This is Where the Word Nostalgia Came From

It's been a long time since you brought me here
I can't even remember why I came last time
Today, you beckoned me here again
The rain stopped and the place was open to just me

Walking onto the first few wooden planks of the park
Flashes of the last experience here came to mind;
Being caught in the pouring rain
Trying to find shelter under the wooden planks
Which only lead to leaky drops on my head
And a wet phone

Now I'm back to the same old seat
The red one. My favorite.
I throw my keys to the side and take a deep breath
I can see the mix of sun and shadow through my closed eyelids
Pushing off the dirt, the euphoria begins
A drug that begins it's effects right away
A drug with no side effects

Keeping my eyes closed I lose my breath
Waves of nausea fill my limp-less body
All the feelings rush to the surface
And I'm more aware of my age because the skin falls and lifts with every swing
The purest meditation

You knew you couldn't leave me there for long
And a voice came out through the wooden castle
Two young boys in matching black camo tshirts emerged
They just stood and stared until one said, "Hello!!"

With a smile, I said, "hello!"
In past times, an interruption like this would have caused frustration
Though today was marked with a feeling of joy and a new beginning

One of the twins yelled out, "What's your name?"
I responded and asked the same
One then proceeded to ask me a question that has been lingering within me for some time now....
"Are you a mommy?"
My brow lowered as I wondered what kind of four year old would ask such a question
"No, not yet," I answered

These two boys then joined me next to the swing
We talked of the holidays, batman, spiderman
Cars, starwars, who was going faster,
and who was going higher
Plus many other childish adventures

These young lads were being watched by their "opah"
The name they called their grandfather
He wore a hat and a belted blue jean
He didn't talk much but was enjoying himself

Then one of the boys took off and yelled, "come get me GIANT!!"
His grandfather got up and with a limp, chased this child around the park yard
He couldn't get that far before he had to begin walking again

What a blessing to be living around different generations
The young, the middle, and the older
It made me think of my father
Whom I hope will one day be the greatest grandfather to my children
He was a great father to us as kids
The best play toy around
Irreplaceable

I ran my feet across the pieces of wood chunks on the ground
Slowed my pace to a full stop
The boy still swinging next to me says, "Are you leaving?"
"I think so," I said. As if hoping he would ask me to stay and keep being a child with him
But I knew it was time to grow up and keep walking

So I said my goodbyes and walked off the wooden planks to the black cement
Key to the silver hole in my black truck
I entered with the new scent of my air freshener
Looked in the rear view mirror and said goodbye one more time
and drove away with a peace I can never describe

It's been some time since you've brought me here
Nothing will stop you, rain or shine
You will always meet me in this place
And I will never be the same

I think I've repeated your name in my head a thousand times 

Come On Skinny Love

My soles are stuck to the ground
Can't move a single inch
An immovable object
But my heart is being pushed by the force of a tornado
It can average about 200 mph

"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?"
I'm about to find out

Time has had control the past few weeks
There's no where to go and no way to escape
To exist and disappear all at once
My shoes are glued to this cement

Who starts a conversation with goodbye?
This isn't what I expected
I'd hoped I would have met you before this
This day, this time, this-this

I will find pieces of you in her
Like a child learning new things about the world
You're presence will always be there
Your face can be found in the shadows of her face
Our joy will be yours to look upon

But for now, I'm an immovable object
Feeling this force get stronger
Waiting to be lifted off the ground
Will I make it out in one piece?
My soles are stuck to this ground

Story of My Life

Flip. Flip. Flip.

Flipping pages
Back and forth
Forward, backwards
Future, past

Do I keep turning pages
Or stop here, intact

Fear of what may come
Fear of what may not
Fear

Flip. flip. stop.

Im aware of the beginning
Blank pages at the end
Keeps my head spinning
The words seem to blend

Flip. flip. flip.....STOP.

