We tend to have days where we make major decisions that hurt us and other people. Sometimes these decisions make us take a step back and review our selves. We can be very self criticizing and I fully understand that because I've done it before. It's a way to cope but also very unhealthy.
Over the years, I've had people come to me saying how terrible they are and that nothing good ever comes from what they do. That they are not worthy of praises and that they'll never change. That no one will ever appreciate them and so they need to push people away. In the past, I thought of reasons why I would say things like that to my friends. I would say them because I was looking for encouragement and for them to tell me that what I was believing were lies. I needed outside help. That's what I expected, but even after someone tried to give me hope and encouragement, I still pushed what they said away and kept talking negatively about myself. I think a part of the reason I did that was because no matter what people said, I still didn't believe in myself, so how could I believe them?
Over the years, I've come to accept who I am and have hope and confidence in myself. I have tendencies to be negative but for the most part, I am an optimistic person. If I have a friend come to me saying negative things about themselves (asking/looking for approval and encouragement), I give them as much positive words as I can. If they keep pushing what I'm saying away and aren't believing in themselves then I quit trying. I quit trying because I know deep down there is nothing I can say that will change their mind. It's their own thoughts that will change how they feel about themselves. Sometimes I wonder if quitting is the best idea because sometimes people want you to climb up the wall they put up. Almost like a test. And if you push long enough, they'll come through. But I'm no longer willing to do that because in the end, I can't change how people feel about themselves. Only they can.
It's like when someone is having a hard time in life and a relationship comes along. They are all of a sudden "better." Their problems disappear. They think it's all because of this person they're with now but soon enough, these problems are going to start creeping up again because you can't hide from your problems. People tend to move to different states to escape people and issues but they always follow. Even if we're in a relationship, we are still going to get jealous and we're still going to have insecurities.
I will do what I can to encourage people but I'm not going to sit down and pamper someone who comes up to me asking for help and then refuse it when I give it.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Down & Out
What a fantastic day compared to yesterday! Take it to heart when people say "there's always another day." It's true, it's true!
This morning I went to Putnam Middle School and did scoliosis screenings on the kids. It was kinda scary at first thinking about how to say "please, take of your shirt and bend over." It wasn't as bad as I thought. I remember doing them in middle school and high school. I just don't remember how I felt about them. A repressed memory?? haha, jk.
I had my "meeting" today which was SO hard. It always gets harder but easier at the same time. It's invigorating. I always leave with a challenge. : )
I also had a one-on-one date with Mary Butker. What a joy. I love that girl. I don't think she knows the influence she's had on me. I am so thankful for her.
Now to watch more Dexter in my favorite place and then acoustic night.....AHHHH great day!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3
This morning I went to Putnam Middle School and did scoliosis screenings on the kids. It was kinda scary at first thinking about how to say "please, take of your shirt and bend over." It wasn't as bad as I thought. I remember doing them in middle school and high school. I just don't remember how I felt about them. A repressed memory?? haha, jk.
I had my "meeting" today which was SO hard. It always gets harder but easier at the same time. It's invigorating. I always leave with a challenge. : )
I also had a one-on-one date with Mary Butker. What a joy. I love that girl. I don't think she knows the influence she's had on me. I am so thankful for her.
Now to watch more Dexter in my favorite place and then acoustic night.....AHHHH great day!!!!!!
<3 <3 <3
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Ghosts In My Halls
I've had blackbird mostly to myself this week. The only people coming in were families and older people. It was quite nice seeing adults come in here and hang out. It felt as though I had extra space to think. No distractions (besides a few guys here and there :p).
Now that there are people back from SB and hanging out in BB, I can't concentrate as well. It's like all their energies are distracting my own. I haven't had to consciously push them away for a week.
It's just funny to me how a room full of people can make me feel uneasy. I can't even understand why besides the fact I know it deals with all this stimulus. Oh well, back to studying for that test tomorrow...eek
Now that there are people back from SB and hanging out in BB, I can't concentrate as well. It's like all their energies are distracting my own. I haven't had to consciously push them away for a week.
It's just funny to me how a room full of people can make me feel uneasy. I can't even understand why besides the fact I know it deals with all this stimulus. Oh well, back to studying for that test tomorrow...eek
Saturday, March 26, 2011
HIV
I'm currently reading about HIV and at the end of the section, it talks about the emotional feelings of the patient/clients. It talked about the different ways that parents cope, etc. The thing that caught me off guard was the child infected with HIV from their parent.
These children don't know their diagnosis. They just think they're constantly "sick." At what age or time point would you tell your child that you gave them HIV? As a parent, I would feel extreme guilt and feel terrible. I wouldn't want to tell my child that I gave that to them. After awhile, you have to tell your child what happened. So when would you tell your child? 6 years old? 12?
It's a really unfortunate situation. Would you keep yourself from getting pregnant to keep the illness from your child? Or do you accept the fact that even a child with HIV has a right to live and is just as equal and important as any other child? Just something to think about.
When I encounter this situation one day, I hope now I'll have more of an understanding of the situation.
These children don't know their diagnosis. They just think they're constantly "sick." At what age or time point would you tell your child that you gave them HIV? As a parent, I would feel extreme guilt and feel terrible. I wouldn't want to tell my child that I gave that to them. After awhile, you have to tell your child what happened. So when would you tell your child? 6 years old? 12?
It's a really unfortunate situation. Would you keep yourself from getting pregnant to keep the illness from your child? Or do you accept the fact that even a child with HIV has a right to live and is just as equal and important as any other child? Just something to think about.
When I encounter this situation one day, I hope now I'll have more of an understanding of the situation.
Re-post: Earth Rotating Too Fast?
I'm adding to the previous post. About doing things in a half-caring manner. Well, this week I've done a lot of that. One incident in particular.
There are a few things that happened this week that totally changed my mindset about life and what I think and feel about it. I don't want to say what they are because I don't think people will like it and I don't think many will understand.
I just felt like writing that out. Thanks for reading it despite it's hidden mysteries.
There are a few things that happened this week that totally changed my mindset about life and what I think and feel about it. I don't want to say what they are because I don't think people will like it and I don't think many will understand.
I just felt like writing that out. Thanks for reading it despite it's hidden mysteries.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Is the Earth Rotating Too Fast?
I think my life is off kilter with the rest of the world. Things are happening that shouldn't be happening. Stories are being created that are extremely opposite of my usual stories. It's just a constant...."wait, what?!" running through my mind. CONSTANTLY.
Almost like an awkward, what do I do what that? I've been going with the flow a lot lately and it's been really, really good but has caused me to kinda just let things fly and I'm not so sure that's a good thing but not so sure it's a bad thing either.
Chaos. Woah.
