Footy Pajamas

"Intimacy involves care, and care involves kindness and treating someone well and making them feel like they are respected and important."


A new friend of mine sent this to me today (now yesterday). It's interesting, because she's someone who knows very little, but so much about me at the same time. And when someone who doesn't know what's going on in my life, sends me something that makes my mind rattle and have an epiphany, it boggles my mind. Almost destiny, if you believe in that kind of thing. I think it was destiny. I think she's a huge part of a healing process for me. Definitely not what I was expecting at all but then again, maybe not. Guess I'll see.


Anyway....


Intimacy. After looking up the definition, I realized I had always believe intimacy to have one definition. That it involved a sexual relationship. That was the intimate part, the sexual part, or any physical part. But when my friend stated it as something between friends, I though...no, I don't think I've ever heard of that. That's not okay. Friends don't do intimate things together unless their more than friends. I grew up with my father and we never talked about intimacy and when we would have bonding moments, they were not called intimate moments, but bonding bro moments. I didn't think intimacy was for anyone but two people who were in love. 


But the actual definition of INTIMATE:

adj.

1. Marked by close acquaintance, association, or familiarity.

2. Relating to or indicative of one's deepest nature: intimate prayers.

3. Essential; innermost: the intimate structure of matter.

4. Marked by informality and privacy: an intimate nightclub.

5. Very personal; private: an intimate letter.

6. Of or involved in a sexual relationship.

Definition of INTIMACY:

–noun, plural -cies.

1.

the state of being intimate.

2.

a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.

3.

a close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with japan.

That completely changes it's meaning for me. I know plenty of times I've had "intimate" moments or have had/have "intimate" friends. I'd say MOST of my friends are intimate friends. I'm just the type of person to have deep conversations which stem from deep experiences and if I can't share those with people, then they usually become acquaintances, rather than close friends. And as I've mentioned in prior blog posts that I am a very affectionate person, but I've had my moments lately where I haven't been affectionate at all. Although, lately all I've wanted to do was hold someone and be held. I kind of see it as a sign of weakness so I don't initiate it.....


Intimacy is basically an unconditional love. A comfortable place with someone that you have no worries about what you are going to say or do. You know that no matter what they'll love you and agree to disagree if they have to. And as my friend said, it builds the more you get to know someone. So much so that it can lead to physical affection. Affection, that is known to both partners, as "intimate," in a non-sexual manner. 


What's your take on intimacy? Do you view intimacy as something different? What times do you feel intimate? (PG please, lol :p)

Giving it up for lent...

Usually people give up what they love for lent...be it soda, chocolate, facebook, etc. If we're giving up things we love then why don't we give up LOVE, or happiness, or joy. How about that? Or are they just things that we love but shouldn't love. Maybe their more things that should be used in moderation? Love could be used in moderation in some cases...but happiness seems to have no moderation. So I'm not sure where I'm going with this. Eh, just a ramble.

Attractive

I've been told more than a few times lately how "attractive" I am. I'm not going to lie when I say it's a very uplifting word. I think all girls need to be told how attractive they really are.

Thanks guys! : )

I LOVE THIS VIDEO/SONG

Feeling "lost" again

Over the whole 22 year period of my life, I've had a lot of scars created inside. And today....

...I lost something internally. It's either missing or it's broken. Something's twisted or cracked. Maybe it ran away; for now or for good. But I can feel that it's gone. It feels right and it feels wrong.

Sometimes There is Never a Right Answer

An old memory just came to mind again. It was from at least four years ago. I was working at the Eckerds pharmacy back home. At some point I began talking to this woman who came into the store. We somehow got onto the topic of toilet paper. Which way we like the end piece to hang: front or back. You can't deny it, we ALL have a specific way we like to load the tissue.

The funny thing is, we got into an argument about it. To the point that other people in the store were getting uncomfortable. It started off with her saying that she liked the tissue to hang away from her, so the back.... like so:

http://media2.ct.yelpcdn.com/bphoto/_Y-XzYF4ZLTxGsrKwOfZqg/ms

I've always liked the toilet paper to face me because I've tried it the other way and it just doesn't work out for me. So I told her how I liked it. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive... her face was like:

http://www.thedarkalliance.co.uk/_images/shocked_face_final.gif

She began to explain that it is SO much easier to just pull the paper and rip it. Ten times easier then if you had the roll FACING YOU! I was like NO, because if you pull on it from the back, it just keeps rolling sometimes. It's hard than if you just grab the roll from the front and tear across. So here we are in the middle of an Eckerds store, with all the pharmacy employees watching, as we argued about easy access toilet paper directions. This lady was getting heated and as the calm person that I am, I just said whatever lady, and walked away.

It was awesome. lol. But I was seriously about to slap her. But hey, I've always believed...To each his own, right? right.

YES.

The Winter Holds a Bite We Never Felt Before

I like my horoscope today:


A sudden insight or intuition, perhaps even in the form of a precognitive dream or "psychic feeling" will come to you just in time to prevent an unpleasant situation today. You may have a strange encounter with a child who is wise beyond their years.


I'm not sure if what happened already today has anything to do with this horoscope. But I just looked at the horoscope so there was no way for it to be fake. 


Today, for clinicals, we went to a school to do vision and hearing screens. Many children stopped by my area and got tested for nearsightedness. Hilarious kids, quiet kids, happy kids, all kinds of kids. But about 3/4t hs of the way through, my teacher brought me a child around the age of 8. Not sure the exact age. She lipped the fact that he probably wasn't going to open his mouth. 