...a new chapter

Forever and Ever, and Ever and Ever

Tomorrow's the day they burry you away
Many expressions, no words to say
Is that why funerals are so quiet
You're gone and I can't deny it
Maybe it was your time to go
But the knowledge of death we don't know
Never been explained
These days are just stained
Do I allow myself to believe you're in a better place
Hide these tears and face the Grace
Or just believe that you're gone without a trace
No body, no soul, no face?

She breaks like thin ice
You're old voicemails just don't suffice
When tears were meant to heal
They only remind of how you were real
How long until she regains control
Never again will she be whole
But changed inside and out
Beyond any doubt

Will you send a message from above
Something with a dove?
I'd like to remember you with peace
A sweet release

Tomorrow they burry you away
I don't know what to say
But I'll believe you're somewhere safe
You're body gone without a trace
But alive and well with a soul and a face

Everybody is a genius. but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its entire life believing that its stupid

Shake the Limbs

Gentle walks the roused eyes

Forces affix together in alliance

Within the terminal power source

Whereupon love is never compliant

The forces take cover and retaliate

Against "these feelings"

Excruciating, persevering thoughts initiate

Forces fight with bitter strength

Bitterness churns into anger

Screaming, biting, yelling

Nothing, no nothing can defeat Love

For Love conquers it all

Worms its way past barriers

Past our forces

Into our centers...power sources...souls

A moment

It crashes in without warning

It lives, breathes, sustains, flourishes

A moment

A painful wreckage

Or a faithful friend

A moment

Fixed. Moving. Shaping. Growing. Gone.

Synapses harness them for future reference

Forces decide: fight and disguise, the heart shys, the heart dies, or the heart tries
Gentle walks the sleepless eyes

Bluebells - Will Stratton

sooo good

... and I digress

Read My Lips

We all do it.

You're driving in your car and a song comes on and you only know half the words, but you pretend to sing the whole thing, knowing your friend won't notice you really don't know the words. Yet, if you had a deaf friend, you couldn't get away with that. Cause most likely they'd know how to read lips, lol.

Winter Heat

I loved you

Never in love with you

Knew I could be

Still do

Wasn’t meant to be

But it could have been

Didn’t feel free

A dolphin with one fin

I don’t regret a thing

I regret it all

Made me want to sing

Made me want to fall

Opened my eyes

Closed my eyes

Absolutely no lies

So many cries

I walk in contradiction

This life is fiction

A dream within a dream

Reality isn’t what it seems

I will love again

I will never love at all

I will live in fear

Will I ever live at all?

Exploring the Infinite Abyss

I'm having ONE OF THOSE DAYS:

 When you want to jump out of bed and take on the world
 When I find so much love in nature, I wish I knew how to share it with others
 Where I want to go out and help everyone
 I want to share my trials and tribulations and encourage others through theirs
 I want to soar through the sky
 I want to create and invent new thoughts and ideas, new projects
 I want to tell everyone I know how much they truly mean to me
....and more

These are also feelings I get when I drink good coffee : )

חדש בתחילת

White and glowing far above my reaching hands

Powdered material, touched but untouched

Has kept every promise and hence is my lover

Though your alluring beauty took that away

The first to notice it’s importance to me, was you

So I gathered up more selflessness and love then folded it in your hands

Falling asleep to the bright, goodnight, outside my window

Thoughts of you ruminated with the silhouettes of love on my wall

The love mixed together like the browns, reds, and yellows of fall

They fell, fast, they fall

Was it ever love at all?

Attempting to scrape them off the cold pavement

Finding myself striving to return them to their complacent home

Searching my hands for mere revival

Yet met with fear and bloody tears

Days were met with fewer and fewer colors

Till there was no leaf left

Only barren, lonely trees reminding me that life goes on

To allow the wind to pay it’s respects

Revealing my dark, silent silhouette

My love still yells for me from the black sky above

With it’s bright, perseverant light
Though my eyes no longer search for him
My lover still says, goodnight....goodnight

Just a dream within a dream

"you're going to be like this..... (forever)?" Though she never got to the "forever" part because half way through the question, she realized how rude it was to ask that. To ask that question would be like asking me if I would have brown eyes forever or if I was going to be white forever. As if it was a part of me that was easily changeable. Sure I could just "change" but I would be lying to everyone, especially myself and I couldn't live with that.