Almost like an awkward, what do I do what that? I've been going with the flow a lot lately and it's been really, really good but has caused me to kinda just let things fly and I'm not so sure that's a good thing but not so sure it's a bad thing either.
Chaos. Woah.
To Give or Not To Give, That Is the Question
A couple of days ago, Jay came up to me and asked for some "change." I usually say I don't have any because honestly, I don't carry change but also because I know he lives with his mother and I know he could be saving his money instead of just spending it. Actually, I don't know what he does with his money. He could give it to his mom. Who knows...but I just feel like after all the years he's been on the streets, he needs to start trying to take the opportunities he has to work. He knows everyone in Milledgeville and people have given him that option. So I just don't want to be handing him money all the time.
This time though, I gave him about 3 bucks. I didn't even think about it, I was just like sure, heck, why not? Maybe it was because I was in a really good mood. Anyway, ever since then, he's been coming to me for money thinking that just because I gave him the 3 bucks the other day that I'll keep giving him money. I'm too good for that and I'm not afraid to tell him no.
He just came up to me and asked me for change and I said I didn't have any. Then he came into Blackbird five minutes later and asked me to buy him a cookie and I said, no. The thing is, I want to give him money and buy him food so bad but because I know he'll get it from someone else and because I know he's not going to save it, I don't want to do that for him. I also don't want him to expect me to give him change every time he asks. It hurts to say no to him but I have to do it. I couldn't imagine how different it would be if it was my family member constantly coming to me asking for change if they were homeless.
There was a time I went home to CA to see my dad and he has a smoking problem. He pretty much begged me to buy him some cigarettes and at that point in my life they disgusted me and I hated seeing my dad so addicted to something like that. But because I loved him and understood his withdrawals, I gave in and bought them. Although, I've changed my ways since then, I won't do that now. He'll survive. Jay will survive too.
This time though, I gave him about 3 bucks. I didn't even think about it, I was just like sure, heck, why not? Maybe it was because I was in a really good mood. Anyway, ever since then, he's been coming to me for money thinking that just because I gave him the 3 bucks the other day that I'll keep giving him money. I'm too good for that and I'm not afraid to tell him no.
He just came up to me and asked me for change and I said I didn't have any. Then he came into Blackbird five minutes later and asked me to buy him a cookie and I said, no. The thing is, I want to give him money and buy him food so bad but because I know he'll get it from someone else and because I know he's not going to save it, I don't want to do that for him. I also don't want him to expect me to give him change every time he asks. It hurts to say no to him but I have to do it. I couldn't imagine how different it would be if it was my family member constantly coming to me asking for change if they were homeless.
There was a time I went home to CA to see my dad and he has a smoking problem. He pretty much begged me to buy him some cigarettes and at that point in my life they disgusted me and I hated seeing my dad so addicted to something like that. But because I loved him and understood his withdrawals, I gave in and bought them. Although, I've changed my ways since then, I won't do that now. He'll survive. Jay will survive too.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
TACO HELL
I don't go to taco bell but once a year, maybe. It kinda grosses me out knowing that bad things happen there. When I pull up to the drive-thru, I don't feel so bad about eating the food because there are always other people there. It must be OKAY. In moderation of course. I think once a year is okay, haha.
I pulled up to the speaker and the guy said hey how are you doing today? I was surprised at such a question because usually you hear, "what do you want to eat." Especially from Taco Bell. So I said, "I'm great, how are you?" He said he was fine and asked for my order. I pulled up to the window and he gave me a good look and I kindly asked for 10 packets of mild sauce. He said, "I can do that for you." I waited a couple minutes and he handed me my bag while giving me this creepy wink. I wasn't sure whether to take that as, you're really pretty or I just put something nasty in your food...ENJOY!!
If I die, you have this as proof!! Now to finish studying and watch Atonement :D
I pulled up to the speaker and the guy said hey how are you doing today? I was surprised at such a question because usually you hear, "what do you want to eat." Especially from Taco Bell. So I said, "I'm great, how are you?" He said he was fine and asked for my order. I pulled up to the window and he gave me a good look and I kindly asked for 10 packets of mild sauce. He said, "I can do that for you." I waited a couple minutes and he handed me my bag while giving me this creepy wink. I wasn't sure whether to take that as, you're really pretty or I just put something nasty in your food...ENJOY!!
If I die, you have this as proof!! Now to finish studying and watch Atonement :D
I Never Learned My Lesson
"The preschool child who runs out into the street is at risk for being struck by a car. Teach preschoolers to stop at the curb and never go into the street without a grownup."
Now, take out preschooler and add "Natalie" and you get:
"NATALIE, who runs out into the street is at risk for being struck by a car. Teach NATALIE to stop at the curb and never go into the street without a grownup."
So when I was a child, I was put on one of those kid leashes. I used to run/walk across the street without looking. I guess I thought I was invincible because I did it daily and I never got hit. There were close moments but I'm still here. Even today, I walk across the street without looking and just expect people to stop for me if I'm in the middle of the street.
I guess I'll never learn! :D Muahaha
Now, take out preschooler and add "Natalie" and you get:
"NATALIE, who runs out into the street is at risk for being struck by a car. Teach NATALIE to stop at the curb and never go into the street without a grownup."
So when I was a child, I was put on one of those kid leashes. I used to run/walk across the street without looking. I guess I thought I was invincible because I did it daily and I never got hit. There were close moments but I'm still here. Even today, I walk across the street without looking and just expect people to stop for me if I'm in the middle of the street.
I guess I'll never learn! :D Muahaha
Not For Children
I'm not sure how I feel about this:
"Masturbation in the toddler often causes a great deal of discomfort to the parent. The parent should not draw attention to the activity, as that may increase its frequency. The parent should calmly explain to the toddler that this is an activity that may only be done in private (what??). If the toddler is masturbating excessively or refuses to stop when in public, then there may be additional stressors in the toddler's life that should be explored."
First of all, when would I ever tell my child to go masturbate in private? I know what their saying and all but shoot, I've never heard of toddlers doing this. TODDLERS! And if they started doing it in public, oh my gawd, I would die.
Thought you'd like to know. :p
"Masturbation in the toddler often causes a great deal of discomfort to the parent. The parent should not draw attention to the activity, as that may increase its frequency. The parent should calmly explain to the toddler that this is an activity that may only be done in private (what??). If the toddler is masturbating excessively or refuses to stop when in public, then there may be additional stressors in the toddler's life that should be explored."
First of all, when would I ever tell my child to go masturbate in private? I know what their saying and all but shoot, I've never heard of toddlers doing this. TODDLERS! And if they started doing it in public, oh my gawd, I would die.
Thought you'd like to know. :p
This Might Make You Laugh. Nevermind.
