, as opposed to what the Bible actually says about them
          Proverb 6:6-8

          6 Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! 
          7 It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, 
          8 yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. 

          Proverbs 30:24-25 (King James Version)

         24There be four things which are little (smallest) upon the earth, but they are exceeding wise: 
         25The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat (food) in the summer; 

Also, the Quran speaks of the ants as well:

         In Surah 27:16-19

         [16] And Solomon was David's heir. He said: "O ye people! We have been taught the speech of birds and

         on us has been bestowed (a little) of all things: this is indeed Grace Manifest (from Allah.)" 
         [17] And before Solomon were marshaled his hosts, of Jinns and men and birds, and they were all kept

         in order and ranks. 
         [18] At length, when they came to a (lowly) valley of ants, one of the ants said: "O ye ants get into 

         your habitations, lest Solomon and his hosts crush you (under foot) without knowing it."
         [19] So he smiled, amused at its speech; and he said: "O my Lord! so order me that I may be grateful

         for Thy favors, which Thou hast bestowed on me and on my parents, and that I may work the 

         righteousness that will please Thee: and admit me, by Thy Grace, to the ranks of Thy righteous

         Servants."

"King Solomon was given a special power by Allah. This power was the ability to hear and understand the communications of human beings, jinn, and animals. His kingdom was outstanding, and his army was dreadful. Even one foot from one of his soldiers would have been enough to squeeze an entire colony of vulnerable ants, but Solomon heard the appeal of those ants and was reminded of the favor that Allah had given him.

Interestingly, the Quran clearly indicates the female gender of workers ants-a fact that could not have been known when the Quran was revealed. The Quran is talking about feminine ant." (http://www.streetdirectory.com/travel_guide/105309/religion/what_do_the_bible_and_quran_say_about_the_ants.html)

- Ants can carry up to seven times their own weight! 

- Ants carry the dead ants back to the colony. Talk about respect and honor

- Ants are social, organized, loyal, and hardworking. Imagine how our economy would be if we had their work ethic and respect. Maybe we need a queen ant. Hence....female leader. Just a thought.

- My name must have been derived from ant. Think about it

- I think ants hold a really important secret that we as humans will never find. Even if we did, I don't think we'd understand

- I wonder how big we look to ants. It reminds me of the Xena episodes with the giants. Although, we are much bigger to ants than the giants were to humans. We all freak out about hurricanes and tornados but imagine if we had threats that humans were attacking us. I bet the highest cause of ant mortality is human stompings. The second cause being chemicals. 

- After an ant hill destruction, the whole community of ants comes out to attack and immediately start re-building their home! It's as if they have no fear. They even come up to us and walk all over us. I want fearlessness like the ant

* My Ant Stories *

- I highly enjoy seeing baby ants crawl on me. It's like watching a sideways colon (:) with a mustache run around on your body. Plus, I love miniature things. Baby ants are miniature to me so I get extremely ecstatic about seeing them

- Yes, when I was younger I did try to use my glasses as magnifying lenses to burn them with the suns rays. No, I've never actually killed one that way. I was too sympathetic to actually let it die that way. I have no problems killing ants (sorry, Lisa) but I've always had a terrible fear of dying by a fire or being burnt. I couldn't do that to a poor ant or anything for that matter. Now I'm going to be hypocritical in my next story because I killed ants with fire....haha. oops. 

- One day I came home to the famous Blue House that I lived in and there was Tyler Pearson, a guy that I've never been fond of, setting our grass on fire. I walked up to him and rudely asked him what the hell he was doing. He was putting gas on the huge ant hills that we had and setting them on fire to kill the ant colony. Because I love fire (how ironic?) I watched him do it and found complete excitement from it. I'm not really sure how I can tell you that I would never kill ants with fire but how I love watching an ant hill light up with flames. Sometimes I'm a walking contradiction but I'm being completely honest that I love it and I hate it. Guess it depends on my mood or the circumstance

- I love flicking ants

* My Imagination Running Wild *

- What would it taste like to roll up ants and smoke them? Maybe the effect would be less laziness

- Is there racism between the red and black ants?

