Doing my research paper about Alzheimer's disease. The acknowledgement in the beginning says:

To ... , who, when memory failed,

never forgot how to see beauty

I love this.

Thankful

In the past, I believed I was more than enough for someone. That I had all or more of the qualities most people don't have. Thought I was someone who would always love more than everyone else. Assumed my compassion for people would be enough for the person I was with. I always assumed I was the best person to be in a relationship with. That others should be jealous they don't have me.

As I've embarked in this relationship, I find myself never feeling any of those things. I feel quite the opposite. "Enough", the word I can't seem to get out of my mind. Can I be enough for you? Do I have qualities that are different than other people? Better than other people? Can I love you more than anything? Will I be able to be there for you through the thick and thin?

You tell me I'm wonderful, that I'm great, that you think I'm pretty awesome. I don't respond because I don't believe it. You're right, I expect myself to be so much more. I know I'm capable of more and when I can't be that, I get myself down. Though, I know myself, and I know that you are better at me than a lot of things when it comes to a relationship. I know there will be days when I'll wake up and feel numb to the world and to you. Yet, you want to push through it and you want to stay here for me, because you think I'm worth it...and I can't appreciate that any more than I do.

They Welded Us Together

I could have just got up and left a few times

Grabbed all of my things and just pushed you away

There were enough fears to haunt my dreams

To just shut the door

I stuck through it because there was a voice

Not clear, but it echoed in everything I saw

The sky, the moon, the greens, the reds

The longer I grew in your presence,

the sharper it became

Those fears almost shut me down

Almost ripped me apart again

But your aroma wouldn't let me go

All the others weren't strong enough

Sometimes I sit thinking about your name before I met you

My inner voice said that you could possibly be the one

But what nonsense such a thing could be

So I told it to take a hike

Every time I allow the fears to invade my mind

I yell in the name of love

Love, Love, Love

A tornado swirls inside my head

and transformation begins

I think of you and how far we've come

It resides inside you

This love that draws me closer

and sometimes I still pull away

and then it brings me closer than before

Showing me that everything is safe

That you are mine and I am yours

Something about your soul I've never found in another

My mind will go this way, but you always bring me that way

I wonder what kind of power you behold

God has instilled in you an ability

Unlike any other

I think it was made for me

and I wonder if He gave it to you for life

or if it's just meant for now

The voice it speaks to me

In the warmth of the sun

In the creases of your smile

In the fears

Through the fears

With you

DADDY : )

These are a reminder of you. They make me feel like I'm right there beside you

Miss you, dad

Too Afraid to Love You

I'm going backwards through time at the speed of light
I'm yours, you're mine, two satellites
Not alone
No, we're not alone

A freeze-frame of your eye in the strobe light
Sweat dripping down from your brow, hold tight
Don't let go
Don't you let me go

And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible

Hands up in the air like we don't care
We're shooting deep into space
And the lasers split the dark
Cut right through the dark

It's just us, we ignore the crowd dancing
Fall to the floor
Beats in my heart
Put your hands on my heart

And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over
This is hardcore

Ooh and I'm gonna love you like
Like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible

And I never was smart with love
I let the bad ones in and the good ones go
But I'm gonna love you like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over
This is hardcore

Ooh and I'm gonna love you like
Like I've never been hurt before
I'm gonna love you like I'm indestructible
Your love is ultra magnetic and it's taking over
This is hardcore
And I'm indestructible

Five years time

I might not know you

Five years time

We might not speak

Oh, in five years time

We might not get along

In five years time

You might just prove me wrong

He responded with, "so it's like heroin? you take some and are like wow this is nice. Then you try to quit and say it's not right for me. Then you go back and it's even better than you remember it. You then convince yourself that it's not right for you and that you should stop doing it. But you can't keep yourself from getting near it and wanting it, so you've pretty much just lost yourself...yeah?"

I respond with, "yeah, guess you can put it that way, lol"

"Yes, it's the 22nd, but I don't know how old she'll be"


- Older than she should be on the outside and younger than she should be on the inside

What's Your Definition of "Home?"

Many people close their blinds at night, yet I pull them completely open. It allows me to fall asleep to my favorite light and wake up to the sun shining on my face. Which is the one feeling that makes me feel like "home." Not the feeling of being home, just a type of security and trust.

When I was younger, I took all of my naps near the window so that I could fall asleep to the warmth on my back. With the California weather, I took these kinds of naps fairly often. Naps were one of my favorite childhood past times. Yet there is a particular memory that ceases to fade.

During preschool, I was dropped off at a daycare. There were nature trails near it and we would all go as a group and the caregiver would take us for walks. We would see lizards and bunnies. The trail even had a specific smell that I find gets triggered at different moments in my life. I can remember it vividly. When we would return from our walk, we would lay our blankets out inside of the daycare to nap. I always chose the glass doors to the backyard because the sun shined straight through onto my heavenly napping place. Although, that wasn't my favorite part. My favorite part was being woken up by the tapping on the glass. Waking up in a state of vulnerability and comfort and seeing my father's smiling face just outside of the window. When my father smiles, it isn't just a smile, he smiles like a child who just received the best gift of his life, the gift he's always been asking for. An exaggerated excitement. I woke up to that every Monday-Friday until Kindergarden.

As I've gotten older, I've stopped intentionally taking my naps in the sun. So when I find myself waking up to the sun shining through the window and onto my face, it doesn't upset me, it wakes me up with the best feeling of "home" I could ever experience and it can never be replaced.

Time

I can't think of anyone better to care for you

But I can't be a replacement

Or the filler of a void

"Do not walk in front of me

I may not follow

Do not walk behind me

I may not lead

Walk beside me

And be my friend"

When the hole in your heart is full

An addition can be made

Like a cherry on top of your sundae

An extra special gift for your heart

As opposed to a substitute ingredient

Only one can satisfy

Only one can fill

Only one can make you whole again

The creator of life

The giver of all things

Ask and you shall recieve

You're Free in a Dark and Stormy Sea

Lying down, my back on my pillow,
Light-brown liquid hovers in my peripheral view
The aroma of dark roast coffee
It's home, a coral blue mug
I place it on my chest
It pulsates, rhythmically, and the light-brown waves toss back and forth
Reminding me that life is never smooth and calm
That my heart still beats and I must go on

Too Cool for School

I'm starting to remember the habits that school stress created in me. It's easy to compare a stress free eight months to the ADD, nail biting, unmotivated, procrastinating, anxiety sleep/dream habits that are creeping back into my daily breaths.