I've been spending a lot of time with guys lately. And I'm enjoying it a whole lot to say the least. I really miss spending time with guys. For a long time, I pushed them all away. I've had a lot of unhealthy issues with them because of past stuff but I've been through a lot of healing since then. I think this is a breakthrough. I'm learning to trust them more and believe that there are good guys out there.
That wasn't funny but this might be. Actually, the funny part will come later.
People think I'm not a physical, touchy person. They think I don't like hugs either. This isn't true at all. There was a time when I hugged people a lot and was very playful with them. Over time, this changed and I slowly became closed off to any physical affection. I've gotten to the point where I do love hugs but I won't give them unless the other person asks for one. Maybe it's a slight insecurity thing and not wanting someone to feel like they have to give me a hug. But when I do get hugs, I LOVE THEM! So hug away, you just have to hold your arms open, haha.
I find that I don't enjoy hugs with guys. Hugs are like puzzle pieces and there are certain people that "fit" just right. Guys and I don't fit. I have a few assumptions as to why and one of them is that fact that my boobs are well....not small. So when we hug, it's just like....oww. Yet with girls it's different because you find the perfect place to kind of criss cross your chests as to make this issue not occur. Anyway, I wish this wasn't the case but I love hugging girls more, lol. I do like hugging guys, it's just different, haha. That was supposed to be the funny part. It wasn't a joke though so you're probably not laughing. I'm laughing at myself now.
Side Note: tonight I got to spend some time with a guy that I've had a very interesting relationship with. It's quite the story but I'm not going to get into that. Anyway, it was so nice to actually spend time with him. We spent a lot of time apart because he left this school and did some other things and came back. I'd see him in passing and we'd chat but never got together to hang out again. Tonight, we were at Blackbird doing work and I wanted him to see my bike because he knows everything about them. I asked him if he'd help me fix some things. He came over and we talked about what we're going to do with it and I said it'd be best if we did it in the morning because it was dark. So I just invited him in to watch Inception with me. It was a good time!! He really enjoyed the movie. He hadn't seen it before. So it's pretty awesome and I get to see him again tomorrow and he's going to teach me how to dismantle my bike and add new hardware :) I'm really excited about it because I love building and fixing stuff. I'm still the tomboy from my childhood. I love it!!
Goodnight!! <3
That wasn't funny but this might be. Actually, the funny part will come later.
People think I'm not a physical, touchy person. They think I don't like hugs either. This isn't true at all. There was a time when I hugged people a lot and was very playful with them. Over time, this changed and I slowly became closed off to any physical affection. I've gotten to the point where I do love hugs but I won't give them unless the other person asks for one. Maybe it's a slight insecurity thing and not wanting someone to feel like they have to give me a hug. But when I do get hugs, I LOVE THEM! So hug away, you just have to hold your arms open, haha.
I find that I don't enjoy hugs with guys. Hugs are like puzzle pieces and there are certain people that "fit" just right. Guys and I don't fit. I have a few assumptions as to why and one of them is that fact that my boobs are well....not small. So when we hug, it's just like....oww. Yet with girls it's different because you find the perfect place to kind of criss cross your chests as to make this issue not occur. Anyway, I wish this wasn't the case but I love hugging girls more, lol. I do like hugging guys, it's just different, haha. That was supposed to be the funny part. It wasn't a joke though so you're probably not laughing. I'm laughing at myself now.
Side Note: tonight I got to spend some time with a guy that I've had a very interesting relationship with. It's quite the story but I'm not going to get into that. Anyway, it was so nice to actually spend time with him. We spent a lot of time apart because he left this school and did some other things and came back. I'd see him in passing and we'd chat but never got together to hang out again. Tonight, we were at Blackbird doing work and I wanted him to see my bike because he knows everything about them. I asked him if he'd help me fix some things. He came over and we talked about what we're going to do with it and I said it'd be best if we did it in the morning because it was dark. So I just invited him in to watch Inception with me. It was a good time!! He really enjoyed the movie. He hadn't seen it before. So it's pretty awesome and I get to see him again tomorrow and he's going to teach me how to dismantle my bike and add new hardware :) I'm really excited about it because I love building and fixing stuff. I'm still the tomboy from my childhood. I love it!!
Goodnight!! <3
"Super" Moon
If you haven't noticed, the moon has been extremely big and bright the past week or so. On the news, they call it the "super" moon. I guess it happens every year.
I'm not sure what has gotten into me lately but ever since about two months ago, I look up at the sky frequently. More than once a day. I especially look at it at night when I get home. I've noticed the moon and have taken several pictures of it. There's something so mysterious and majestic about the stars, the moon, and the universe.
I can't expect anyone to feel the way I do about it. I have a love for the sky. It gives me hope, it gives me another day, and it helps me sleep. The moon and the stars give light to the night. Without them, it would be a dark place....a darker place. This world is dark enough. If I looked up into the sky and saw that the stars and the moon were gone, I would be extremely distraught.
I just wish people appreciated it more. When I think of places to take my friends, I think of the small airport off 441. It comes of as romantic but that's not what I mean for it to be. It's just a great place to cuddle up in blankets and look at the sky. I watched the meteor shower out there last year. It was fantastic and we had hot chocolate!
I have also had dates out there. The best dates of my life :D. If you want to take me on a date, just take me outside at night, haha. Not that I'll be dating anytime soon but for future reference.
In conclusion, if you want, you should take a look at the sky tonight and think about life and the many things you love. It's a great place to let your thoughts fly. There's an infinite amount of thinking space.
I'm not sure what has gotten into me lately but ever since about two months ago, I look up at the sky frequently. More than once a day. I especially look at it at night when I get home. I've noticed the moon and have taken several pictures of it. There's something so mysterious and majestic about the stars, the moon, and the universe.
I can't expect anyone to feel the way I do about it. I have a love for the sky. It gives me hope, it gives me another day, and it helps me sleep. The moon and the stars give light to the night. Without them, it would be a dark place....a darker place. This world is dark enough. If I looked up into the sky and saw that the stars and the moon were gone, I would be extremely distraught.
I just wish people appreciated it more. When I think of places to take my friends, I think of the small airport off 441. It comes of as romantic but that's not what I mean for it to be. It's just a great place to cuddle up in blankets and look at the sky. I watched the meteor shower out there last year. It was fantastic and we had hot chocolate!
I have also had dates out there. The best dates of my life :D. If you want to take me on a date, just take me outside at night, haha. Not that I'll be dating anytime soon but for future reference.
In conclusion, if you want, you should take a look at the sky tonight and think about life and the many things you love. It's a great place to let your thoughts fly. There's an infinite amount of thinking space.
Monday, March 21, 2011
What Now?
Just watched some videos. Not sure how I feel about this topic anymore. No, I'm not going to tell you what the topics were. Just that my mind is .....thinking things over. Hmmm....