- I wonder if ants go on dates at the top of their hills

- I'd love to have an ant adventure like the one in Honey I Shrunk the Kids. "Mommy, I want to ride the ant!!"

- They should create cocoa ant cereal. Could you imagine fake, chocolate looking ants in your cereal? nom, nom

- I've never understood ant farms. Considering the ant and it's simple, hardworking life, it seems like animal cruelty to me.  What do you feed ants in an ant farm?

- If there were ant tribes, I'd totally join them. It'd probably be the most successful tribe ever

- What would be an ants favorite music while working? I wonder if they whistle while they work

- If ants had down time, what would they do? 

- They eat human food. I wonder what their favorite human food is

- I wonder if ants die of broken hearts

- I would highly enjoy watching life size ants wrestle. Is that weird?

Just for fun. Sorry, I forgot it takes a mirror image of the photo. Alien Ant Farm, the band :)

     

I Traced the Stars and Nothing Happened

"What are you so afraid about? What are you so afraid of?" - TEB

For the most part of my life I thought I had everything somewhat figured out. I thought I knew everything that I wanted in my future and how it might go. I've had a pretty consistent view of my life since I was really young and it hasn't changed until the past few years. The world was right when they said that college is a place where you change and try to find yourself.

Although, at this point in my life, I feel like I'm forever going to be changing and no matter how hard I try to be consistent or live how I think my life should go, it won't happen that way. So for once in my life I have no expectations besides the ones I just naturally have. I'm not going out of my way to make things go a certain way. I'm not expecting them to go like they would in a movie, a book or how society says it should be. What a relief it is to finally feel this way. To just breathe....and only worry about breathing. The moment. The now or never. The tomorrow may never come. That I no longer have to live to please other people.

For once I can tell Fear that I don't care what happens in the future. I'm up for the challenge and I'm up for overcoming the fears. I don't think I'm alone in this either and it makes it even more exhilarating.

Here I am life. Bring it.

The Truth About My Art

I am no artist but I am an artist. I draw well and I draw poorly, but at least when I draw it comes straight through me; from my soul to my heart, then to my hands. Seems wrong to even use an eraser because then you're just erasing who you really are.

The Embers of Growth

Mouth agape with vocals vibrating, across the patio railing, whizzing past window sills, through childrens' ears, past cars and up into the air to be dispersed into vast nothingness. Everyone hears the melody of pitches, but nobody opens their hearts to listen to the echos of pain.

Salty tears make large, looking glass puddles. Words fall out like broken puzzle pieces waiting to be put together. Hands writhe and wriggle, wandering passionately through the air, expressing their emotions through dance. Eyes quickly peek at this distant motion due to peripheral vision. Being so acquainted with such movements, the eyes look away at other musings. So easily conformed to the tragedies of this world, our hearts no longer breathe empathy, but breathe out carelessness.

Attached to our feet are immortal shadows. If you see no shadow, you are not standing in the light. For we all have gray beings that follow us about...taunting us, making us vulnerable in the daylight. When nightfall arrives, our lives entangle inside old buildings, hiding the true self that screams out loud through the thin, plastered walls. Screams, screams.....SCREAMS! Every voice yelling for understanding. Every voice quiet and pretending. Every face mashed with scars. Every voice looks away without grace. Compassion vanishes without a trace.

Aisle 9

It was exactly 6 am. I was overlooking the grocery store at Krogers. I tend to forget that grocery stores have an upstairs where they can see everything that's going on below. It was my second day at work and I was waiting around for someone to tell me what I should be doing.

I could see most aisles and loved the fact that no one could tell I was watching them. Not too many people came in the morning but for the most part, the only people who came into the store were the elderly women. Not a surprise at all. Then, I saw a couple men come in at different times. They were well groomed, showered, and well dressed. Not dressed as if they were going to work but dressed in casual clothes. And I thought to myself, what better way to meet good men but at the grocery store at 6 in the morning. I assume that anyone who gets up at this time has a good head on their shoulder. That they enjoy life and don't spend so much time stuck in the house. That maybe they tend to spend more time outside thinking about all the things to be thankful for. That obviously they weren't out partying hard last night. Maybe these are the more "ready to commit" men. More responsible and level headed.