Distant Lover

I will leave like every time before
Nothing but dry, dead, green grass
The wind will pick up and fly
There's no reason to try

I've folded my clothes right this time
Used the bleach and the cleaner
Thick lines between you and I
Twenty feet of mysterious static

You're the perfect height
Energy always at full charge
Your favorite drink is a Dr. Pepper
Two week old, white paint, still streaks your hair
You smoke half a cigarette every time you light up
Have two beautiful children waiting at home
With the third now developing a nose, eyes and ears
And you sold your wedding ring only to buy it back

This is the way everything should be
No trace left behind
Was there ever even a trace at all?

I'll shut the door for the hundredth time
Only closing it slowly to breath in the last scent of memories
The sun will shine and the birds will still chirp
My hands will let go and the balloons will soar off into the sky
A celebration of an ending and a beginning to come

We are. We are.

They say. I say.
Stop thinking.
The loss of thought is ignorance and stupidity.
Don't feel.
The loss of feeling is numbness, pushing it down further.
Don't cry.
The loss of tears is vulnerability.
Don't frown.
The loss of a smile is an old, wrinkled face.
Be strong.
The loss of strength is weakness.
Don't love.
The loss of love is emptiness.
Be fake.
The loss of "being fake" is being real.
Don't be real.
The loss of "being real" is a false reality.
The loss of reality is psychosis.

Silhouette

You give me two choices:

I live the way I do and you see me as a monster

Or,

I can live the way you want and let the monster eat me up inside

BUT, I can live like I want to, and see myself as nothing but who I really am. Where some others would see me as a lover, instead of a monster, and I can get rid of the "monster" all together.

I choose MY CHOICE. You can see me however you want to cause what really matters is how I view myself.

I love this song

Talking Out Loud

   "No, it's not going to hurt. Don't be such a baby. Be a man!"..... "Yes, it will!! It's a boo-boo just like when I was a kid. I'd get in the shower and it'd burn like heck." Then I realized I was having a conversation .... with myself. No, this isn't the first time I've made this recognition. Although, it is the first time I've decided to dwell more on it's complexities, than usual. At one point, I even said, "Natalie and I aren't going to do that anymore." I said it in my head which almost made it three people.
   Why do we talk out loud in our minds? Why can I hear my voice when it's not being used literally? It's interesting how we can remember voices. When I think about certain people and things they've said or something they write me, I read it as they would say it. Their personalities are so evident in the way the speak. I really enjoy that. Though, I have my own voice in my head, which isn't actually my voice. It's the interpretation of my voice along with the echo inside my head. That's why when we actually hear ourselves through a video and wonder why we don't actually sound like we think we do, we get confused. When we talk, it causes a vibration in our head so we're actually hearing mixed sounds. You probably already knew that.
    I was just so flabbergasted by the thought of having a conversation with myself. How could I have contradicting opinions and views. How could I debate with myself? We do it everyday though, through the choices we make, etc. Technically, I don't necessarily believe in two opposing views, I'm just talking through the negative and positives of both. Maybe I do this more than others. I tend to side with both sides of any argument. I put myself in both shoes and find understand in both and a misunderstanding in both. Same as the good and bad in all things. It keeps me from getting upset as well. That's also probably why I'm the mediator in my family and sometimes my friends. It's quite entertaining to listen to myself argue with myself. I think it's great. It doesn't happen out loud that often though. Usually I don't even know I'm doing it. So today, it was extra obvious. Maybe it's all the vitamins I'm taking. I've been taking Ginkgo Biloba which helps more blood get to your brain, increasing the oxygenation to your brain and supposedly helping your memory. Thing is, there's actually no research to back up the memory part but from nursing school, I know that getting blood to your brain is a huge part of health, thinking, growing and healing of the brain.
    Did you know there are vitamins to lift your mood? Yep, go check 'em out. I've never used them, but if you are interested, they are there.

END.