YOU WILL THANK ME FOR THIS....
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
http://www.inbflat.net/
Will You Make Your Home in My Shoe?
It's getting about to be one of my favorite times of the year. Yes, it's spring and all but there's something really specific that I look forward to at home. My grandmother's house has rain gutters...like most houses, lol. Although, hers have these gray trays that sit in the dirt beneath the rain gutters like a slide to keep the rain moving as opposed to it pooling up right under the drain. These gray trays are the homes to the interesting creatures I enjoying finding every year.
Last year, it was the day after it rained. I knew they would be under there because they were trying to keep dry. I picked up the gray slide and found two beautiful creatures. One was the mother and the other, a baby.....frogs :D. They croak, they run around, and they hide. One time, I caught a big one and put it in my shoe. I wanted to know what my grandmother would think if I brought it in the house. I was worried that maybe she would have a heart attack and die but I was willing to take that risk, haha. (I knew she wouldn't...come on!). I brought it to her and said, "Look!!!" Like I was a five year old child exploring new places in the world and to me finding new animals when everyone already knew they existed.
This is the feeling I enjoy re-enacting every year :) And in case you were wondering what my grandmother said, "Get that out of here!!! What if it got loose in the house and I couldn't find it! Take him outside!!!!" Gotta love her!
Last year, it was the day after it rained. I knew they would be under there because they were trying to keep dry. I picked up the gray slide and found two beautiful creatures. One was the mother and the other, a baby.....frogs :D. They croak, they run around, and they hide. One time, I caught a big one and put it in my shoe. I wanted to know what my grandmother would think if I brought it in the house. I was worried that maybe she would have a heart attack and die but I was willing to take that risk, haha. (I knew she wouldn't...come on!). I brought it to her and said, "Look!!!" Like I was a five year old child exploring new places in the world and to me finding new animals when everyone already knew they existed.
This is the feeling I enjoy re-enacting every year :) And in case you were wondering what my grandmother said, "Get that out of here!!! What if it got loose in the house and I couldn't find it! Take him outside!!!!" Gotta love her!
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Surviving Your Own Home
Honestly, whenever I hear a holiday is coming up, I get emotional. I don't talk about, I just shut down and pretend that all is well within me. It's the easiest way to cope with the feelings. I've never planned anything for spring break and I've always spent time at home. I only had two expectations for this break: 1) to study for my test the upcoming Monday and 2) go home for at least 2 days to see my grandmother and get some errands done.
I usually call my grandmother the day before or a couple of days before I go see her. I wasn't actually planning on going to go home until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday but I woke up not feeling to well. Which then lead me to want to go home to get some TLC. I called her while still in Milly but she didn't answer. I called her cell phone as well but she usually never picks up. I thought maybe she was on a trip and I didn't know about it because I hadn't talked to her in awhile. Either way, I needed to get home to do certain errands.
As I was driving to Fayetteville, my nana called me from her cell phone. I answered and asked her where she was. She said she was in North Ga on a small trip for the week. I knew it. Here I am already sad that my guardians live in Montana, my dad in California, my sister in TX, and I'm stuck in GA, driving two hours to an empty "home." That's not the best feeling in the world, to say the least.
I also left my phone charger at home so my phone is dying at the moment and I can't contact anyone which isn't good for me while I'm here alone. There's always been something about this house that has freaked me out. It's a two story house with one bedroom downstairs and three upstairs. It's a fairly large house for just my grandmother and I. I usually sleep in the upstairs guest room...they're all guest rooms but there's one in particular I sleep in. Every night when I try to go to sleep I get paranoid. This house has an alarm but it only works on the windows and doors downstairs. I creep myself out by thinking of situations where the "bad guys" get in upstairs and I'm trapped. I know I can't defend myself. My roommate Michelle is a wee gal and she takes me out in one blow.
Also, I've had a lot of anxiety attack episodes in that room. I have these attacks when I sleep. I've also been woken up at early times in the morning with sharp pain, nausea, and labored breathing. So, it's not my favorite place to sleep and when my grandmother isn't here, it's only escalated. I'm currently in her bed watching TV and I plan on falling asleep in here if I can. It's the place I feel safest. Sometimes I text friends till I fall asleep because that seems to help but with my phone dying and all, it's not an option.
The rest of the week I have to study so this spring break is again, another reason for me to hate holidays.
I usually call my grandmother the day before or a couple of days before I go see her. I wasn't actually planning on going to go home until maybe Tuesday or Wednesday but I woke up not feeling to well. Which then lead me to want to go home to get some TLC. I called her while still in Milly but she didn't answer. I called her cell phone as well but she usually never picks up. I thought maybe she was on a trip and I didn't know about it because I hadn't talked to her in awhile. Either way, I needed to get home to do certain errands.
As I was driving to Fayetteville, my nana called me from her cell phone. I answered and asked her where she was. She said she was in North Ga on a small trip for the week. I knew it. Here I am already sad that my guardians live in Montana, my dad in California, my sister in TX, and I'm stuck in GA, driving two hours to an empty "home." That's not the best feeling in the world, to say the least.
I also left my phone charger at home so my phone is dying at the moment and I can't contact anyone which isn't good for me while I'm here alone. There's always been something about this house that has freaked me out. It's a two story house with one bedroom downstairs and three upstairs. It's a fairly large house for just my grandmother and I. I usually sleep in the upstairs guest room...they're all guest rooms but there's one in particular I sleep in. Every night when I try to go to sleep I get paranoid. This house has an alarm but it only works on the windows and doors downstairs. I creep myself out by thinking of situations where the "bad guys" get in upstairs and I'm trapped. I know I can't defend myself. My roommate Michelle is a wee gal and she takes me out in one blow.
Also, I've had a lot of anxiety attack episodes in that room. I have these attacks when I sleep. I've also been woken up at early times in the morning with sharp pain, nausea, and labored breathing. So, it's not my favorite place to sleep and when my grandmother isn't here, it's only escalated. I'm currently in her bed watching TV and I plan on falling asleep in here if I can. It's the place I feel safest. Sometimes I text friends till I fall asleep because that seems to help but with my phone dying and all, it's not an option.
The rest of the week I have to study so this spring break is again, another reason for me to hate holidays.
We're All Liars
Just finished watching Buried. The whole movie was filmed in a coffin. A man in a coffin with a lighter, flashlight, two glow sticks, liquor, pills, and a phone. I'm going to give it away because it's not worth watching.
He was supposedly attacked in Iraq and buried underground. The last call was from someone in the US who said they were digging him out. The coffin was filling with sand and of course in my mind, he was going to be saved. They said, "oh, no, they gave us the location to Mark White's coffin." So in the end, he got buried alive. That's it. No happy ending. No great story. No special feelings.