Just a thought.

The Long Journey Home

You never know where life is going to take you. You never know if you'll actually make it out alive or not. When you accidentally go down the wrong path, you'll run into potholes, sticks, stones and other hurt people along the way. Some of us are prepared and some of us never cope enough to actually finish the path. Somehow along this journey we grow, get stronger, and change. The more emotions and hardships our hearts endure, the more strength that develops. What an interesting concept...but even Jesus said, 'Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.'

At times I find myself pitying those who are going through trying times. Yet, those are the very people who are learning to be stronger than I am. They are the people who will reach their destination and help others fight through battles till they too become warriors. Maybe that's why God wants us to rejoice in our sufferings, to not carry others burdens, because it doesn't give us strength at all.

I've been walking down a narrow path. A path chosen for me. I've been battling Finances, a Broken Heart, Change, Stress, and Failure. There is more to the list but that is not the point. The point is that I am hurt, frustrated, sad, happy, angry, and fascinated. I believe this is the path I should be on. I believe in strength, hope and perseverance. I believe. As emotional as this time is for me, it makes me relieved to know that I'll make it out alive and I'll be tougher than before. I humbled kind of tough.

I've always been the type to love change and enjoy learning new things. This is a time in my life where I've learned so many things I can't even begin to explain what they are or how I learned them. When I finally reach my destination, I hope God uses me to encourage and help someone else in their time of need. For now, I'll be trusting in the Lord and His promises for me. I'll walk the narrow path and fight for my future.

OH HI!

I plan on returning to my wonderful blog life soon. Just a heads up :) Enjoy college.

A Faint Tic

Mouths duct taped

Voices locked deep

Solely feet apart

Culprit: unnecessary pain

Flowers bloom, die away

Heat rises through the day

First memories never forgotten

Souls connected, never broken

I can always feel you there

A connection we'll always share

Weight holding me down

Time ticks, ticks, its sound

Begins and ends the same

Healer, it's other name

Vapor in the night

Coming for us both

Freight and fight

Till the morning light

Will We Ever Learn?

I'm singing another sad song America
"Haters are gonna hate"
"My father drank himself away"
and "what's my happy ending"


Sometimes we never find the truth
But the words in our songs are true to us
Our somber words leak from our hearts
If it's true for you, you'll feel a change
And now I'm singing another sad song


History repeats itself, repeats itself
We live torn between what we want
What we think we want
What we need, what we think we need
How to love, who to love, what's love
What's true and what's real, what's not


What's true for you might not be true for me
But what's true is that I walk a blinded path
Where nothing's right and nothing's wrong
Everything is wonderful and everything is a sad song


The world can never be a peaceful place
Because we never learn the truth

He does a great cover....haha

Tik Tok Cover by Jay Brannan

This is great :)

Words I Never Said by Lupe Fiasco

Lupe is awesome. Read the lyrics:


[Skylar Grey]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco]
I really think the war on terror is a bunch of bullshit
Just a poor excuse for you to use up all your bullets
How much money does it take to really make a full clip
9/11 building 7 did they really pull it
Uhh, And a bunch of other cover ups
Your childs future was the first to go with budget cuts
If you think that hurts then, wait here comes the uppercut
The school was garbage in the first place, thats on the up and up
Keep you at the bottom but tease you with the uppercrust
You get it then they move you so you never keeping up enough
If you turn on TV all you see’s a bunch of “what the f-cks”
Dude is dating so and so blabbering bout such and such
And that aint Jersey Shore, homie thats the news
And these the same people that supposed to be telling us the truth
Limbaugh is a racist, Glenn Beck is a racist
Gaza strip was getting bombed, Obama didn’t say shit
Thats why I aint vote for him, next one either
I’ma part of the problem, my problem is I’m peaceful
And I believe in the people.

