Nostalgia

In the day by day collision

Called the art of growing up

There's an innocence we look for in the stars

To be taken back to younger days

When there was no giving up

On the people we held closest to our hearts

- Blue October: Razorblade

Do you ever meet a person and say to yourself, "I'll never give up on you, I'll never judge you, I'll never leave you?" Because you know you've given up on people before. Maybe because you felt like you could never get along with them, that you just didn't "connect", or they did something to stab you in the back. Or because you know people have given up on you and have left you behind on the side of the road as they drove off on their way to freedom and happiness with your OTHER friends. 

We've all been there. Some worse than others. It's pretty true when people say that what we hate in other people we hate in ourselves. I'd like to constantly remember that everyone needs to be loved, everyone is different and I can relate to anyone if I find the niche and give it time. We all have something in common. I want to give people the chance to be themselves and love them for it. I want people to do the same for me. Nobody's perfect. 

I love these lyrics which I took apart from the rest of the song because the rest didn't relate to what I wanted to say. I have been thinking about these things a bunch lately. About wishing for the innocence of youth or for not having many worries besides breaking your leg or getting in trouble for stealing gummy bears from the store. 

When friends were the people you lived by or went to school with. You never had a choice to who was your friend. You were friends with everyone for the most part. You were too young to worry about keeping or losing relationships. Boyfriends and girlfriends were really your best friends and there was no such thing as commitment or FOREVER. Your friends never expected anything from you. The secrets we kept buried were about the people we had little crushes on or the jokes we made about our friends behind their backs or the pranks we created but never did. 

I want to go back to the days when my dad would get upset because I had grass stains on my pants, when I ran to catch up to the ice cream man, and when I'd scooter everywhere because that was my only transportation. When I hated school but it was actually really easy. When kissing your friend was like the worst thing you could do. When the only thing you remember was the sun rising and the sun setting. Morning and night. Happiness and delight. 

Let's go back, but let's go forward. Let's not give up on each other, but we gave up on each other. I love you, but I don't love you. 

The Magnificent Body

This is going to be a short blog post. I may add another later for kicks and giggles but for now...

Today in my pediatrics class, we learned about the reflexes of an infant. Did you know that infants have a reflex call the extrusion reflex that makes them push solid objects/food out of their mouths until a certain month of living?

This reflex is basically the only thing we can go by for knowing when a child is ready to be eating solid foods or not. How amazing is that? It just doesn't make sense to me that science alone could do something like that. Babies have other reflexes that are protective reflexes: the parachute reflex or the rooting reflex.

The parachute reflex: when the baby is lifted of the ground and their head is pointed toward the ground, they lift their legs up in the back like their flying. It's almost like they do it to flip instead of hitting their heads.

The rooting reflex: When you brush anything on a newborns cheek, the automatically open their mouths and lean in that direction to suck. Of course, it is meant for breast-feeding.

Just step back for a moment and imagine all the amazing ways the body works and how almost every single one of us have these bodily functions but are still unique in so many different ways. That's cool : )

Why?

Why?

It interests me that we seem to always want to know why.
Why do people believe that?
Why is my order taking so long?
Why did this person all of a sudden stop talking to me, did I do something wrong?

It's a form of comfort knowing why things happen. Even in the simplest things like why your order took so dang long! You'd be okay if the waiter showed up and just said, "I'm sorry your order took so long," but you'd almost rather hear: "Sorry your order took so long, there were three orders ahead of yours." It's just settling to hear the truth.

Wanting to know the answer to "why" increases as the situations gets more complex. "Why did he break up with you?" "He said I just wasn't the right person for him." BUT WHY!? Even as children we ask, why? Why, mom? or even, why not?

Wanting to know the answer to "why" isn't a bad thing. I actually think it's a healing question that can help us figure out why things happen so we can grow and learn from them. Knowing why your food took so long helps you realize that it wasn't because you were being neglected but that other people had ordered before you. Knowing why your ex-bf really broke up with you can help you see some of the things in your life that maybe were hurting him or other people and leads to the discovery of things you can improve or change about yourself.

But "whys" can also hurt. Knowing the truth can be hurtful so sometimes we don't ask why. It's almost easier to just assume the best.

Are you wondering why I wrote this?

Being Placed In a Box

I've been in Blackbird since about 12:30pm. It is now 8:15pm.

A lot of people say I live here. Sometimes people say it so much that I wish I wasn't here all the time. I don't like the fact that people know where to find me if they need me. It stems from another aspect that I don't like very much, when people figure me out. I think everybody has a part of that in them. We all want to be unique but I want to be so unique that people say "I just can't get what your expression means," or "If I had to guess where you were right now, I'd have no clue," or get specific questions about me wrong because their always changing. I guess I don't really like consistency when it comes to my personality. I really LOVE change. Mostly for the good though. Change can be bad but I don't seem to like change in bad ways other than the fact I can't live in one place for more than a year without getting depressed about being there. I'm not really sure why.