The only thing I liked about that movie was that the ending was truth. I'm trired of watching happy endings that are clearly fantasy. I like real stories with real people, real endings. Life. Life is great but it's also hell. Bad things do happen and miracles do not always occur. The more we watch these fake endings, the more we're surprised when bad things happen. We expect the "fantasy" to come true and to come true in our lives. If we watch more movies with real life endings, that are unfortunate, then maybe we can condition ourselves to be okay with bad experiences and endings. Maybe people would realize when bad things happen, we keep going, it's not an excuse to end your life. That bad things happen but their not as big a deal as we make them out to be. I think the reason we make them up to be big deals is because we're so used to seeing the 'miracles' occur. We're conditioned to think positively. Which is good! But there's always a balance to everything.
Miracles do happen, just not as often and not like they are portrayed in movies. I have a love/hate relationship with realistic endings.
He was supposedly attacked in Iraq and buried underground. The last call was from someone in the US who said they were digging him out. The coffin was filling with sand and of course in my mind, he was going to be saved. They said, "oh, no, they gave us the location to Mark White's coffin." So in the end, he got buried alive. That's it. No happy ending. No great story. No special feelings.
The only thing I liked about that movie was that the ending was truth. I'm trired of watching happy endings that are clearly fantasy. I like real stories with real people, real endings. Life. Life is great but it's also hell. Bad things do happen and miracles do not always occur. The more we watch these fake endings, the more we're surprised when bad things happen. We expect the "fantasy" to come true and to come true in our lives. If we watch more movies with real life endings, that are unfortunate, then maybe we can condition ourselves to be okay with bad experiences and endings. Maybe people would realize when bad things happen, we keep going, it's not an excuse to end your life. That bad things happen but their not as big a deal as we make them out to be. I think the reason we make them up to be big deals is because we're so used to seeing the 'miracles' occur. We're conditioned to think positively. Which is good! But there's always a balance to everything.
Miracles do happen, just not as often and not like they are portrayed in movies. I have a love/hate relationship with realistic endings.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
ALAS!
You know, there are certain things in our lives that can really weigh us down. They can control us and we are in deep. Sometimes it's like we're carrying a ball and chain and we put them on thinking that at some point, some miracle will happen and poof, they'll be gone. And when that miracle never comes, it only takes time before someone comes along and takes them off for us.
I'm at a point right now where I can either put the ball and chain on....or drop them dead in my tracks and just keep moving. I'm choosing to leave them here. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes we think we're leaving them but realize later that we actually put them on. Does that make sense? You think, oh, I'll never let this control my life....it won't. Give it a couple weeks and there you are, sinking into quicksand, forgetting what the survival guide said to do. You're too freaked out and upset that you allowed yourself to get there.
Alas, I am going to TRY and leave these chains here.
Let's get this party started. Freedom here I come.
I'm at a point right now where I can either put the ball and chain on....or drop them dead in my tracks and just keep moving. I'm choosing to leave them here. Now, don't get me wrong, sometimes we think we're leaving them but realize later that we actually put them on. Does that make sense? You think, oh, I'll never let this control my life....it won't. Give it a couple weeks and there you are, sinking into quicksand, forgetting what the survival guide said to do. You're too freaked out and upset that you allowed yourself to get there.
Alas, I am going to TRY and leave these chains here.
Let's get this party started. Freedom here I come.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
I wish I wrote this....
"A sad fact, of course, about adult life is that you see the very things you'll never adapt to coming toward you on the horizon. You see them as the problems they are, you worry like hell about them, you make provisions, take precautions, fashion adjustments; you tell yourself you'll have to change your way of doing things. Only you don't. you can't. Somehow it's too late. And maybe it's even worse than that: maybe the thing you see coming from far away is not the real thing, that thing that scares you, but its aftermath. And what you've feared will happen has already taken place. This is similar in spirit to the realization that all the great new adventures of medical science will have no benefit for us at all, though we cheer them on , hope a vaccine might be ready in time, think things could still get better. Only it's too late there too. And in that very way our life gets over before we know it. We miss it. And like the poet said: 'The ways we miss our lives are life."
- Independence Day by Richard Ford
- Independence Day by Richard Ford
Night Terrors
So I had a terrible dream last night. I haven't had these "night terrors" in a while. What happens is, I get trapped inside of a dream where I am paralyzed in real life so I can't get out of the dream until my body hits a peak point of stress. It's a real issue that's called something but I forget. I usually get dreams where someone is hovering over me and I can't talk so I have to try to force something out of my mouth and usually it's the name of whoever is in the room with me, because in those moments of pure fear, the only thing helps is for my roommate to come push me around. When I finally come out of it, I am panting and sweating and am really paranoid.
Last night's dream was completely different. It wasn't as intense and it was about a subject I do NOT like talking about. A subject that I guess I'm still unsure of and that I'd rather stay in denial about if it is real; UFO's and aliens.
I was driving in the car with Drew Godsey (the reason he was in my dream is due to the fact we had just been texting before I went to sleep) and all of a sudden I was like oh my gosh, look at that.... it was a perfectly lit up, small, UFO, in the sky. Within seconds I could almost feel my body being lifted as if gravity no longer had control and then bam, I woke up. I was having trouble breathing and was so tired that I was barely able to keep my eyes open. I fell back into the dream a couple times before I finally forced myself to get up. It was terrible. Those things scare the living daylights out of me.
Last night's dream was completely different. It wasn't as intense and it was about a subject I do NOT like talking about. A subject that I guess I'm still unsure of and that I'd rather stay in denial about if it is real; UFO's and aliens.
I was driving in the car with Drew Godsey (the reason he was in my dream is due to the fact we had just been texting before I went to sleep) and all of a sudden I was like oh my gosh, look at that.... it was a perfectly lit up, small, UFO, in the sky. Within seconds I could almost feel my body being lifted as if gravity no longer had control and then bam, I woke up. I was having trouble breathing and was so tired that I was barely able to keep my eyes open. I fell back into the dream a couple times before I finally forced myself to get up. It was terrible. Those things scare the living daylights out of me.
Monday, March 14, 2011
With Quiet Admiration
The lines forming the prints on my fingers
Intriguing, insightful, implicit; small in comparison
Soft, soothing, warmth radiating from fire in the sky
Aesthetic, architectural structures above me assert themselves
Gardens filled with roses, chrysanthemums, tulips, lilies,
gerbera, freesia, and carnations
Immaculate beauty, small in comparison to you.