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 2]
Now you can say it aint our fault if we never heard it
But if we know better than we probably deserve it
Jihad is not a holy war, wheres that in the worship?
Murdering is not Islam!

And you are not observant
And you are not a muslim
Israel don’t take my side cause look how far you’ve pushed them
Walk with me into the ghetto, this where all the Kush went
Complain about the liquor store but what you drinking liquor for?
Complain about the gloom but when’d you pick a broom up?
Just listening to Pac aint gone make it stop
A rebel in your thoughts, aint gon make it halt
If you don’t become an actor you’ll never be a factor
Pills with million side effects
Take em when the pains felt
Wash them down with Diet soda!
Killin off your brain cells
Crooked banks around the World
Would gladly give a loan today
So if you ever miss payment
They can take your home away!

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said, never said
I can’t take back the words I never said

[Lupe Fiasco - Verse 3]
I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion thats why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through

[Skylar Grey - Chorus]
It’s so loud Inside my head
With words that I should have said!
As I drown in my regrets
I can’t take back the words I never said

What are the chances?

Yesterday, something crazy happened.

I'm not sure how often this happens but I'm pretty sure it's rare.

I've written about a person. Someone I don't know, I've just seen them and they inspired me to write about something. Months later, I was in a meeting somewhere over an hour away from where I originally saw them. They walked into the meeting and I noticed the one aspect about them that I had noticed the first time I saw them and I had to take a double take. How odd is it that someone you don't know, that you've written about, shows up in your life again and they have NO idea you know who they are. Kind of creepy but kind of meant to be?? yeah??

That's all. Sorry for being general. I'm unable to talk specifics : |


----- JUST SAW THEM AGAIN!! IN THE ORIGINAL PLACE---- woah : )

Won't fence me in

I agree

Pride & Joy

Pride & Joy
By: Brandi Carlile


Time of day I can't recall

The kind of thing that takes it's toll

Over years and over time

Over smiles and over wine

All in all it wasn't bad

All in all it wasn't good

But I still care

That's the problem with the days

They're never long enough to say

What it is you never said

All the books you never read

I throw myself into the wind

Hoping somebody will pick me up

And carry me again

Where are you now?

Do you let me down?

Do you make me grieve for you?

Do i make you proud?

Do you get me now?

Am i your pride and joy?

I believe this to be true

Nothing sacred nothing new

No one tells you when its time

There are no warnings only signs

And you know that you're alone

You're not a child anymore

But you're still scared

All your mountains turn to rocks

All your oceans turn to drops

They are nothing like you thought

Can't be something you are not

Life is not a looking glass

Don't get tangled in your past

Like i am learning not to

Where are you now?

Do you let me down?

Do you make me grieve for you?

Do I make you proud?

Do you get me now?

Am I your pride and joy?

This pretty much sums up the life I've been living. A life spent looking through the binoculars of my life. Constantly stuck in the past and feeling like I was never going to be able to live inside MY life again but instead, a life that other people would rather view through the looking glass. A life I would rather view through the looking glass. A life I'm no longer going to be looking at but living. A dangerous process but a healing one at that. It's going to be very difficult for me and very easy all at the same time. It will be a growing process until the day I die and I will live through a lot of hardship because of it, but it's better than the fake, unhappy, facade of a life I choose to show you.

Whats It Feel like, This Love We Speak Of?

I keep waiting for the day it no longer hurts
You'd think four years was enough time
I've done more than cope and adapt
But my scar reopens and spills out
Is this what love feels like?

Seventeen Years of Silence

Sleeping, living, loving, dying
I awake to the mating call of cicadas
A miraculous, odd, and unexpected existence
Humming in the distance
Attacking passerby's with one quick swoosh
An annoyance, pestering us all
But then the rain came and quieted the world
The cicadas died off and tears fell to the ground
A nuisance, now a loss

And the days keep passing by

And I have no evidence to show

But one day you will be mine
And I will be yours
Our love tightly wrapped between our fingers
And swiftly between our breaths
We will be like cicadas; living, loving, and dying
The world will watch as we disappear
Together all at once with no fear