Switching Blogs

For those of you who actually follow my blog, including those who are from different countries or who don't actually know me, if you'd like to continue following my blog, email me so I can send you my new blog. I won't be using this one anymore.

email: natalie.wright@bobcats.gcsu.edu

Sincerely,

Natalie

Just a moment

I just want to hold you. Let you crawl into my arms and let go of everything you feel. No pain, stress, sorrow, no fears, no fights, no loss, no gain, no here, no there, no when, no where, no that, no this, nothing. Just lay weightless on my heart and hold my soft hands with your calloused hands. Just breathe positive in and negative out. Just sleep into my compassionate soul and be near me. Forget everything you ever knew about life and love and hell.

And when you feel better, you can leave again.

Maybe. I'll wash away.

"Maybe"

I don't wanna be the one to say goodbye
But I will, I will, I will
I don't wanna sit on the pavement while you fly
But I will, I will, oh yes I will

'Cause maybe in the future, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me

I don't wanna be the first to let it go
But I know, I know, I know
If you have the last hands that I want to hold
Then I know I've got to let them go

'Cause maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

I still feel you on the right side of the bed
And I still feel you in the blankets pulled over my head
But I'm gonna wash away, oh I'm gonna wash away
Everything till you come home to me

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back
In the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back around
Maybe in the future you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back

Oh, the only way to really know is to really let it go
Maybe you're gonna come back, you're gonna come back
You're gonna come back to me, you're gonna come back to me
You're gonna come back to me

My heart feels like it is slowly and painfully mining it's way out through my chest

I hope you don't read this blog anymore. If you are reading this, I can't apologize because it is my personal blog. But sometimes I can't help but get something out unless I write it down or yell it at the top of my lungs.

but...

I miss you more than I've ever missed anyone in my life. My body walks around numb waiting for a flame to ignite it's skin and wake me up. I'm still waiting...I'm still waiting.

I just watched this movie and I wonder how much you relate. It pulled at the deep strings of my heart and leaves me knowing that I'm still "stretching out those 8 minutes."

Moments

I'm fine.

Everything is wasted without you.

I'll still swing on.

Time goes slow.

Time moves fast.

The best was taken away.

The best is yet to come.

Forever.

Never.

Wallflower

" it's like when you're excited about a girl and you see a couple holding hands, and you feel so happy for them. And other times you see the same couple, an they make you so mad. And all you want is to feel happy for them because you know that if you do, then it means you're happy, too...I understand the end of that poem. And I never wanted to. You have to believe me."

Dose of the shakes

There is no one like you. You are perfect for me. You have imperfections but your imperfections are worth something to me. I have imperfections....was I perfect for you too? Am I still perfect for you?

I'm fighting for an abuser

You were the only man I've hated recently. How could I even care for you when I knew you were abusing your own wife. Although I fought for you the other day. I fought so hard that I had forgotten what you ever did to her. Even today, I fight for you.

Why?

Because I know she's making a terrible decision out of fear. Because I know how much she loves you despite the hell you both have put each other through. Somewhere in your relationship is a connection deeper than most ever obtain. For this, I can understand how you may be feeling and I will keep fighting for you...I will keep fighting for you...I will keep fighting for me.

Shine your light

My pedals still fall
One by one
I don't seem so tall
Pretend fun

The colors of me
Are imitation
A chameleon on a tree
Special situation

You tug on my leaves
And I'm swayed your direction
My soul grieves
Longing for lost connection

I immediately pull back
Regaining my strength
Strength I truly lack
Miniature length

My flower is not under a spell
My life is not like the beasts
This is earthly hell
So bring on the feasts

I will shine on
I'll shine my light
Till the dawn
Won't give up this fight

166

SONNETT 166 - William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove.

O, no! it is an ever fixed mark,

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wondering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come;

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error, and upon me proved,

I never wit, nor no man ever loved.

"Better In Time"

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
Seems somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realise that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: X2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

How Did You Guys Meet?