My Chain Hangs Low
I'm currently chuckling to myself because I'm looking at a white male, wearing neon orange, baggy pants that hang below his butt. I don't even know how they are holding up, but they are. He's also wearing a black, baggy shirt with orange sleeves and on one of his wrists is a 5 inch wide glittery bracelet. It's a freaking herpes filled bracelet (if you get the reference). The more hilarious thing is that he's with his guy friend who is black and his friend is wearing his pants like a normal human being. I just don't see how that all started and why they feel it's super cool to let it all hang out. It just makes me laugh.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
DIE ALARM CLOCK
I love waking up to my upstairs neighbors alarm clock. Every Saturday that I've lived here. I'm not sure if he's actually in his room or if he forgets to turn the dang thing off but seriously? I could kill him.
So, last night became a huge night for me. I went to The Art After Dark Show just planning on reciting one of my poems. I was so nervous during that I had to stop and catch my breath a few times. Although, by the end of the night, that wasn't the only thing I did. I played the guitar while singing and I did it twice. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I've sang and played my guitar before....in a closet! I go to acoustic night every Tuesday, but have never played a thing. I don't have an amazing voice, but I also don't have a bad voice. For me, I'd rather sing if people are going to be inspired and enjoy it a lot and I don't think my voice meets that standard. I've always dreamt I'd at least try to play and sing in front of a crowd with the microphone and all, and I did. Yes, I allowed them to talk amongst themselves so I wouldn't be as nervous. The odd thing is that I wasn't nervous at all once I started singing. I was more nervous reciting my poem than I was singing. I was astounded but then again, I do play my guitar to relieve my anxiety and stress. I guess it works on stage as well.
Although this was a huge feat for me considering I'm afraid of doing anything in front of people, I don't plan on trying it out at acoustic night....unless someone else sings with me or sings for me. I'm just glad I did something off of my invisible bucket list.
There were other things that occurred at this A.A.D show that meant more to me than anything and that also changed a lot of things in me. I can't verbalize them but know that I'm really glad I went :D
So, last night became a huge night for me. I went to The Art After Dark Show just planning on reciting one of my poems. I was so nervous during that I had to stop and catch my breath a few times. Although, by the end of the night, that wasn't the only thing I did. I played the guitar while singing and I did it twice. IN FRONT OF PEOPLE. I've sang and played my guitar before....in a closet! I go to acoustic night every Tuesday, but have never played a thing. I don't have an amazing voice, but I also don't have a bad voice. For me, I'd rather sing if people are going to be inspired and enjoy it a lot and I don't think my voice meets that standard. I've always dreamt I'd at least try to play and sing in front of a crowd with the microphone and all, and I did. Yes, I allowed them to talk amongst themselves so I wouldn't be as nervous. The odd thing is that I wasn't nervous at all once I started singing. I was more nervous reciting my poem than I was singing. I was astounded but then again, I do play my guitar to relieve my anxiety and stress. I guess it works on stage as well.
Although this was a huge feat for me considering I'm afraid of doing anything in front of people, I don't plan on trying it out at acoustic night....unless someone else sings with me or sings for me. I'm just glad I did something off of my invisible bucket list.
There were other things that occurred at this A.A.D show that meant more to me than anything and that also changed a lot of things in me. I can't verbalize them but know that I'm really glad I went :D
Friday, March 11, 2011
Luck. Lucky. Luckless.
I love alliterations. In case you don't know.
This morning, I went to my meeting and then took a nice walk over to the GIVE center to get a scholarship filled out. The people I needed weren't there so I have to go back in about an hour. I then went to the financial aid office to see my favorite person, Kay Biddick. I worked with financial aid my freshman and sophomore year of college. All the women who work there mean so much to me. Kay is basically my other grandmother :). After that, I went to the business office to do some business, haha.
I then went to BBT to deposit some monies and as I was about to get my receipt and leave when the guy behind the counter says, "have a lucky weekend!" I stared at him for a second and said, "thanks?" That was an odd phrase to say. Who says that?
It got me thinking because at some point during my college career, I decided I no longer believed in luck and was always peeved when someone said, "Good luck on your test." Although, I've come to the conclusion that luck is just a label for things that are awesome and happen unexpectedly. Call it fate, call it luck, call it whatever you want but basically it is real. We all just call it what we want to. Fate is sort of different though.
If you've read about God then you may know that He gives people the freedom to choose what they do and want. So fate is partly our choice and partly the world mixing together. Things are only labeled as fate after they happen. Maybe it was just coincidence. Fate, coincidence, call it whatever you want, it's still the same thing. I guess it's all about how you want to label it. Guess I need to stop getting annoyed with the... "good luck on your test"... phrase.
But, I am now really happy that he said to have a lucky weekend. Now I'm going to see if I can't find me some "luck/fate/coincidence/amazing, unexpected occurrences" this weekend.
This morning, I went to my meeting and then took a nice walk over to the GIVE center to get a scholarship filled out. The people I needed weren't there so I have to go back in about an hour. I then went to the financial aid office to see my favorite person, Kay Biddick. I worked with financial aid my freshman and sophomore year of college. All the women who work there mean so much to me. Kay is basically my other grandmother :). After that, I went to the business office to do some business, haha.
I then went to BBT to deposit some monies and as I was about to get my receipt and leave when the guy behind the counter says, "have a lucky weekend!" I stared at him for a second and said, "thanks?" That was an odd phrase to say. Who says that?
It got me thinking because at some point during my college career, I decided I no longer believed in luck and was always peeved when someone said, "Good luck on your test." Although, I've come to the conclusion that luck is just a label for things that are awesome and happen unexpectedly. Call it fate, call it luck, call it whatever you want but basically it is real. We all just call it what we want to. Fate is sort of different though.
If you've read about God then you may know that He gives people the freedom to choose what they do and want. So fate is partly our choice and partly the world mixing together. Things are only labeled as fate after they happen. Maybe it was just coincidence. Fate, coincidence, call it whatever you want, it's still the same thing. I guess it's all about how you want to label it. Guess I need to stop getting annoyed with the... "good luck on your test"... phrase.
But, I am now really happy that he said to have a lucky weekend. Now I'm going to see if I can't find me some "luck/fate/coincidence/amazing, unexpected occurrences" this weekend.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Not the Usual Blog Post
I feel like I have something to say but I can't put my finger on it. I thought maybe if I just started writing then something would slip it's way onto my fingertips and have enough strength to push the keys to type. I should be really scared right now, I have a test tomorrow. I didn't study too much today. Spent a lot of time laughing and doing a whole lotta procrastinating. It was marvelous! And it was this way because I had so much fun and I wasn't stressed at all. This is what concerns me. (Tori would say that).
Gosh, there's something else I need to say. Ugh, anyway I feel like there's someone I should share with you. I don't know how many people follow my blog because a lot of people view it but I only have 6 followers. Which is totally fine as long as people keep reading my blog. The thing is, this blog isn't about me really. It's about what I see and believe and think but it's not that personal. Although, this blog post is going to be personal.
