I like the way you said "I love you" on the phone.
Maybe one day I'll be the one on the other end.

Till the Promise of Peace

It's funny.
I feel like your little kid again.
Waiting for you to come home even when you never did.
I've been checking my email constantly for the past two days.
Cause you have no money for a phone.
Which worries me.

It took me 22 years to finally be mad at you.
Only about a month to forgive you...again.
So here I am for the millionth time.
I'm holding an illusion of hope and promises.

I love you and I hate you.
I want you to write back, but it'd be better if you didn't.
When it comes to you, I'm still that same child.
The same child that waited for you on those many Christmas mornings but you never showed up.

There's one thing that brings me back to you.
The thought of losing you.

She lost her mother. I lost mine.
Though she can't find her mother like I can.
To find you, then lose you again.
That's all I ask.
Till the day one of us dies.

Another Reason Why We Work

You don't remind me of my father or my mother.

We Were Together for Nine Months

Fingerprints made of dirt and sin

Touch the fine lines within this wooden table

Attempting to feel your soul through a mysterious connection

Our genes are equal

For I am the babe of your womb

A mother is a mother

Yet the idea is not the same

Counting the quarters in my hand

The amount of silver layers equated to time

The time I'd spend wasting

While you spent them wasted

Your money turned me into an amazing Pool player

The sound of cracking pool balls and chalk rubbing on the end of a stick

Such beautiful musical notes turned into high pitched screams

The only memories I choose to remember

Using my senses to search for nothing

My ears unavailable

I don't listen for your voice or your words

Emptiness. 

Yet my dirty hands and sinful heart

Try and find you here

Sharp, thick, black lines in this wood

Slice through my skin

Time wasted

Your silver layers built into my filthy hands

What the Heck!

Before the fall of the Roman empire, Leviticus was written in the Bible as a form of public health laws.  Cleanliness and hygiene were important. Though, during the Middle Ages, Christianity had changed to an extent that "personal hygiene was not practiced, and as a consequence, an entirely different attitude toward the human body developed. Excessive care of the body, that is, man's earthly and mutable part, was unimportant in the Christian dualistic concept, which separated body from soul. For some Eastern churchman and holy men, living in filth was regarded as evidence of sanctity; cleanliness was thought to betoken pride, and filthiness humility."

And we wonder why people take the Bible as they want to. Why everyone seems to follow their own path. Nothing is clear.

Reading nutrition is so orgasmic right now!! So happy to be reading about it <3

There is no "somewhere else"

I found this written on a stranger's blog today:

Made Still -
It’s dangerous for me
To look at photography
Or watch nature shows
Because I start wanting,
Wanting a piece of that magic
And a slice of that beauty
I start wishing I could be there
To smell the wind
And feel very small
Or very large
As I take in the magic
And the beauty
Of nature and creation


... and I can't help but think she already lives in that "slice of beauty." It is here. It is now. A photo can be edited, distorted, to be "more beautiful," when in reality, the natural beauty is in her backyard. It is in her friends and family...it is in her fingertips, her skin.

To reach a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being an individual, or group must be able to identify and to realize aspirations, to satisfy needs, and to change or cope with the environment. Heath is therefore, seen as a resource for  everyday life, not he object of living. Health is a positive concept emphasizing social and personal resources, as well as physical capacities

I Do Love Contradictions

You've packed up your gear

Put on your helmet and your goggles

You step closer to the ledge

Your heart begins to race 

Thinking about the crazy stunt you're about to pull

You double check your parachute

Maybe a hundred times

You tell yourself to keep breathing

Keep breathing

A specific type of fear running through your veins

Along with excitement and adrenaline

You look around for encouragement

A push

You step back only to make a last decision of whether to jump or not

Forcefully, you push yourself to start running so you have no other option 

You're flying through the air thinking I did it, I did it

You land saying, let's do it again!

You want the fear, the nerves, the endorphins, the adrenaline

Over and over again.

An addiction

Wanting fear and excitement at the same time

It's crazy

Just crazy

The mind is a dangerous place
The heart can push you too far
The body can fail you
But the soul will live on

Music is better when we're in your car

Beauty Will Rise

I don't really like celebrating birthdays. I don't like celebrating birth... days.
What we do is celebrate our birth every year. I think there should be one special day for celebrating your birth... the day you were born. After that, you are re-born every single day, sometimes a few times a day. I don't see the importance of having people focus on you and give you gifts for something that happened years ago.

Our death is celebrated once. I feel like that's something that should be celebrated every year. It's the day that all your sorrows and tears are no more. When you did the best you could in life and you loved to the fullest. "You fought the good fight" as someone I know would say. Isn't that something worth celebrating? Over and over again?

Don't get me wrong, a birth is very important too. Though I feel as though it is a more selfish celebration. We don't deserve gifts for being born years ago. What is that teaching us? That we are special, sure. But isn't that what loving someone everyday is supposed to accomplish? Maybe I'd feel better about it if everyone in the world celebrated their birthdays on the same day. An all together inclusive thing because we are all alive and experiencing life.

There's really nothing wrong with birthdays. I would just rather not celebrate my birth every year with gifts. I celebrate the fact that I'm alive every single day of my life and I don't want a day to be focused on me for such an occasion. When I say celebrate someone's death every year, I mean that not as a specific day with gifts or a real party but more of a ...they lived a great life, I'm hopeful they are in a better place, and I'll be with them soon, kind of thing. A thought more so than an actual day of celebration. A way of letting go and remembering them.

Like most things in life, I am completely okay with people who find significance in birthdays and wish to celebrate them. I will continue to celebrate them for the rest of my life and do so with joy.