Blindness was never a gift for me

Blessing of sight was mine from the beginning

Blurry, but corrected

Radiant colors flash their brights at me

Allowing me to distinguish this world

Your eyes scream different emotions

Gray, green and blue

Three colors made for you

These colors made for me

Orangish-yellow 

May not have significance to you

But memories poor out of those street lights for her

Memories that delve so deep into her character, her heart

An attraction that should cost money to enter

Though she allows you to enter for free

Simple and complex it can be

Nothing is easily revealed

You must dig, search and find

Inside her beating heart

The key to this beautiful attraction

Was given to me

So fragile and weightless in my hands

A gift so unique and treasured

And I have lost the key before

And although she had to close down the attraction for a few days,

She found the key both times and returned it to me

I am not a child in her eyes

This amazing trust she has given me

It holds an aura of colors

That twist and mold and grow together

Like our love

I met her in the mountains of Montana

In the pinks, blues, reds that lit the sky

I met her in the laughs with Shane

In the joy and excitement, in the youth

I shared her picture with the wind and the air

So they could take her everywhere

I met her in the church

Where God gave me eyes to see

I met her in the lens of my camera

In the shadows, in the light

I met her in adventures

In the adrenaline and the fear

I met her while sitting on a fence

In the beauty and the silence

I met her through my cell phone

In my failures and my shame

I met her before I met her

Now she's my whites, greens, yellows, blues, reds, purples, oranges, blacks, tie-dyes, fireflies, stars, planets, and moons.

Now she's mine and I am hers.

We met before we met.

I hold the key to her attraction,

She holds the key to mine

God promises that one day we will be free from pain, fear, hurt; there will be no tears in heaven. 

Rev 21:4

He will wipe away ever tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away

The FIRST things have passed away. First. First.

First: Coming before all others in time or order. Never previously done

God allowed these things....FIRST. Before heaven, these things had to be, had to exist, they had to come first. I've heard many people say, "Why did God make us suffer? Why would He do this to me/us?"

Appreciation. Thankfulness. Trust. Courage. Hope. Strength. Patience. Love.

These are only a few reasons why God allowed/allows suffering. We are so hurt that we assume he does it for other reasons:

Hatred. Punishment. Neglect. Disappointment. Force. Revenge. Karma. 

We have the right to decide what we truly believe about suffering. He allows us to make a choice about it. He has given us all the promises, truths, and love He can through His word. There is nothing more He can say or show us. 

Pain has many forms, but most importantly, it hurts, it hurts like HELL. God allows suffering. God allows us to see suffering. God allows hell. God allows us to see hell. Why would he do that? Because he hates us, wants to punish us, wants to force us, wants to get revenge, is neglecting us, or because we deserved it? GOD ALLOWS US TO SEE HELL. HE ALLOWS HELL. It clearly does not say, God puts hell on you, God wants you to feel hell, God wants hell for you. When you switch the words suffering for hell, it is clearer and easier to believe that what God wants us to get out of pain and suffering is...growth and understanding. To learn. 

For the past few months God's themes for me were: Death and abuse. 

These are two experiences that I couldn't hide from if I tried. It seems as though every person I meet has just lost somebody or they soon will. Many people have opened up to me about being abused as a child. Those people, as well as, the people in my past who have had the same experiences, have been echoing in my mind. 