So this person, I have known for a LONG time. Someone who has meant so many different things to me and has made me extremely upset and extremely loved. When I was younger, I never thought I'd ever really get to know this person. I didn't think it was possible. When I moved away from her, things changed. We began to converse and it was very weird and hard for me at first. We've slowly gotten to know each other and are now really great friends despite the fact she lives in Texas. This person is my awesome sister, Felicia.
I don't think many of my friends even know I have a sister (sorry, Flea). This is why I'm writing this blog. Although, we don't get to talk very much, I love her to death and I do wish she was closer. I see my friends with their siblings all the time and I get pretty emotional. She is three years older than me, gorgeous, encouraging, hard working, creative and inspiring...to say the least. We have both changed so much since we left each other at two ends of the United States. We grew up having a terrible relationship with each other, and finally having a great one apart from each other. It goes to show that siblings were created with unconditional love. It's as if nothing can break it no matter what. I've called her the most horrific terms and she's done the same. We've had our trials and tribulations but we made it through and now were together as family should be. She means so much to me and now you know I have a sister, haha.
Well, that's my sister :D And that's the end of this blog post.
Gosh, there's something else I need to say. Ugh, anyway I feel like there's someone I should share with you. I don't know how many people follow my blog because a lot of people view it but I only have 6 followers. Which is totally fine as long as people keep reading my blog. The thing is, this blog isn't about me really. It's about what I see and believe and think but it's not that personal. Although, this blog post is going to be personal.
So this person, I have known for a LONG time. Someone who has meant so many different things to me and has made me extremely upset and extremely loved. When I was younger, I never thought I'd ever really get to know this person. I didn't think it was possible. When I moved away from her, things changed. We began to converse and it was very weird and hard for me at first. We've slowly gotten to know each other and are now really great friends despite the fact she lives in Texas. This person is my awesome sister, Felicia.
I don't think many of my friends even know I have a sister (sorry, Flea). This is why I'm writing this blog. Although, we don't get to talk very much, I love her to death and I do wish she was closer. I see my friends with their siblings all the time and I get pretty emotional. She is three years older than me, gorgeous, encouraging, hard working, creative and inspiring...to say the least. We have both changed so much since we left each other at two ends of the United States. We grew up having a terrible relationship with each other, and finally having a great one apart from each other. It goes to show that siblings were created with unconditional love. It's as if nothing can break it no matter what. I've called her the most horrific terms and she's done the same. We've had our trials and tribulations but we made it through and now were together as family should be. She means so much to me and now you know I have a sister, haha.
Well, that's my sister :D And that's the end of this blog post.
WOAH
So I was watching a wedding video and I realized something I want to do before I get married. I want my fiance to stop shaving and looking all nice at least 2 weeks before our wedding so that on our wedding day, he can get all shaved up and nice looking and I'll be stunned when he walks in and he'll be amazed at how I look with my hair and makeup all did. yeah?....YEAH :D
Monday, March 7, 2011
Spiral That Never Ends
Have you ever had an idea in your head that you were on both sides with: you thought was bad but also good? And you try to separate the two thoughts about the subject but you can't. It makes no sense at all because it basically makes you a hypocrite.
Let's take Marijuana for an example. You won't ever try it because you know it causes lung issues and can make your mind do crazy stuff but when someone asks you why you won't do it, you don't really have an answer. Or maybe they ask you why you think it's so bad but you don't know why, you just think it is. You could care less who does it and you don't support it but you also don't-NOT support it. You're indifferent. They can smoke all the marijuana they want, but you can't. Or they can booty dance all they want and you don't care, but you can't do it.
There's this issue in my mind that I just can't get past. I'm not a hypocrite but my mind tells me that I am. It says "this is totally okay, just not for you."
The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time, and still retain the ability to function.
F. Scott Fitzgerald
I feel like I should write something. A lot of crazy things happened today but a lot of great things have happened too but their all inside me and I'm not sure how to explain them. I'm just really happy right now and I got all cute and dressed up. That doesn't happen very often so if you want to come see me, I'm at blackbird reading about Enrique! haha.
My tummy is rumbling. I only ate a bagel and chocolate pudding today....bad I know :\
I don't know what else to say, except come see me!
My tummy is rumbling. I only ate a bagel and chocolate pudding today....bad I know :\
I don't know what else to say, except come see me!
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Rhema
These 8 year old girl named Rhema lost her mother 3 years ago to Ovarian Cancer.
She started singing like her mother and spreading the gospel with her music.
Listen to this: Amazing Grace
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Seasons of My Life
As I was driving down the road, passing barren trees, and falling leaves, the rain sprinkled across my windshield. It brought on the thought of the constant changing weather. The really hot, sweating weather we've had, to the perfect warmth with a breeze weather, to the rainy, chilly weather we have now. I've come to realize that my life really does have its seasons. I believe we all go through seasons.
Nature has a very similar life to ours, in the sense of seasons, except the fact that handle it with ease due to their adaptive qualities. We can't exactly prepare ourselves for the seasons we go through. Their not in perfect timing like that of the yearly seasons.
I find a tree, snapped in half, lying in the street. A minor mishap in the life of this tree. Soon enough, the tree will be cut down and moved off the road. Within a week, no one will remember the tree was ever there and within a year, it'll be forgotten forever. We all have these incidents that are easy to forget. Sometimes though, we have seasons that remain scars forever in our minds.
I was told a story in high school that I've never been able to forget. It wasn't a story in my season but a story in someone else's. There was a family going home from church one morning. The infant was in the backseat of the van crying so mom went to the back to comfort the child. As the father kept driving, the most unbelievable thing occurred. A tree had fallen at the perfect time, angle, speed to hit the back of the van and end the lives of two wonderful people. This man lost his family in one second. This created a new season in his life that will change it forever.
Seasons are meant for change and growth. In Spring/Summer, the flowers and trees bloom. In Fall/Winter, the leaves fall and the flowers die. Our seasons are very similar. We have our ups and downs, we have our broken hearts and depressions. We also have our joys and elated times. If we never encountered hardships, we would have no need to grow. We'd be the same ALL the time. Every time we go through something difficult, we get out of it stronger. Our characters change and we mold into a different self. If we never grew, we'd never encounter this growing process. Life is all about change, growing, learning, living.
I have to remind myself that hard times are good. Pain makes me thankful for happiness. When I lose everything, I'm more thankful for the things I gain. Everything we encounter has a different meaning and our minds are opened to new things. I'm glad life isn't constant and consistent.
Bring on the seasons!
Nature has a very similar life to ours, in the sense of seasons, except the fact that handle it with ease due to their adaptive qualities. We can't exactly prepare ourselves for the seasons we go through. Their not in perfect timing like that of the yearly seasons.