This is Where the Word Nostalgia Came From

It's been a long time since you brought me here
I can't even remember why I came last time
Today, you beckoned me here again
The rain stopped and the place was open to just me

Walking onto the first few wooden planks of the park
Flashes of the last experience here came to mind;
Being caught in the pouring rain
Trying to find shelter under the wooden planks
Which only lead to leaky drops on my head
And a wet phone

Now I'm back to the same old seat
The red one. My favorite.
I throw my keys to the side and take a deep breath
I can see the mix of sun and shadow through my closed eyelids
Pushing off the dirt, the euphoria begins
A drug that begins it's effects right away
A drug with no side effects

Keeping my eyes closed I lose my breath
Waves of nausea fill my limp-less body
All the feelings rush to the surface
And I'm more aware of my age because the skin falls and lifts with every swing
The purest meditation

You knew you couldn't leave me there for long
And a voice came out through the wooden castle
Two young boys in matching black camo tshirts emerged
They just stood and stared until one said, "Hello!!"

With a smile, I said, "hello!"
In past times, an interruption like this would have caused frustration
Though today was marked with a feeling of joy and a new beginning

One of the twins yelled out, "What's your name?"
I responded and asked the same
One then proceeded to ask me a question that has been lingering within me for some time now....
"Are you a mommy?"
My brow lowered as I wondered what kind of four year old would ask such a question
"No, not yet," I answered

These two boys then joined me next to the swing
We talked of the holidays, batman, spiderman
Cars, starwars, who was going faster,
and who was going higher
Plus many other childish adventures

These young lads were being watched by their "opah"
The name they called their grandfather
He wore a hat and a belted blue jean
He didn't talk much but was enjoying himself

Then one of the boys took off and yelled, "come get me GIANT!!"
His grandfather got up and with a limp, chased this child around the park yard
He couldn't get that far before he had to begin walking again

What a blessing to be living around different generations
The young, the middle, and the older
It made me think of my father
Whom I hope will one day be the greatest grandfather to my children
He was a great father to us as kids
The best play toy around
Irreplaceable

I ran my feet across the pieces of wood chunks on the ground
Slowed my pace to a full stop
The boy still swinging next to me says, "Are you leaving?"
"I think so," I said. As if hoping he would ask me to stay and keep being a child with him
But I knew it was time to grow up and keep walking

So I said my goodbyes and walked off the wooden planks to the black cement
Key to the silver hole in my black truck
I entered with the new scent of my air freshener
Looked in the rear view mirror and said goodbye one more time
and drove away with a peace I can never describe

It's been some time since you've brought me here
Nothing will stop you, rain or shine
You will always meet me in this place
And I will never be the same

I think I've repeated your name in my head a thousand times 

Come On Skinny Love

My soles are stuck to the ground
Can't move a single inch
An immovable object
But my heart is being pushed by the force of a tornado
It can average about 200 mph

"What happens when an unstoppable force meets an unmovable object?"
I'm about to find out

Time has had control the past few weeks
There's no where to go and no way to escape
To exist and disappear all at once
My shoes are glued to this cement

Who starts a conversation with goodbye?
This isn't what I expected
I'd hoped I would have met you before this
This day, this time, this-this

I will find pieces of you in her
Like a child learning new things about the world
You're presence will always be there
Your face can be found in the shadows of her face
Our joy will be yours to look upon

But for now, I'm an immovable object
Feeling this force get stronger
Waiting to be lifted off the ground
Will I make it out in one piece?
My soles are stuck to this ground

Story of My Life

Flip. Flip. Flip.

Flipping pages
Back and forth
Forward, backwards
Future, past

Do I keep turning pages
Or stop here, intact

Fear of what may come
Fear of what may not
Fear

Flip. flip. stop.

Im aware of the beginning
Blank pages at the end
Keeps my head spinning
The words seem to blend

Flip. flip. flip.....STOP.

...a new chapter

Forever and Ever, and Ever and Ever

Tomorrow's the day they burry you away
Many expressions, no words to say
Is that why funerals are so quiet
You're gone and I can't deny it
Maybe it was your time to go
But the knowledge of death we don't know
Never been explained
These days are just stained
Do I allow myself to believe you're in a better place
Hide these tears and face the Grace
Or just believe that you're gone without a trace
No body, no soul, no face?

She breaks like thin ice
You're old voicemails just don't suffice
When tears were meant to heal
They only remind of how you were real
How long until she regains control
Never again will she be whole
But changed inside and out
Beyond any doubt

Will you send a message from above
Something with a dove?
I'd like to remember you with peace
A sweet release

Tomorrow they burry you away
I don't know what to say
But I'll believe you're somewhere safe
You're body gone without a trace
But alive and well with a soul and a face

Everybody is a genius. but if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its entire life believing that its stupid

Shake the Limbs

Gentle walks the roused eyes

Forces affix together in alliance

Within the terminal power source

Whereupon love is never compliant

The forces take cover and retaliate

Against "these feelings"

Excruciating, persevering thoughts initiate

Forces fight with bitter strength

Bitterness churns into anger

Screaming, biting, yelling

Nothing, no nothing can defeat Love

For Love conquers it all

Worms its way past barriers

Past our forces

Into our centers...power sources...souls

A moment

It crashes in without warning

It lives, breathes, sustains, flourishes

A moment

A painful wreckage

Or a faithful friend

A moment

Fixed. Moving. Shaping. Growing. Gone.

Synapses harness them for future reference

Forces decide: fight and disguise, the heart shys, the heart dies, or the heart tries
Gentle walks the sleepless eyes

Bluebells - Will Stratton