Today, the Jesus fish on the back of my truck, created a conversation between me and an older man, whom I've been spending time with lately. We began talking about the differences in types of churches and why we do or don't like them very much. It lead us into a conversation about judgement. How some churches will throw the bible at your face and some will welcome you with a kind heart and be open-minded. This lead into talking about people in general, he immediately jumped to homosexuals. He knew I was "gay." He began to say that he had a hard time with homosexuality for a long time. He simply and freely opened up to me and told me that he was abused by a gay man when he was only five years old. That issue affected him then, and still affects him today. It was one reason why he hated gay people and couldn't see them as anything but gay. I could understand why he would feel so much hatred towards them. The type of life suffering that comes from abuse I can't relate to, but I know it's one of the worse experiences to go through. It wasn't until he got into his business as a public health official when his mind was finally opened and his heart was lightened. He also had a friend whom was gay. It wasn't until he started asking his friend about being gay, that he finally felt freedom from the hatred he felt towards gay people. He asked everything he could; how it started, when did he know, etc. Whatever he needed to ask to feel better settled. This friend of his was a great guy, he loved the guy, and couldn't understand why his friend was different from the gay stereotype he had created because of his pain. Since then, he's been open to gay people. He doesn't see them as "gay," but as Natalie, as Jesse, as people. He had the same issue with Black people. He was raised to believe that they were terrible people because of their skin color. While he learned not to judge people for their sexuality, he LEARNED not to judge people by their skin color either.

The past week has been difficult with a friend's family of mine. I no longer see the surface of the relationships that make them one. My friend showed me the leaves, then the branches, then the stump, and now the roots. They are deep. Not only deep, but still digging through the surface of the dirt. The roots are beginning to strangle the other limbs of the tree. How we both wish things could be simple, easily fixed, to just change. Why does it always have to be this way? Will it always be this way? Why, God, are you doing this? Change hearts, move feet, open mouths! I'm doing my part, why can't you do yours? It's in YOUR hands, after all. 

There are many lessons in life that I know. I know them down to a T. I know that stealing is bad. I know that murder is wrong. I know that God allows pain for us to grow and change, but I needed to hear it again. I needed to relearn the thing I've already learnt. So do all of the people who are currently on my mind. We need to remember that pain sucks, we can even say it sucks, it should. We also need to remember that God is good. He has the best intentions. He is the only person in the world who can get that right! So the next time you are hurting or sad, just remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and within the tunnel, God is going to transform you heart in ways you would never be able to do on your own, or in a perfect society. He is preparing us for heaven. 

God says, here...here is hell, look at it, feel it, revel in it, believe in it, hurt in it, suffer in it, so you can see that I am good, that I love you and that I plan to heal you. It will all work out...in the end. Will you still be with me? Or will you believe the lies that hell has to offer? 

These things had to come FIRST.

Be strong, the Lord is with you. 


If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and corrections and it's not so bad. - C.S. Lewis (God in the Dock)

Have you ever felt so much hurt, from hurting someone, that you always feel like throwing up your heart?

Mist

Beer and some rum and coke
Not to mention the blinky red, green and blue lights
They played Sublime tonight
"I don't cry when my dog runs away,
or because of the bills I have to pay"
My feet danced the night away
Though my mind distant
My body slithered and swayed
Like a jellyfish underwater
I care not what you think of me
I dance to set my mind free
My body tells me where to go
I go fast and I go slow

Under The Sheets

Sleep cycles
Lost control
Dream recycles
Your heart it stole

Lively face
Hands intertwined
Time is a race
Eyes blind

Haunting me
Blood across my shirt
Let me be
Dig the dirt

No stopping
Fast, slow
Dropping
Further into the ground you go

Subconscious
Haunting me
Unconscious
Set me free

Don't sleep
Eyes wide
Don't weep
Hide

Portrait of a beautiful man

Every female eye notices the shadows across your skin

Noting the muscles, the chest hair, the eyes

And your words, so debonair

After four whole years, you opened up to me

Your face changed that day

Your emotions flew through the air

Eyes barely open and mouth rambling

She left you and now you're broken

Vulnerability in the light for me to see

Insecurities getting the best of you

Now your bed is an invitation to all

Beautiful man, don't lose hope

Love is love because it will hurt

It hurts, it mends, and it learns

Love can't be love without an opposite emotion

Beautiful man, don't fall away

Fight the pain and you'll regain

Love you've never known before

Beautiful man, you will begin to feel

The reds, yellows, blues, and all the intricate hues

Don't sell your body to hopelessness

Love does not grow there

Beautiful man, beautiful man, beautiful man

You were made in love!