I find a tree, snapped in half, lying in the street. A minor mishap in the life of this tree. Soon enough, the tree will be cut down and moved off the road. Within a week, no one will remember the tree was ever there and within a year, it'll be forgotten forever. We all have these incidents that are easy to forget. Sometimes though, we have seasons that remain scars forever in our minds.
I was told a story in high school that I've never been able to forget. It wasn't a story in my season but a story in someone else's. There was a family going home from church one morning. The infant was in the backseat of the van crying so mom went to the back to comfort the child. As the father kept driving, the most unbelievable thing occurred. A tree had fallen at the perfect time, angle, speed to hit the back of the van and end the lives of two wonderful people. This man lost his family in one second. This created a new season in his life that will change it forever.
Seasons are meant for change and growth. In Spring/Summer, the flowers and trees bloom. In Fall/Winter, the leaves fall and the flowers die. Our seasons are very similar. We have our ups and downs, we have our broken hearts and depressions. We also have our joys and elated times. If we never encountered hardships, we would have no need to grow. We'd be the same ALL the time. Every time we go through something difficult, we get out of it stronger. Our characters change and we mold into a different self. If we never grew, we'd never encounter this growing process. Life is all about change, growing, learning, living.
I have to remind myself that hard times are good. Pain makes me thankful for happiness. When I lose everything, I'm more thankful for the things I gain. Everything we encounter has a different meaning and our minds are opened to new things. I'm glad life isn't constant and consistent.
Bring on the seasons!
Friday, March 4, 2011
How Does That Make You Feel?
This has been one hard day for me. This morning's conference really got inside me and tore me up. I was about to cry but I said I wouldn't. I didn't even know why I wanted to cry. We had talked about a lot but nothing that hit me hard. She didn't send me out with a challenge as she usually does, but I chose to challenge myself anyway. I've already gone over most of the things we talked about and tried to figure out what to do about them. That and figure out who I am. Fun stuff.
As the day progresses, it gets better. I don't feel upset like I did earlier and I'm getting a lot of work done. I took one of my quizzes and did really well on it, so I'm thankful for that.
I'm in the mood to do something spontaneous.
As the day progresses, it gets better. I don't feel upset like I did earlier and I'm getting a lot of work done. I took one of my quizzes and did really well on it, so I'm thankful for that.
I'm in the mood to do something spontaneous.
Please Vote For My Aunt!
My Aunt Judy had battled breast cancer 3 times and she has run over 130 breast cancer marathons! She even carried the torch at the 2002 Olympics.
Read her story here:
http://www.drdonnica.com/champions/00004477.htm
Vote for her to be the Honorary Bat Girl at the Giants game here:
http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/komen/gallery.jsp?transactionId=175874763&partnerId=fb_share
THANK YOU!!!
Read her story here:
http://www.drdonnica.com/champions/00004477.htm
Vote for her to be the Honorary Bat Girl at the Giants game here:
http://mlb.mlb.com/sponsors/komen/gallery.jsp?transactionId=175874763&partnerId=fb_share
THANK YOU!!!
Living With My Ghost
Back and forth
Like a pendulum
We go here and there
Each with our own ambitions, beliefs and experiences
We stop and talk
We walk by and never say a word
Everything we touch, touches something else
We do not stand still
We cannot stand still
The more answers we find, the more questions we have
The more we understand, the more it doesn't make sense
We throw ourselves into pain
And we inflict pain on others
When will we learn?
History has taught us nothing but everything all at once
The world is ever changing
We are on a mission to find ourselves
The selves we already are
We found ourselves just as we lost ourselves
We are and we aren't
We must stop to go
We must lose to find
We must die to live
Back and forth, back and forth
Like a pendulum
We go here and there
Each with our own ambitions, beliefs and experiences
We stop and talk
We walk by and never say a word
Everything we touch, touches something else
We do not stand still
We cannot stand still
The more answers we find, the more questions we have
The more we understand, the more it doesn't make sense
We throw ourselves into pain
And we inflict pain on others
When will we learn?
History has taught us nothing but everything all at once
The world is ever changing
We are on a mission to find ourselves
The selves we already are
We found ourselves just as we lost ourselves
We are and we aren't
We must stop to go
We must lose to find
We must die to live
Back and forth, back and forth
I Can Feel the Rain Really Well Today
Today's Horoscope
The topic of the day is knowledge and learning. Did you study the field you really wanted to? Do you feel bad about not having attended such-and-such school or program? If these issues are uppermost on your mind today, remember that your creativity has little to do with the degrees you hold. It has everything to do with how you use your skills and knowledge to better the world.
I did not read this until just now and it's already something that I thought about today. It was around 9:55 that I picked up a magazine. It was a magazine sitting on a table in the waiting room. It was about golfing. I know, why would I pick up a golfing magazine? Well, most people don't know that I played varsity golf in high school. I really loved it and it is something very nostalgic for me. My dad taught me how to golf growing up. We have so many stories. While I was looking through the magazine, I realized how much I really miss the game. How much I really miss my dad but how awesome it would have been to be a professional golfer...if I was even good enough for that.
I've been questioning my life lately. I seem to always be doing it. I keep thinking about my major and English, photography, languages, sports, etc. Am I doing what I really love? The answer is: yes. I love nursing and wouldn't trade it for anything.
Like I mentioned before, these horoscopes are really encouraging to me. It says that I'm thinking about these things and although I am, it has nothing to do with me not liking my degree but how I am using the skill of golfing, nursing, English, languages, and photography to better the world.
I just feel so blessed right now. I also feel so small right now. I feel upset right now. I feel alive right now. I feel...now.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Clinicals & Church
Clinical days are like church days. You have to wake up early and really don't want to. You know you have to go and want to go but you'd rather sleep most of the time. You get up, get dressed and ready. Then when you get there, you get all comfortable and see people you haven't seen in a while and meet new people. After that, you start to accept being there. During the day/sermon you're really learning a lot and opening your mind to new things and how people live. By the end of the day/sermon you are so glad that you got up and went because all of your troubles seem to fade away. You have this crazy high from learning about people/Jesus and what wonderful things are in the world despite the hurt and pain. I hate getting up early for it, but I'm always glad I got up to do it!
Also, I wrote a blog post a while back that talked about those people who let you go and most of the time you don't realize it? Well, there's this person that I'm pretty sure has let me go, for good reasons at that. Now that I've realized this, it has made me so thankful for that. If you're reading this, thank you for letting me go!! :)
Also, I wrote a blog post a while back that talked about those people who let you go and most of the time you don't realize it? Well, there's this person that I'm pretty sure has let me go, for good reasons at that. Now that I've realized this, it has made me so thankful for that. If you're reading this, thank you for letting me go!! :)