For example, there was this one time that I told my friends I was pregnant and they didn't believe me (of course) but I hated the fact that they automatically assumed I wasn't, as if they knew me so well. I mean, I'm not a perfect person, I could have accidentally gotten pregnant. So I had this disgusting thought in my head to go out and get pregnant just to make their mouths a gape. It was a silly thought.

I just don't want to be put in a box and I don't want to put other people in a box. Another example: just because a person is religious and goes to church and reads their bible, does not mean that they won't get pregnant or that they won't be arrested, that they won't drink too much, or do drugs. This is why the stereotypical Christian is called hypocritical. We place people in this boxes with specific rules and expectations and we're let down. I don't want to do that and I don't want people to do it to me. This happens so much with everyone. The religious comment is just a good example of this.

The Man Outside My Window

I'm sure you know him. His name is Jay. You can catch him walking downtown everyday, wearing a maroon jacket, asking for money.  He has been doing this for longer than I've been here which accounts for about four years now. I just saw him and was inclined to write this.

This man. I've know him pretty well since about my sophomore year. I lived in the blue house across from Saga. He had talked to my friend, Suzy, who also lived with me there. She told me that he had moved to Milledgeville with the love of his life but that all fell apart for him and she no longer loved him. So he lost everything from depression and gave up on everything. I can't tell you for sure if this is a real story or if it's made up. One of the unfortunate things about talking to homeless people is not being able to believing what they say. But even if the story is true, it happened many years ago.

I also learned that although he roams the streets day and night, he lives with his mother in a home in Milledgeville. So technically he isn't homeless, he's just poor. The reason I write this though is because it saddens me to watch him collect money everyday from people when he has been given millions of opportunities to get a job or get out of poverty/homelessness. I've heard of people who are on the streets who get to the point where they would rather be homeless than actually have a home, job and money. Maybe that's how he feels, maybe not.

As you all know, I am at Blackbird everyday. So I take note to who he asks money from, how many times he walks by, etc. I've actually gotten to the point where I understand some of his tactics for collecting money. So, we all know who the locals are. Me for instance. He still asks me for money but he pretty much knows I won't give him any. For the non-locals, especially the people who come in for festivities in Milledgeville, are the ones he triggers. They have no clue that he does this everyday or that he probably makes more money than they do a day. It's easy for them to feel bad and feel like they need to help him out unlike me, who sees his day to day activities and his hopelessness.

He actually came into Blackbird the other day and was telling Chris that he wants to stop asking for money and actually get his own apartment. This was such a delight to hear. But knowing him so well makes it hard for me to believe he'll actually do it. I want to have faith in him and believe that what he says is really what he wants to do. I just watched him get a few bucks from a lady I've never seen before.

I know that no one can change over a night but I really, really, hope he chooses to change his lifestyle for the better. I worry about his health, physically and mentally. I've grown to really love him. So please be praying for him.

In case you were wondering why I no longer give him money: my friends and I used to always give him food. That's the only thing I will ever give him. Well food and love. I don't want to feel like the money I give him is going towards drugs or alcohol.

Clinical Instructor Update

I heart Mr. Mendyka even more now. Today we had skills lab from 8-4pm and his outfit today was awesome.  He was wearing a blue sweater from a university that he worked for. He explained that it was given to all of the employees instead of a raise, lol. He was also wearing white pants and his shoes, OH MY GOSH, his shoes. They were ohio state shoes!!!!!

Awesome, huh??!! he is so cool. 

He also had more valuable lessons to teach us today. He talked about the many, many fields of nursing that he's worked for. I can't even begin to tell you. Mostly ICU's from every field. He talked about the different areas that he got his education for, as well as his Ph.D. I'm not sure if he said he studied nursing anthropology but it was something of that sort. He worked in another country as a nurse taking care of Native Americans who had HIV/AIDS. How amazing is that?? He then talked about how that created his view of nursing and how we must become one or family so to say with the people we're around, whether it's in another country, or the hospital. Man, he is such a wise guy. I know I'll have more to say about him later. I'll keep you updated. :) 

Emotional Roller Coaster of a Day

I woke up in a lake house, took pictures of the lake and the sunrise. Emotion: Nostalgic, sad, upset

Class: from 8- 5 Emotions: sucked, tiring, upset, thoughtful, my clinical instructor is awesome!!!

Home: Long talk with roomie which brought on so many emotions and realizations. Emotions: Frustrated, enlightened, upset, sad, like a failure

Blackbird: Studying didn't go well. Improv. Studying. Emotions: Hungry, Surprised

Home: Just dance with 7 people!! while drinking some beer and wine :D Uploading videos. Emotions: excited, happy, rejuvenated,  and playful!! (I've only had 1 beer okay, jeez :p)

SLEEP IN!!!!!!!