Love is the cure

If your cup is empty, fill it up

Love given is love received

Beautiful man, you are love

Love so fervently, till love is all you see

Don't allow darkness to seep through

And when your beautiful lady comes to you

Your love will be true

Your love will be new

Your love will be due

Love on, beautiful man

We Wouldn't Be the Couple We Are If...

I've lost all control

Mind, hands, and soul

My hearts racing "like a bullet from a gun"

Neuron lights flying through my brain

Like exit lights on the floor of a plane

I'm screaming and running through a crowd of people

One day they'll fill the hill containing our steeple

I never knew the definition of peace

Till I met you

Please don't let me combust

I don't want to leave but I must

Will you watch me go?

Maybe time will feel slow

I'm going to watch you 

Through the darkness of my eyelids

Till I see your beautiful face again

And the world will not feel so mundane

With Ecstatic Ways

Bodies aching to jump
Our shadows rich with colors unimaginable
Keeping hope, our lost fingers connect together in wholeness
Hands locked and loaded, my dear
Every part of you is a part of me
Separation of our hearts creates a beat unknown
Losing the most admired equinox
Though we each share the weight of gravity's pull
Reds, yellows, and greens flash by
We share the stops, the slows, and the go's
The force of love is on our side
So run with me baby to the edge of the universe
The soles of our shoes will leave traces of proof
Memories scattered all over the world
We can stand on top of the moon
And throw our worry, fear, and sadness into the dark
Watch it get sucked away through a black hole
And float on, float on, we will
Together as one

Doing my research paper about Alzheimer's disease. The acknowledgement in the beginning says:

To ... , who, when memory failed,

never forgot how to see beauty

I love this.

Thankful

In the past, I believed I was more than enough for someone. That I had all or more of the qualities most people don't have. Thought I was someone who would always love more than everyone else. Assumed my compassion for people would be enough for the person I was with. I always assumed I was the best person to be in a relationship with. That others should be jealous they don't have me.

As I've embarked in this relationship, I find myself never feeling any of those things. I feel quite the opposite. "Enough", the word I can't seem to get out of my mind. Can I be enough for you? Do I have qualities that are different than other people? Better than other people? Can I love you more than anything? Will I be able to be there for you through the thick and thin?

You tell me I'm wonderful, that I'm great, that you think I'm pretty awesome. I don't respond because I don't believe it. You're right, I expect myself to be so much more. I know I'm capable of more and when I can't be that, I get myself down. Though, I know myself, and I know that you are better at me than a lot of things when it comes to a relationship. I know there will be days when I'll wake up and feel numb to the world and to you. Yet, you want to push through it and you want to stay here for me, because you think I'm worth it...and I can't appreciate that any more than I do.

They Welded Us Together

I could have just got up and left a few times

Grabbed all of my things and just pushed you away

There were enough fears to haunt my dreams

To just shut the door

I stuck through it because there was a voice

Not clear, but it echoed in everything I saw

The sky, the moon, the greens, the reds

The longer I grew in your presence,

the sharper it became

Those fears almost shut me down

Almost ripped me apart again

But your aroma wouldn't let me go

All the others weren't strong enough

Sometimes I sit thinking about your name before I met you

My inner voice said that you could possibly be the one

But what nonsense such a thing could be

So I told it to take a hike

Every time I allow the fears to invade my mind

I yell in the name of love

Love, Love, Love

A tornado swirls inside my head

and transformation begins

I think of you and how far we've come

It resides inside you

This love that draws me closer

and sometimes I still pull away

and then it brings me closer than before

Showing me that everything is safe

That you are mine and I am yours

Something about your soul I've never found in another

My mind will go this way, but you always bring me that way

I wonder what kind of power you behold

God has instilled in you an ability

Unlike any other

I think it was made for me

and I wonder if He gave it to you for life

or if it's just meant for now

The voice it speaks to me

In the warmth of the sun

In the creases of your smile

In the fears

Through the fears

With you