This wasn't the greatest news to hear considering the test I was doing was like a reading test. I place a card 14 in away from the child's face and see what they can read. They have to say out loud what it is they see. So, here I was looking at this small child wondering what it was that made him not want to speak. I just decided to do what I could to make him comfortable. 


He sat down in the small, blue, chair and looked at the ground. I said hey and asked him his name. He didn't respond but rather looked up at me with his small, puppy dog eyes, red and swollen and then looked back down at the floor. I changed my tactic by pointing out the colors on his shirt. I said, "hey, you're wearing a red shirt...is red your favorite color?" and he nodded his head, yes. I immediately realized what I had to do. I knew he wouldn't speak so instead, I just asked him if the number that he was trying to read was, say a 3? a 4? a 5? and he'd nod yes to the correct answer every time. So I was able to make sure he had good vision. At that moment, I felt really good. I honestly didn't want him to go. I wanted to spend more time with him. But he needed to go to the next station so I watched him walk across the room and I began to just cry.


 I tried to hold it in but my eyes just watered. At first I wasn't sure why I was crying. I've heard sad stories about people and have never cried unless it was a built up emotion like in movies. This time was so different. It was like I could feel his pain and I understood there was something wrong going on. The fact that I reached a part of him made me attached immediately. I wanted to keep being there for him. I watched my other nursing friends use the same tactic that I used to get him to do the other tests. It made me feel like I had done something so important...and I did. 


He finally left the classroom and I began to talk about him to the other girls and began to cry again. It was an unexplainable emotion that really got me thinking. I'm not sure where I'm going with the thoughts yet so I won't express them quite yet.

Your Time Won't Be Lost

Simmering heat
Bare feet, calloused souls
Onward to the new, you entered
Tiny, tragic, tempting
World closes
Creating a telescopic view of you
Marching and matching
Shoes unknown to us

Gathering around green grass
A memory, flash, a laugh
Musical musings of your mouth
Hands gather like clouds
Become lighting sounds
Eyes all enticed, focused on you

Distance: distracting, daunting
Energies get closer
Shadows entwine
Fingers, friction grinding fabric
Scraping nerves away

Green, gathering eyes, garble my mind
Words, a vapor
Catching them one at a time
Visions of far away places
LIfe, different, daring and dreamy

Magnetic connection challenging me
Time: ticking and towering
Your feet to the floor
Fingers softly through my hair
Again your vapor, name on paper
On to the new, nice to meet you

UGGGHHHHHHHHH.

I took this the other night....

COMMENT BELOW

I'm curious....why do you read my blog? Is it because you want to know what's going on in my life? Is it because you like the interesting topics that I write about? Is it because you want to get to know me and what I like? Is it cause you're bored?

I have this blog for YOU. For my family and friends. What is it you want to know?

I sit here thinking about what to write. I want to write something you'll read. So comment below, whether you're apart of blogger, or not. You're allowed to comment even if you don't have an account. What do you want to know? What do you want me to write about?

If you don't comment then you obviously don't care about what I write OR you're a creeper from some other country, haha.

Soo....

I may buzz my hair off this summer. Natalie Portman obviously looks good with it. I'm not doing it to look better. Just to do it.

Also, my friend Holly Shell has sort of inspired me to do it....

Bow Chicka Bow-wow

I haven't been blogging. Which means I haven't been thinking. Which means I've been super busy. This either means everything is going well or that everything is about to fall apart. That's usually how it goes.

I need to find time to think.

If You Are Wondering About My Cuddling Status

DEFINITION: To fondle in the arms; hug tenderly; to nestle, snuggle. 


As a young girl, middle school age, I didn't start the cuddling even though I was okay with it. The only time it would happen was if the other person came over and started cuddling with me. It was still something new to me. I was raised by my father growing up so there was no mommy to cuddle with and I didn't cuddle with my sister because we were always mad at each other. I hated hugging people and I would never, NEVER, say I loved them.


After middle school, I moved away from CA to live with my Aunt and Uncle in GA. They became my guardians. They were very loving and affectionate people. To an extent that was too much for me at first. They always wanted to hug me and I was just like back off. It kinda freaked me out. But as time went by, I realized they gave me a lot of the love and attention I never got in CA. After about 2 years with them, I started to really love hugging people and saying I love you to them all the time. One day I realized how much I had changed in that department. It was a good thing for the most part. I still didn't cuddle that much with people though.


Then in college, I cuddled with all my friends. It was a mutual thing and I never felt like I was intruding in their space.  I knew I was loved and welcome and they did too. So I did some snuggling here and there. Still gave tons of hugs and said a ton of I love yous ....sometimes too many. Around my junior year of college, some things in my life began to take hold. Some things I had left to rot in the back of my mind started growing again and destroyed a lot of strong parts of my life. My friends began to notice that I'd stay away from any form of affection. I had to reaffirm them all that it wasn't personal. I stopped telling people that I loved them and even when I wanted to give people hugs, I wouldn't. I'm slowly getting out of this place but I'm still there. There are people I'd like to hug but I don't unless they ask. Although I like cuddling, I don't like cuddling. If I tell you I love you, then I'm really comfortable with you. If I don't, it's not because I don't love you, it's just because I can't handle telling you yet. 


So that's part of my story on affection and where I am with that. 

Step On My Toes

I know forgiveness is a virtue but right now there is someone I should stay upset with and should dislike. I have a habit of letting things go easily and right now....it's not helping my case!!! ugh.

I hope this person treats me like s*** so I can move on.

I can keep other peoples secrets. Why I can't I keep my own....

Hi!! I haven't written anything in a while. I've got tons to write but need to sit down and think, which I haven't allowed myself to do. So just listen to this for now.... :D
I <3 you!