Favorite Nursing Instructor

Last week I met my soon to be clinical instructor. His name is Mr. Mendyka. He seemed pretty cool but I had no idea how awesome he was until today. He taught class today and this is what came from it:

I came to realize that he has some outstanding views about nursing and the patient/nurse relationship. He's all about talking to the patient to get to know them and not just about getting the work you need to get done. He's very personable and today in class, he even walked up to a few of us during class when he asked a question to make it more one-on-one. When we would answer a question, he would ask our name, but he would also remember it and use it at other points in the class to show he wanted to get to know who we are as individuals.

The greatest thing of all is how hilarious he is. Now let me give you a picture of this wonderful man: Average height, white, male, with pepper-gray hair. He wore a purple button up shirt with a brown corduroy jacket with jeans and brown boots.

Some of my favorite quotes of his today were:
- His fashion 101 for nurses (not quoted perfectly): "Be careful what types of scrubs you wear. Imagine going into a confused patient's room wearing polka-dotted scrubs and having the patient vomit everywhere because the polka dots only made it worse"

- My favorite: "With confusion always comes some understanding" At this point, he was talking about treating confused patients and how they are just like everyone else. We should not neglect them just because they can't fully understand everything we're saying. But it's true, there must be some kind of understanding. Imagine if you were confused and no one talked to you because of it?

- "Don't assume that you can't do something, assume you CAN do something"

He owns 11 dogs, a horse and God only knows what else. Lastly, how cool is it that he has friends named Dot and Asa?? Plus, he's a great instructor!!

I'm so excited to work in the hospital with him. I feel like he and I are going to be great friends!

Abuse & Neglect

Today in class, we all had the pleasure of watching a video about abuse and neglect. I'm finding it harder and harder to listen to videos that describe such painful experiences. I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that I've heard all about abuse and that I'd rather not keep watching videos about it because their difficult to watch. Maybe it's because I'd rather be in denial about knowing how often it goes on because then I'm more likely to change my major to be a social worker. I just can't watch something like that and not want to change the world and everything about it. It's easier for me to stand back and pretend it's not going on. That sounds horrible, I know, but even as a nurse I'll be able to look out for abuse. It won't be as though I'm totally ignoring it all together.

Really, it's just about how passionate I am. If I care about something then I go full force. It's all or nothing. So it's hard for me to balance my passions and desires. I'm not in the place at the moment where I can go out and find kids who need help. That's not my job. Yet, it's hard for me to stand back and watch it all unfold before my eyes and this is why I can't watch videos like this anymore. Especially because I've been through things like that and I can't stand knowing there are other people out there who have it worse than I ever did.

I tend to carry other people's hurt and pain around. I've been really good lately about not doing that though. So kudos to me :D

There's something I must confess. Everyone does it but I'm choosing to change my mindset.

Sometimes I hear people giving their serious opinion about different issues in the world knowing fully well they have absolutely no experience with the topic they seem to know so much about. From experience, I have realized that there is no way for me to tell someone that I understand what they went through, what they do or don't do, etc. You can have some understanding of things but unless you've experiences it yourself, you have no way to really give an opinion on the subject. The opinions should be coming from the people who have felt the hurt, the pain, the struggle, the excitement, the joy, the high, etc from those experiences.

So here I am to tell you that although I think I know everything, I don't. I don't like people telling me or my friends they understand what we're going through when they themselves have absolutely no idea what their talking about, considering they have never once experienced what we have.

In conclusion, I apologize to anyone I've ever spoken to without prior knowledge or experience of what they've been through.

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.” - Paulo Coelho

Alexithymia

Difficulty describing feelings to others. An inability to express emotions or complex ideas to others.

This = ME.

Designed to Run Away

Writing a poem isn't as easy as watching autumn.

The leaves fall down in front of my face

Ants and insects covered without a trace.

The wind blowing through my fingers

The birds around me linger.

The thoughts attack my mind

Sorta the way it was designed.

I'd rather skip to summer

When these thoughts are farther.

Just come and sit with me

We can sit here gaily

Pretend all is well

Cause when I'm with you

No one can tell

I need a rescue.

We can throw grass at each other

Everything will be just chipper

Maybe for a moment

I can tease my mind

That it really doesn't

Have much to unwind

But it's like autumn

it comes and goes

right on time

like it was designed

- Natalie M. Wright

An End always marks a Beginning

It is currently January of 2011.

Purpose of this blog: To vomit.

To have followers or not to have followers; to follow or not to follow, that is the question.

Current activities: Nursing school (last year), Blackbird, exercising, new friends, renewal, and perseverance.

Recent purchase/life changing event: Canon T2i <3